The Real TRUTH About How I Feel

You want the truth about how I really feel about this awful disease? Well here is the honest truth:

One thing I struggle with is accepting this fate: Multiple Sclerosis. For the most part, it appears to be going well, but I have nights, like last night that come out of no where where I fall apart. I lost everything in less than a year, my job, my friends, my Multiple sclerosis mentor and dear friend that died unexpectedly, my future, and all of my plans... they were all taken within a year. So, without even realizing it, I pushed away everything that I REALLY wanted, because it was like I unconsciously thought that if I didn't really want it anymore, then it wouldn't be taken from me, but if I wanted it, like I wanted my job, then it would be taken. 

But you don't have these thought processes and realize it, until that night when you put two and two together, OR when your husband does. He's right... When Bonnie died, it absolutely killed me, because she was not only one of my best friends, but she was the only person I confided in, because she had MS. If I told her about something that happened or something I felt, she had been through it too. So we formed a bond that couldn't be shaken... unless one of us died. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of her, and I can still cry at the drop of a hat. They say over time that it gets easier, but it hasn't yet. I can't even really think about her without falling apart.

Things with Scott and I are good, but I've selfishly kept him at an arms length away. It's like dying... for almost a year, I've been ok with it. If I were to have not woke up the next morning, I've told myself over and over that I would be ok with it, almost to convince myself. But the truth is, I WANT to be ok. I want to beat this. But what if I really try to fight it as hard as I can and then I find out that there's nothing that I can do and it's going to kill me? Something is a lot easier to take if you convince yourself that it's what you wanted in the first place. It's confusing, but you may understand. 

The worst symptom about this is my inability to manage my moods and my emotions. My doctor said that it is an effect of my lesions, but the depression has been awful over the past year. And I never hid it from my family or Scott or my best friends... I was taking an anti-depressant that I had a really bad reaction to that almost made me hallucinate, and I took it for months. I would cry all day every day and just almost watch myself from somewhere else. It was the worst thing I have ever been through in my life. I was diagnosed as being bipolar, but I wouldn't accept it, so I ignored the doctor and quit the meds cold turkey. After the effects wore off, I allowed my body to go back to normal for a few weeks. I wasn't bipolar anymore... it was the other meds! So, I started a different anti-depressant, and it works pretty well for the most part! If I had accepted the bipolar meds and taken them, I would be on another medicine that I don't need, and my doctor agreed. It's just trial and error. 

I think that once I accept this fate, then I will work on rebuilding. But I can't accept it overnight, or even in one year. I'm still in denial about it, and I hate it everyday and I want to go back in time. I used to be so responsible  in control, and I feel like I lost my entire identity and now I'm trying to find the other me. And I don't want to. As soon as I'm able to get out of this funk and start rebuilding my life, I will start my new chapter. Until then... it's day by day.

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