Shattered Dreams and BRAND NEW SCHEMES!

Well, Hello to ALL of my super special blog readers! (And, yes I do realize that my blog is overwhelmingly followed by a grand total of TWO people). So, you don't have to point that out to me, thank you...

I hope that each and every one of you two faithful readers finds yourself in good company tonight... See now doesn't that approach make me sound so.... sweet?  Like the eerily cheerful Michelle Obama, with her "I don't even know how to spell 'ATTITUDE'" sweetness? She makes me look like a demonic witch.  I don't know why but it irritates me that she is always so freakin nice and in such a good mood ALL   THE    TIME... with the SAME smile. And you know what I'm talking about ladies... We all have numerous smiles for every occasion, ready to pull the perfect one out at just the right time. Not Michelle. She's always just so... following.

   See what I mean? Ugh.

 Ok, I have to quit, because I'm just cracking myself up.  Lately, I catch myself laughing all the time at myself. You know what that is called: Sudden Twenty-Something Dilusion Syndrome. And, that's right, I think I have it.

Now if you google this phenomenon, and you are impressed by the hundreds of articles published about the unfortunate symptoms of this illness, PLEASE let me know, because I totally thought I made it up.

May has been a month of personal transition for me. Nothing major, just the fact that I feel like my entire life has changed completely, therefore transforming me into a person even I don't recognize some days. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, because I think that I have matured and found myself...kinda. I never really realized how much real precious time I was wasting before I was sick. I got up each morning and got dressed and felt nothing. I drove to work and slaved away and drove myself home each night... and felt nothing. I made detailed organized plans for my future, and set milestones all the time and... God was laughing at me. Then one day, He must have thought that I had wasted just about enough time being selfish, so he took my life and He did to me what can only be described as this: He Re-Hatched Me with a Brand New Set of Morals and Values.

God gave me a second chance through Multiple Sclerosis, a second chance to learn how what truly is most important in life. Best of all, God taught me to be THANKFUL, for just about everything. I no longer fret about my high heels matching or my make-up looking beautiful, for now I am thankful that I am able to put my shoes on by myself *most* mornings. I no longer worry about letting someone down because I cannot be there for them all the time, because now I have to focus on not letting myself down and staying the course day after day. It's like waking up each morning to a new agenda, an agenda that you have to prepare for without any warning: Will my feet be numb, will my legs refuse to move, will I be able to feel my fingers, is my neck physically going to hold my head up tomorrow, is my body trying to tell me something? But as most of you know, I am SO random.. and God gave me a random disease.

I'd imagine when God was shifting through his "Disease Binder" on the day that my name was called, He was probably frustrated. I mean, He had to give me something pretty important, something that would be challenging for me, otherwise I would always be griping and complaining to Him, whining about how "SHE got to have Multiple Sclerosis and all I got to have was Lupus?" or "Why do I have to get something as boring as Cancer when HE gets to be so cool with his Multiple Sclerosis?" God was probably sitting at his huge table with all of his sparkly angel buddies while they debated which illness I would enjoy more. I'd imagine that just about the time all of the angels started getting catty, flapping their wings, causing MY precious Heaven Papers to scatter across the room, God loudly announced, "OK, I have decided to give her Multiple Sclerosis AND a Chronic Daily Migraine, because if she only has Multiple Sclerosis she will eventually become bored with figuring out her symptoms, so the Migraine will cause just the right amount of daily fog to make her have to actually use her brain each day." And that is how I like to think that I was specially selected to harbor this disease... and I'm ok with it. In this scenario, I STILL got to be the center of attention for a little while, right?

