Hello Everyone... I have procrastinated writing this blog post since the end of June. Every time I sit down to write, I am overcome with so many emotions, and I fear that I will never be able to say the right words to show you what God has placed on my heart. So, before I started writing, I asked God to guide my fingers, so that my words emit love, quidance, undestanding, and peace for all who read this. He has done this for me continuously throughout this journey.
My sweet Mrs. Bonnie Robinson, my Multiple Sclerosis mentor, life lessons counselor, honest and true friend, and keeper of my secret fears unexpectedly passed away. While we do not know the exact cause of her death, we do not believe that "Multiple Sclerosis" took her life, for she was doing her most favorite activity: Swimming and getting the wonderful tan she always had. She loved to swim, because it kept her active and it gave her a good reason to get out of the house. Her awesome tan was one that any woman would envy!
I wrote a previous blog entry that included informtion about my past with Mrs. Bonnie, called, "Life... Totally Not Going As Planned" if you would like to read more about this sweet lady.
While trying to decide what angle to use to approach this post, I decided I would write about the wonderful blessing Mrs. Bonnie was and will continue to be in my life, how this tragedy has impacted my spirit, and ways I'm dealing with my own grief. I hope this will positively impact at least one person who reads it, and my wish is that everyone will truly understand what a wonderful amazing lady heaven enjoys now!
Please keep in mind, especially if you were also close to Mrs. Bonnie, that my experience as her friend may differ from the relationship you had with her. God sent her to me to fulfill a purpose, and that she did. But the Mrs. Bonnie I love and trusted may cover different angles of memories than you have, so I'm truly writing about the Mrs. Bonnie I knew and what our own personal relationship was like.
Mrs. Bonnie came into my life through my dear friend Dawna Robinson. Dawna is married to Grant, Mrs. Bonnie's oldest son. I did not even meet Mrs. Bonnie until March 2010 at Dawna's bridal shower, and I briefly remember seeing her at their Luau Couples Shower in April 2010. I also remember seeing her at the wedding later that month, but as a bridesmaid, I was more worried about my high heels sinking in the soggy mud when I headed down the rainy outside "aisle" than I was about trying to make friends with Dawna's new mother-in-law.
I remember Dawna telling me around that time that Mrs. Bonnie had Multiple Sclerosis, but at that particular point in my life, the news went in one ear and out the other quickly. At that time, I knew I had a sleeping disorder, but I had no idea that my life would soon become entangled in a web of aches, Bengay, and Multiple Sclerosis. I do remember one event that happened at the Luau Party that I am now so incredibly ashamed to admit, but I will tell you about it, because if it will make you rethink your actions in the future, I'm doing my job well.
At the couples shower, Mrs. Bonnie sat at the kitchen table for most of the entire party. She talked and laughed with everyone who stopped to talk, but I remember wondering why she didn't get up and mingle as a mother-in-law should do, according to the imaginary rules written in the "Imaginary superficial Wedding Rule Book." I also remember admiring her awesome tan and eyeing her stylish whitish blond color hair with envy. I remember thinking, "Man, Grant as a pretty hot mom!"
(Here is the part I am ashamed to admit.) I remember standing there in the kitchen in my brand new pink and white dress, sporting the newest must have Victoria Secret Bombshell Bra, and prancing around in my black high heels without a care in the world. Soon, Mrs. Bonnie and her husband, Mr. Donald, started to tell everyone "Goodbye" and when she got up, I saw her first limp. Then I watched her walk slowly across the room with her cane, obviously struggling with the stiffness and pain from sitting all evening. And in my selfish mind I thought, "Oh, that's a shame. She WAS so beautiful until I saw her struggling to walk." In my mind, she no longer fit the criteria I had made up to be beautiful..... You know, the sexy swaying walk, the confident steps taken in glamorous heels... The usual.
