Lately, I have been hearing random comments about my blogging habits. Something like, "If I am so sick, how can I blog and write so much?" I have heard this over and over, and it is really starting aggravate me. Right now, I have 8 half written blog entries saved to my post list. Tomorrow, I may add a paragraph or two to an entry, IF it is a good day, I may add three paragraphs. By writing like this, at any given time I may have anywhere from 7-10 blogs entries half finished in my drafts. Sometimes I can't sleep so I write at 3 a.m., sometimes noon, sometimes 7 p.m., usually just whenever I can think clearly enough to make sense.
Then, when I finish with an entry, I schedule it to be submitted and posted at a time when when there is usually a lot of people on the computer or facebook. Then, when I send out the blog notification, I will only have to type it a few times rather than many times. I hardly ever post an entry when I actually write it. In other words, if my blog says that I wrote it at 3:45 p.m., and at 3:30 p.m. I had just told you that I was sick, there's a 99% chance that blog entry was written earlier in the day or even a few days before or the night before, and I had already scheduled it to be submitted at a later date. That does not mean that I lied about being sick or that I am avoiding anyone or faking anything...
This is just another one of those times where there really is more to the story than what is on the surface, and I do what I have to do to make sure that I can keep writing, even if it is at 3 a.m.
And, if anyone tries to call me and I don't answer, please send me a text or an e-mail, because I will most likely see those attempts first. There are days where I don't speak well or the background noise is confusing, and I have gotten to the point where it is very difficult to talk on the phone quite often. If you do call and I don't answer and you don't want to text, the only thing I can tell you is call about 10 times. I do not answer my phone most of the time, and I know most of you do not understand that.
But if it was hard for you to speak and pronounce your words or if ANY background noise during phone calls, even a plastic bag rustling, left you in a fog for the rest of the day, you would truly get it. Click these links on Sensory Processing Disorder, and you can read all about it.
http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/adult-SPD-checklist.html
http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/sensory-processing-disorders.html
When we hang up the phone, you go back on with your normal day. For me, something just shuts down, and I can't explain why the phone does that to me. And it doesn't matter if it is a 30 second call or a 30 minute call. As a result, most of the time lately I have no idea where my phone even is. The sound of any ring used to bother my head, so I turned the ringer down to vibrate. Now, the sound of the vibration of the phone makes me feel like I am going to crawl right out of my skin, so I turn my phone on silent.
I don't want anyone to read this and think I'm speaking to you specifically, because I'm not. Lately, there just has been so many friends and relatives that complain constantly that I don't answer my phone but then I am well enough to blog. I hear it all the time from tons of people. Truth is, when I do have that time when my migraine isn't hurting too bad to think straight, I spend that little bit of time on myself. And what I mean is, I'm usually sitting in total silence, because I can tell you that the pain never lets my brain be silent for too long. When I'm not hurting for even an hour, that is the only time I can think totally straight. I may write a blog, I may sit on the porch, I may lay down and enjoy the silence... I enjoy that rare time, but after spending all the hours before that in pain, I am selfishly not ready to give up that hour yet.
I finally have the house organized & clean for the most part, so any of you are more than welcome to visit during the day. Hey, you don't even have to call first... haha. (I'm joking about the call, but I do with you would e-mail or text, because I'd rather not be naked.) I don't leave the house much, because everything in my house is comfortable. I would love to just have a presence in the house sometimes, even if we don't talk the whole time. But, it doesn't matter how mad anyone gets at me or how many people think I could do this different... I promise, unless you have walked in these shoes, MY shoes, not someone else that has MS, not someone else with a similar disease, and NOT your shoes, but unless you have walked in MY shoes, you really don't understand.
Bottom line, I wake up in the pain. I walk in the pain. I hear the pain and I have such a keen sense of hearing that the sound of the hands moving on the clock in the hallway drives me crazy, so I took the battery out. Or the hands in my watch on the nightstand moving. I can't stand the windshield wipers being on. I can't stand the sound of the air on in the car. And the list goes on...
Anyone can waste their time being mad or upset or whatever but I promise, there is no one in this world that is more tired, sore, angry, exhausted, disappointed, aggravated, hurt, inconvenienced, and most of all impacted the most by this disease than YOURS TRULY. And to have to deal with all of the side effects of zillions of meds, physical pains, phantom pains, emotional distress, and chronic fatigue is absolutely draining. But I will tell you bluntly: You sure do give me that final kick I need to be flat on the floor when you add all of the snide comments and remarks about me not answering the phone. I know you care, but I'm finally at a point in my life where I can't kill myself trying to make everyone else happy all the time. I struggle with my own happiness often enough. I'm not telling anyone NOT to call, for I really love knowing that I have friends and family that care. I love all of you, and I wish I could see you more often, but I can't drive very far anymore. I miss you all, and yes I miss your voices too! All I'm asking is that you NOT to get angry with me about not answering the phone every single time. I do answer then I can, I promise! I just really don't think everyone truly grasps the severity of this disease, and honestly, I pray that you never will, even if you all always get angry with me about this stupid phone.
How about this: Open your skull and pour millions of
fire ants on top of your brain and sew your skull back together and sit there while they sting and bite you millions and millions of times every day, all day long..
Then, with those fire ants setting your head on fire, go water skiing for three days straight, and add the FLU on top of that. Picture how that would feel every single day.......... Wait...I think your phone is ringing. Welcome to my wonderful world...