All kidding aside, I'll briefly update you on my last visit with my neurologist. I have a *knot* in my neck that is really painful and it causes confusion and awful cramps in my neck and sometimes I physically cannot hold my head up. I have a little neck brace for that, luckily. Well, if you feel my neck, you can feel the knot. So I diagnosed myself with a brain tumor, made a will for my precious chihuahua, JoJo, and selected a nice solid Oak casket for my funeral... which will be pulled by a Harley... haha Just kidding. I seriously was worried about it though, and I had no answers. Turns out, It's JUST that I am having a chronic daily migraine in my neck, and the pain is so intense that it is causing the muscles in my neck to form a hard ball, like a cyst. The ball of muscles is pressing on the nerves in my neck from the bottom side and the top side is making the bones in my neck between my c3- c4 Spine area poke out of my neck... thus creating the hard *knot*. And I absolutely do NOT respond to migaine medicine, so I cannot make the migraine cease. The bad news is that Doctor Leganke thinks the lesions on my brain could possibly have spread to my neck and/or spine. I have to go back for like my tenth MRI in a week or so. And for those who do not know, the lesions cause pain and they mess with things such as your concentration, speech, attention span, congnitive abilities, walking, etc. It just depends on where they are. So, basically I have almost had the migraine in my neck every single day for one whole year... I totally think that on my one year Migraine Birthday, June 3, 2011, I should so get a surprise migraine party.... Just Saying.

And for the next course of action... just wait and see. Your guess is as good as mine. Treatment can control the MS, but it doesn't target the migraines. The migraines an cause lesions on my brain too. And the damage so far is irreversible. MS treatment just slows down the progression of the disease.. if it works. Doc gave me steroids to boost me, but so far the only thing it has given me is the inability to have even an ounce of patience and the rage of an old alcoholic wife beater... Sometimes I'd like to take a lot of heavy bottles and hurl them through the big den window one at a time, just to relieve some of the pressure. Then I imagine myself sitting on the couch for the rest of he day, trying to come up with a good story about how a big *animal* flew into the window and shattered it and I refrain from throwing anything but the occasional two year old tantrum.  Steroids = Chelsea is CRAZY. And the absolute best part is, they have not worked at all this time. Usually they do. This time... I think I may just have to buy stock in ice packs.

On a lighter note, while I have been "finding myself," I have made quite a few revelations about the new me. Most importantly I have realized this: I am the absolute wierdest person I know. I am not even kidding with you. Here are a few quick facts about me:

- I am obsessed with trying to find out how serial killers tick.
- I am addicted to Mountain Dew.
- I HATE to clean out the kitchen drain.
- I honestly have no patience anymore... for much of anything.
- Sometimes I get the urge to say what is on my mind... the real truth.
- I am so much stronger than I ever thought I could be.
- I have friends in places that I never even appreciated or realized.
- I am a creature of habit: I bathe with the same motions in the same order, every single time. If you walk in and say something that distracts me, I have to start all over.
- I have to have everything in balance- If there is a candle on one side, there has to be a candle on the other side... or my anxiety will fly through the roof thinking about it.
- I just realized I just may like frilly rosy feminine clothes.. who knew?
- I unplug everything before I leave the house... EVERYTHING... unless my dog is not there.
- I have a mental schedule that I may forget to share with you- But we HAVE to follow it.
- I HATE to drive.
- I think I'm a loner.

And the list goes on.  And on. And on.

Here are a few pictures of things or people that make me smile. Underneath, I'll put a little explanation...

 Our Wedding Day... this picture always makes me wonder what he was whispering in my ear. I can't remember most anything after the ceremony because I was so sick. This picture is real emotion. I love it!

 And honestly I added this picture, because while I am not SO concerned about make up anymore, I still think her eyeshadow is absolutely stunning... Just in case you wanted to know.

 I have this picture, because I think anyone with the natural ability to be so beautiful with such minimal effort should be... tagged in my blog?  I think she is beautiful all the time, in every picture. Real natural beautiful features.