And you know what, God definitely heard my shallow thoughts. Yes, He heard my superficial and conceited thoughts loud and clear. God decided that He would teach me to be a good person and help me to see the real meaning and values in life. He would make me see what should always be most important, and that it definitely was not the strutting around in the black stilettos I wore on my feet that night, the same shoes that are now collecting dust on the back of my closet door, because that was the last time I ever wore them.
Ironic? No, it was planned by God. God decided he would teach me how to live a Godly, Christ-like life... and He chose the random lady that I had that horrible thought about to be the teacher that would save my life in the next year. You may think that God doesn't hear your thoughts, but I am SO incredibly thankful that He heard mine that night. I now realize that the sweet lady who took those steps, my sweet Mrs. Bonnie, only became more beautiful with each step she took across the room. Because of her, I now know how to look for real beauty.
A little about Mrs. Bonnie's life:
When I was trying to find words to describe Mrs. Bonnie, I thought of the usual words you would use to describe someone you love: gentle, comforting, etc. As I looked a little closer, I realized that Mrs. Bonnie was indeed very comforting to me when it seemed that I couldn't find a soft place to land anywhere. But, Mrs. Bonnie was NOT gentle with me. haha... She spoke her mind to me, even when she knew it would hurt, and she had a tone in her voice that would make you do what she said (When she said it!) . In her approach was where I found my comfort.
The other words I thought of to describe her are below:
Words Describing
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Mrs. Bonnie Robinson
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Passionate
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Dainty
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Dependable
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Protective
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Inspiring
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Abrasive
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Determined
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Sympathetic
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Poignant
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Respectful
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Logical
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Mentor
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Loving
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Humble
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Influential
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Messenger
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Priceless
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Motherly
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Real
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Soothing
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Invigorating
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Confident
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Consistent
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Refreshing
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I'm nowhere near a computer genius, so the large size of this table is going to have to stay that way, because I can't figure out how to make it smaller. I usually click on the corners, but this was as small as it would go...
Anyway, those are Mrs. Bonnie's words for how I knew her, heard her and love her.
In late May 2010, I had a Cluster Headache that landed me in the Emergency Room, and I lost the sight in my right eye for a few weeks. The ER doctor threw around a few causes, Multiple Sclerosis being one of them. For someone addicted to GOOGLE as I am, I looked up all of the possible causes, and I saw that I fit the criteria for Multiple Sclerosis quite well. I didn't know anyone with MS, but I remembered that Dawna had told that was what Mrs. Bonnie had, so I sent her a friend request on facebook asking her for a little information.
From that moment on, she became my "Midnight Friend" and I became hers. I can't describe to you what she gave and will always continue to give me or what she brought into my life, because no words can describe it. She came swiftly, and she left swiftly.
To be honest with you, everything written above was written the week of her death. I edited certain parts tonight to be in the present tense, but I haven't had it in me to finish this entry until now. From this moment on, I'm writing for RIGHT NOW.
This has been a rough week. Truthfully, the past month has been quite "iffy." Well, it has been more of a "may be" month. I "may be" fine one minute, then I "may be" crying about Mrs. Bonnie the next. I can't even begin to describe the pain that I am in right at this very moment. My heart is broken, and I thought for sure that God would have given me peace by now. I can't blame God though, because I have continuously struggled with being leaning on Him during this time.
From the very minute I found out about Mrs. Bonnie, I have refused to be angry with God. I knew from the beginning that road was a dead end, because God does indeed have a plan for me still. One day, I was laying in the bed at about 2 p.m. and I hadn't even stepped a foot out of the bed all day, much less out of the room. I think I laid in the bed until about 7 p.m. that night, only getting up to go to the bathroom. I slept on and off throughout the day, but mostly I was in a daze, just about as low spirited as I have ever been. Scott brought my medicine in to me and I took it, but even he hadn't seen me at this point, so there wasn't really much he could do or say.
I remember sitting up in the bed, and I just told him that I was tired. Tired of fighting this disease, tired of missing out, tired of hurting each and every day, all day long, tired of the headaches and muscle pain, tired of the chronic migraine every minute of each day. I was just tired.
And for the first time I was honest with him. I will now be honest with you.