And of course, the *Duchess* Kate! Sometimes I think she is so beautiful that I could cry. She is not scared to be herself, and she sets her own standards. The way she carries herself should be a guide for anyone who wants to learn how to set an example without even trying. I love everything about her, even the fact that her boobs are so teeny tiny like mine... We will take the focus away from you *trying* to tell is we are in fact female, and divert that attention to the fabulous HUGE hat on our head. If Kate can wear gaudy hats and hair clips with feathers on national t.v., I should definitely have the guts to stroll up to Izzy's soccer game with my big white Accessory on my head. Unfortunately, I have not ever made it out of the car with the hat actually on my head, but hopefully by next year I'll almost be there.

This needs no explanation... haha.

In this picture I was looking for my wedding gown. This was the dress I went in to try on... this was NOT THE DRESS. Ladies... when you pretend not to notice the price tag and bypass it to run your fingers across through the perfectly white lace... You just know. And this dress was not in my dreams.

 Neither was this dress... NOT THE ONE. .... Keep looking.

This sweet little beautiful brown baby is my chihuahua JoJo. It's sad, because I truly depend on her to keep me company each day, and I don't give her enough love in return. She may just be a dog, but this little girl has been through everything from day one. I truly love her.

I like this picture, because right after I put those fish down, my grandfather, Bop, taught me how to filet a fish for the first time... A wonderful experience that I will treasure forever!

This picture is special to me, because it is proof that I had the courage to cut off inches and inches of hair at one single time... That may seem small, but I had to know if I liked short hair better, so I made up my mind and went for it. Turns out, I hated it. Well, I know now.

This was my sweetheart, Scott, before I ever knew he was my sweetheart. That gentle smile... sometimes I wish I could give that back to him more often. A lot has changed since this picture was taken, a lot that hurts and makes you cling to each other as you learn what pain really is. We have been through it and we will stay together as we travel this road... but I will always treasure the short time we had when life was Simple. Gentle. Easy.

My husband really is so confident in his *Manliness* that he sometimes sports my BIG sunglasses when he wants to ooze hotness... Such a goofball... a wonderful goofball.

For added manliness, here is a picture of my husband in my white and pink eye mask... And he really is asleep. And yes, he will kill me when he sees this. Our house is never normal... but it's perfect.

I LOVE this picture, because it was taken when I was 16... and I was so young and free and naive and happy. I was like a freakin walking ray of sunshine all the time in my own little world. I am so thankful for that time!

This is my beautiful Grandmother, Mimi. I LOVE this picture, because it shows her battling her own fight with chemotherapy and breast cancer. I believe this is one of them most beautiful pictures I have of her, because she is real. I'm thankful that we both have been through a crazy experience, because we have an  unspoken bond... Isn't she beautiful?

My one and only tattoo... I was 19, and I went all by myself and got a tattoo. I have no regrets and I am still proud of myself for doing what I wanted regardless of if anyone thought I went from "classy" to "trashy."  It means "ANGEL." I have no idea why I picked that at the time... It was random. Now I love it because I constantly have my own little reminder that God's angels are with me all the time...

Mr. Donnie Martin, one of my old bosses at Martin Funeral Home in Clanton, AL. He has Cerebral Palsy. The doctors said he would never walk. He rode a tricycle around town until he was 8, and his grandmother had to replace his tricycle tires 3 times! But when he was 8 years old, he learned to walk.. He went on to get married, he has a son, and he still beats the odds and works his tiny little butt off each day at the funeral home, even if it just by showing support. He has the personality of an angel, and I love him a lot. He's still walking and talking and he's about 70 years old.

My first scrapbook page... I had never even met Izzy when I made this. But I already loved her so much!

I just like this picture, because I'm being goofy... This was before my head started hurting... I was completely pain free in this picture... but I'm still just as goofy...

So here it is: THE DRESS.

This picture is Izzy and Evan when they were little. This picture makes me smile, because they are so young, so sweet, and so wonderful to have in my life. But it also makes me sad, because I wish I had known them then... I wish I hadn't missed seeing them grow. But I channel this to make sure I watch them grow now... They are angels.

My first baby boy: My brother Micah. I LOVE him more than he will ever realize. He has my heart and he doesn't even know it. I am so proud of him and I am so thankful that he loves God and that he is so smart... He will make a great difference one day, mark my words. He already makes one to me now.

Here I am at an exercise at work when I worked for the Alabama Department of Forensic Sciences Medical Examiner's Office... I am SO thankful that God allowed me to do my dream job, cutting autopsies, for two whole years! He gave me what I wanted!!

Here we are on our honeymoon. This picture is a complete lie; In reality, we were scared out of our minds. That's why I love it. We were on our way to catch the subway in LA and it was getting dark. We were so clueless... but we were so wrapped up in each other that we made it through that crazy journey... Another time, another story...

Universal Studios... No one to worry about but us. We FINALLY made it!

The proposal... look at his shiny little cheeks grinning... LOVE IT! He had my heart way before that night, but the ring sealed the deal!

Without this little lady, I would not be here. This is my great grandmother, Annie Lee. As I've watched her grow older, I have learned that sometimes silence is the key to surviving. This littl lady has known some heavy pain and heartache in her lifetime... She has a story within her, and an entirely different world lives in her heart... sometimes I envy her for that.

I hope you enjoyed that little memory trip! Well, I have to go clean the house. Now. Scott is on his way home with the kids, and it looks like a craft store threw up all throughout my house... More later.

Loryn Brown... You Will Always Be Loved!

Well here we are, two days after the huge tornado tore across the South.  With fatality numbers rising and new "road blocks" every day, I would have expected many people to say the famous, "Oh my gosh, that's awful" and go back to their lives. But you know what? That is exactly the opposite of what is occuring across our state.

There has been more people pull together in the last two days than I have ever seen in my lifetime. People who have never met, previous enemies, and people we will never know have given their time, money, supplies, blood, prayers, and assistance to people they will never know. The only way to explain such selflessness is to acknowledge that God is definitely walking with each and every one of us right now, even if you do not want to hold his hand. I personally have clung to Him over the past few days more than I ever have, and I specifically was not even devastated by this disaster. But, I need him, and fortunately, He's here with me!

When I heard of a specific fatality of a girl who graduated from Edgewood Academy, Loryn Brown, I automatically did what many of you have done or will do if you did not know her: I looked her up on facebook.  From what I can tell, she was the All American Beauty Pageant Winning Surrounded by Friends Great Personality College Student. She was smiling in almost every single picture, and her curly hair was wild and free... something I find beautful in itself.

The last picture of Loryn with the houndstooth shoulder strap is my absolute favorite... There's something about the look on her face and the sparkle in her eye (and her awesome bright white teeth that we all would envy!) that seems to say, "I am so completely happy at this very moment!"

It appears that her mother came to Tuscaloosa not too long ago and they went on a little family photo shoot for a day. I found myself thanking God that they took the time to do that, as many of us rarely do.  Those pictures will be cherished by many forever, and they will always have them! Loryn looked identical to her mother, which is where she got her beautiful curls and bright smile. When you look like your  mother and you are close to your mother as it seems like she was, there is a special bond... maybe from always hearing, "She's a spitting image of you!" I read in one of her picture comments where someone wrote, "Loryn, you look beautiful." and Loryn's response was this:"Thanks! You know I get it from my mom!" Breaks my heart... You know that could have just as easily have been you or me, and for many, it almost was!

Below is the link to the news clip of Loryn's parent's that aired last night.

http://www.wsfa.com/Global/story.asp?S=14545445

I've found myself hoping that she didn't know quite how bad it was, and praying that she didn't suffer.  I know how scared I was in my closet and I didn't have a tornado outside my house. What I felt when I looked at her picture was sadness mixed with fear, because of this: When she smiled so big for the camera, she had no idea that her life would be taken so early. She thought she had forever, just like we think we do. One of her picture captions even says, "You can't replace this!" And you know what? She was exactly right.  Having done thousands of autopsies, I've often caught myself wondering what each person would do different if they knew their time to be called to heaven would be soon.. Would they change anything? Would she have changed anything? Would we change anything? What would it be?