I told Scott that I don't believe in suicide, and honestly the line between suicide and going to heaven is so foggy for me that I don't want to "think" I'm going to heaven and take a chance in doing one thing that could jeopardize that. So, I told him that he didn't have anything to worry about as far as that was concerned. Then I told him that didn't mean every single night when I climbed into bed that I didn't let God know that it was ok if He decided to take me that night. I told him I wasn't scared to die anymore, and if one day he rolls over and God answered that prayer, I wanted him to know that I was ok with it. I told him that I didn't think your heart will physically continue to beat if you feel this much pain inside it for a long period of time. At some point, I think it just stops.
His response was exactly right: All he said was, "This is the stuff you need to write in your blog. Not how great you are or how great you are dealing with ths diagnosis. If you truly want to help someone else who may be in this position too, like Mrs. Bonnie helped you, you need to tell them the truth." And he was right.
The truth is, for months I was dealing with the diagnosis okay. But, something inside me snapped when Mrs. Bonnie died, and sometimes I truly don't know how I will ever have the energy to fight this forever. I'm at the point where I am bitter and angry about it. I'm pretty much bitter and angry at everyone to tell you the truth.. I'm angry that I have to deal with this. I'm angry that I have to feel this pain that is invisible to others. I'm angry that my mom and dad can't make this better for me like everything else. And I'm angry that I have to do it without Mrs. Bonnie.
I had one single person in this entire world that felt the pain physically that I do everyday. One person that could feel what I was talking about. One person who, in some special way, made it ok for me to be sick, because if she could do it then I could too. And I'm angry that the one person I had is gone. I was so lost before she died, but she held me up. How can I not want to talk to hardly anyone in the world for days but I just want to go sit at her grave and talk to her for hours?
I know I have to keep it together, but I am really starting to let this diagnosis sink in. So, for all of those people who were so proud of me for having such a great attitude about it, I'm so sorry to let you down. I wish my heart didn't hurt so bad. It's almost a physical pain, on top of the others, a constriction in the center of my chest that just squeezes and creates a real pain. Am I depressed? Of course, who wouldn't be? Actually, the lesions on my brain also cause depression. Do I know how to deal with this? Not a clue.
I am so tired of everyone giving me advice and tips and telling me what I should do or what they would do, but where are all those people when I need them to help me carry out this advice. Scott is a husband of someone who has a chronic illness and could care less if I wake up tomorrow morning. I can't tell you how many times I've been in the middle of doing something normal, like cooking dinner, and I'll stumble and the next thing I know I'm on my knees, screaming at the top of my lungs at nothing in particular, just out of frustration and pain and Scott just silently comes in and wraps his arms around me and lets me cry and cry. And I'm angry that he has to deal with the pain too.
I know when you get married, you always look forward to spending time with your new spouse. But, we never had that newlywed phase. We've had doctor visits, HUGE medical bills, I had to resign from work, decreased income and increased prescription bills, a death of a close friend, etc... What else? So when I climb into bed at night, I always scoot over close to him, and he always wraps his arm around me. At that moment, I feel so peaceful. It is the only time when I can feel his warmth, and I know that he understands and he's in this with me forever. I'm thankful for him. More than he knows.
Now, I have poured our my heart to you. I've cried this whole entry. I miss my Mrs. Bonnie, and my heart hurts so bad right now. I know God has a plan for my life, and I guess his current plan is for me to be a wife, which I am not quite mastering I assume. I want to fulfill His purpose. I want to be able to look at old pictures from my life from before I was sick, and not feel so much anger. I want to be happy again and look forward to leaving the house. I know God hears my prayers, and I am comforted by that. But, I still wish I could go crawl in the bed with Mrs. Bonnie and snuggle up next to her while she holds me and tells me that it's going to get better in time. I know you don't understand, and it's ok. I just hope someone out there that may also be hurting can find a little comfort knowing they're not completely in the dark, because it's darker than you could ever imagine when you feel like that.
Here are some pics of Mrs. Bonnie