We are all fortunate to have the opportunity to change things in our lives from this point on, because our fragile lives were spared! We are still alive, and we have to rethink how we all live. The story of our lives is determines by the compilation of each an every day we live and our actions.  I have the urge to contact old friends and family members that I often think of but do not take the time to let them know... how long would it take? A few extra minutes? I received a message a few years ago from a fellow classmate, Justin Rye. All it said was, "Hey girl. I just wanted to see how you have been doing lately." I checked the message and realized I was late for class and I decided I would write back a little later... two days later, he passed away. I never wrote him back. We were not close friends, but we WERE friends and that's what matters now... And I will always wish I had let him know that instead of deciding to write back later.  Tuscaloosa RIGHT NOW should show us all that we may not have later!

My husband is heading home for a temporary stay as I type, and I am so thankful that God kept him safe while he dealt with the fatalities there. From my own experience working with death and autopsies and mass fatalities, when you come home from an area of devastation surrounded by death constantly for an extended amount of time, the transformation to ordinary life is so stressful. It is like temporary Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and you don't even realize it until it hits you hard! I worked a mass murder a while back, and it took me days to relax and ease back to being normal, because you play everything over and over all the time, and then someone asks you what you want for dinner. Dinner? Why would you be talking about dinner when these people are suffering? That's what you think, but unless you have been there, you would not understand.


While I have worked situations very similar, I have not been with him during this experience, therefore I do not understand fully now. Please pray that God gives me the ability to comfort him when he comes home. We work so well together because we both have such a strong ability to block out and deal with death and trauma, but we do this together. For those who do not know, our relationship started because we work together.  So from the beginning, we have been a partner to each other, and we have leaned on each other through each difficult day. I've done autopsies on children hundreds of times, and he was right there holding my up in his own little way, letting me know that he truly knows what emotions I had to learn to deal with.  In fact, he taught me how to deal with death... He taught me different coping mechanisms and how to be successful. He physically trained me in a lot of areas at my job (before we started dating), and his mentality was, "I'm going to make you better than I ever was." Where I am weak, he is strong and visa versa. He is the strongest man I know when dealing with this kind of situation, but a situation like this can bring you to your knees really quickly.... and this time it's up to me to catch him when he falls. This is the first time we have been apart on scenes, so this is a new area for me. We are a team, but  have to learn how to play my position this time from the sidelines.

Now multiply that by thousands. That's how many people are dealing with these emotions. Think about how many parents are picking up their college children who rode out the tornado, and the are devastated and traumatized. What do you say to your child in a time like this? While you are thankful they survived, you cannot understand what emotions they are experiencing.  Pray harder for those people, because they are not acclamated with death as we are. This is our life because of our career in forensics, but so many people have not been trained to deal with this emotion and it is SO hard! Pray that God gives them peace... And I know he will.

I love you all!

The Tornado Will Not Win!!

Hello friends!

As you already know, several horrible tornados ripped through Alabama last night as we all watched helplessly from the comfort of our own homes. We may have been uncomfortable with our kids and pets in our cramped "safe place," but now, if you are like me, you are continuously thanking God that He gave you a safe place to hide from the storm.

Fortunately, we all have the opportunity to assist and help those who were not as fortunate as ourselves, and I pray that each and every one of you find it in your hearts to help in the way that God leads you to help. The minor things we take for granted each day are so very needed by MANY people, and if you take a few minutes to look, I am positive you can find an extra blanket, pillow, or bottle of Shampoo that will never be missed. But, before you look, take a moment to pray and ask God that He tells you what He needs you to send, that He will show you the item that will make a huge difference to another family. Then, pray for him to open your eyes so that you may know what he is saying.

This is a time when we cannot be selfish.  We often save many items "just in case" we need them at a future time. Well, THIS is that time, and the reason you saved them is NOW.  It is not another country or even another state that needs your assistance.  No, this time, it is your neighbor, your friends, and your own cities that need help. Don't make them ask, and cheerfully give what you can! It could just as easily have been you or me in this situation, and I would hope that someone would help me just the same.

A good friend of mine and her family lost everything they own last night. By the grace of God they are safe and together. They came out of their house and went into their stom shelter.  Minutes later, they came out of their storm shelter and the only thing left was 4 trees and the foundation of their house. The flowers in the flower beds were still in their perfect little places, but their cars still have not been located. They literally have the clothes on their backs, and every video, every memory, every item they owned is not ruined, it s not dirty, it is GONE! No where to be found at all. Now multiply this by thousands...

Due to the fact that I have been very sick lately, I cannot assist physically in the clean up there. Thankfully, God has answered my prayers, and the medication I am currently taking has made an improvement that allows me to stay awake and alert! Usually, this is But, my mother and I are driving two car loads of supplies to Tuscaloosa this afternoon to help.  I have items for my friends, but we are also bringing items to anyone who needs them. Just being there may let them know that they are not alone.  If you have anything you can give, please let me know though facebook.  I will be driving back to Montgomery tomorrow to pick up another load to bring there, so if you still have time! But, I need to be notified if you have items, because time will be limited and in order to get everything theren safely, we can't drive all over the county to pick up items from each person. I'll arrange everything if you have ANYTHING!

When I was gathering items in my house, I thought that I had better read my devotional journal first. I said a prayer that God would show me which part of the journal to read to show guide me where I am to go to assist, and He told me to open randomly. This is what was written on the page:

He leads us on by paths we did not know;
Upward He leads us, though our steps be slow;
Though oft we faint and falter on the way;
Though storms and darkness oft obscure the day;
Yet when the clouds are gone;
We know He leads us on.

Now if that doesn't tell you that God was listening to me, read what was written underneath that:

Your guide will keep to no beaten path. He will lead you by a way such as you never dreamed your eyes would look on. He knows no fear, and He expects you to fear nothing while He is with you.

My prayer was answered instantly!

My sweet husband, Scott, is headed to Tuscaloosa as we speak. He is in charge of the Department of Forensics Mass Disaster Team, so unfortunately as you all know what "forensics" means, he is going solely to work with the people who lost their lives last night.  As in any disaster situation, the longer deceased bodies are outside, the risk of infection and disease grows. Please pray that he will be a solid leader for the disaster team, and that God will watch over them as they do the worst job imaginable. I am honored to be married to the man who is in charge of this difficult task, and I know that he will use his skill and knowledge to be the most effective leader that he can be.

Many days I have prayed that his phone would not ring to call him into the destruction, and I have worried about his safety in the event that he was called out.  Fortunately, he his team has not been activated until now. What I found was that when I was helping him pack supplies this morning for his mission, I did not feel nervous our scared, but I felt pride and peace. God will watch over him and his team, and I trust this more than I ever have. Before he left, I told him I felt like we needed to say a prayer together, and he agreed.  Leaning in he drivers side door of his car, I wrapped my arms around his neck, told him loved him, and I started speaking to God for both of us. I asked to wrap His arms around my husband and keep hm safe from harm. I asked him to place it on Scott's heart where he needs him to be, and show him who he needs to help. I asked God to allow Scott to be receptive and give him the patient ability to listen to what God is trying to say, regardess of other instructions.

Before he left, Scott reminded me that his job was to deal with the fatalities while he was there, and he would not be able to pass out supplies and he reminded me that he would most likely be inside a morgue most of the time. This made me smile, to which he looked confused... I said, "Scott, you don't know what your job is right now. In this situation, you do not get to choose our job. As soon as I said that prayer, you lost control of what your plan is,and your put it in Gods hands. Fortunately, everything is out of your control."  and with that I turned and walked back into the house.
This morning I was headed to the beach to sleep for the next four days. But, the beach is not where I am supposed to go. There are SO many people who have given their time to help those in need. Please also pray that God will direct them where to go.

I read a story a while back that I will share with you. I read that on Septembe 11, 2001, when the terrorist attacks occured, there was a retired marine that lived in Connecticut. He saw the devastation on television, and he immediately knew he had to help. He prayed that God would show him who he needed to help and show him where to go to find the victims and make the most difference. He put on his old marine uniform, packed a bag, put the top down on his convertible, and drove as fast as he could to the twin towers. Everything was calculated as he knew that if he was a civilian, the road blocks would not grant him access into te city, but so many military forces had been activated that they would now know he was retired. They simply looked into his convertible, saw the marine uniform, and granted him immediate access. When he got to ground zero, he saw the officers and people instructing workers where to look. He decided he would go search in the area that had been designated as "clear" and off limits. He said it was if it was called into that direction. He ran into a man who had a very similar idea, and they searched together for survivors, and this was unknown to any other people searching, as they were in an uncharted area. After looking and yelling for survivors, they heard a tiny yell. Slowly, the moved debris for hours and hours, until they uncovered what was an elevator full of survivors. Survivors that would have been missed if he had ignored God's instructions and guidance. Two people out of both of those buildings may seem small, but I bet when those few survivors tuck their kids in at night or kiss their wives good morning, they thank God everyday that the marine had a Christian heart.

So, I'm going to go now so I can finish packing. I hope you took something away from this, and I pray that you see the truth. We are ALL family, but some of our family is hurt... Can you help?  

Our Journey... Totally Not Going As Planned!!

When Scott and I started dating, I was the girl in high heels, perfect hair, not a real care in the world except for what color eyeshadow I was going to wear or if my toenails matched my fingernails. We were so carefree, just roaming day to day in complete "normalness." The night that I went to the Emergency Room for the first time with a 6 day migraine, numbness on one side of my face, and complete vision loss in my right eye, we still saw this as a temporary minor kink, a typical headache from stress and everyday wear and tear. Boy were we wrong. Little did we know that in less that a year, I would rapidly become a shell of who that girl once was and we would both have to struggle with "real life" before either one of us was ready for it to smack us in the face....

Right now I can't sleep, because the pain in the back of my head and my neck is throbbing and radiating down my spine.  I'm still in the bed, propped sideways on 4 pillows and one round donut pillow, the only position that seems to aleviate some of the strain, but unfortunately highly inhibits my typing accuracy.  I have to be honest with you now, as I know I haven't been in the past. We are  99.9999% sure that I have Multiple Sclerosis. The 100% mark has not been met, because of the extensive testing and the time required to achieve a positive diagnosis for insurance to accept, but I do have lesions on my brain, I do have Ideopathic Hypersomnia (a sleep disorder where I sleep an abnormal amount of time, like 23 hours a day without my medication and if I don't take it, I get so delirious that the pictures on the walls move), I have chronic migraines on a weekly basis, I have excruciating daily chronic joint and muscle pain equivalent to a what it would be like for a 60 year old to water ski all day, I do have blurry or partial vision in both of my eyes at random times unexpectedly, I have bleeding stomach ulcers from the migraine management medication, I cannot sit OR walk for extended periods of time, various parts of my body go numb at any given moment, but the absolute worst symptom is new and the most debilitating of all: The condition in the back of my head and neck creates confusion and the inability to perform normal tasks like everyone else.

For example, the best way to describe it is like this: The pain in my neck is so severe that it puts me in a "mental fog," prohibiting me from concentrating, walking straight and steady, focusing on words and sentences, and diminished any motivation I may have to do anything but lay down.  It honestly feels like I have weights attached to my head, pulling down at all times, while pressure is shooting up my neck. I think that if I could have something hold my head up for me, I would feel better.  It is just so incredibly heavy that I can't concentrate on anything except putting my head against something supportive, like my pillow.  It's almost like the back of my neck is about to bust from the pressure, and NOTHING takes this away.

The pain travels down my neck to the area where my bra strap is and radiates down and around my shoulder blades.  This is every single day, all day, all week, all month... with no relief. I have spent so so many months acting like everything is ok and I've told those who asked that I am doing better, and thanks for asking and things are great now. Well, honestly, I am totally lying to you and I just can't pretend anymore. I honestly don't have the energy to act like I am the same person anymore, because it exhausts what energy I do have. I guess it's pride, but I feel like everyone feels like I had potential to do something with my life, but that I ended up being a disappointment. Trust me, each morning when I scream out loud when I have to straighten my arms out and my elbow joints burn with stiffness down my arm... I feel the disappointment too,

The thing is, I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I don't even want people to pray for me to be magically healed, and for God to take the disease away from me.  Ok, well that is sort of a lie.  You can pray that God will take this specific neck and head pain  away if you want to, because to date this is the only pain I can't function with.  Other than that, I don't mind having Multiple Sclerosis, because it could be so much worse, and I have met some pretty awesome people as a result of this journey.  One of my best friends, Dawna, introduced me to her mother in law, Bonnie, before I ever even knew what Multiple Sclerosis was. When I first went to the Emergency Room and started seeing neurologists, I contacted Mrs. Bonnie, who also has Multiple Sclerosis and that turned out to be the smartest decision I have made yet. She not only connected me with my current AWESOME neurologist, Dr. Christopher LaGanke, but she also has walked me through the major turning points.

Although I kind of "knew" before I saw Dr. Laganke, I will never forget the night I got the call that I do have the indicative lesions on my brain.  I was driving home, and when I parked my car, I got out and called Mrs. Bonnie to tell her the results we had been waiting for. I was overcome with... relief! I was so excited after the LONG process of tests and being told that I was totally fine that they had finally found Lesions on my brain! Finally!!.... Um no. I was completely dilusional, partly because I was naive and partly because my symptoms were so minor compared to now. The testing was just getting started and I hadn't even bought my ticket on the MS Journey Train.  I remember standing in the pouring rain outside my house, and she told me that the results and diagnosis has not hit me yet, not really, but when it did, I could call her, because I would be devastated. I didn't understand what she was talking about until many weeks later when I had to miss a trip that was so very important to me but I was sick, I didn't understand until that day when I was sobbing uncontrollably on the couch with disappointment not only from having missed the trip, but with realization that this was who I was now... and I was not ready. I suddenly realized I was different, and it was so devastating.

Mrs. Bonnie had told me the good, the bad, and the...funny stuff. Just like anything else, you must have humor in the situation. For example, Scott, who is 16 years older than me, is now going to be able to grow old with me. What I mean is, before I was sick, when I imagined us 20 years from now, I pictured me at the top of a big water slide, motioning for him to  run up the 30 flights of stairs to slide too, while he waves No from below, nestled underneath an umbrella, his knees sore like everyone else his age while I had to slide alone all day. Wierd, I know, but It's true. Now I laugh, because we both get to grow old together, even if my appearance doesn't age as fast, my body still will, maybe more rapidly than his.Only now I tell him he will be old and senile and I'll at least look young. ha.

Scott hated the word "Caregiver" in the beginning, because he said he will be my husband, not my caregiver, because it's implied.  We quickly realized he was my caregiver and my husband, and those roles are two entirely different positions.  He has to take care of me and make sure I get in bed after I get too sleepy to function, and he makes the doctor's office and pharmacy calls, because I know he can remember to relate all of the information and not get confused.  But, he also is my husband, and he had to learn how to balance those two roles, because when they co-mingle...  I get stubborn. And stubborn and multiple sclerosis does not equal safety.

Back to Mrs. Bonnie for a sec:  She may be a little tiny lady, no more than 100 pounds soaking wet, but I know now that she is one tough lady.  She didn't shield me from the truth, and although it's hard to hear, that was so comforting in the long run.  She gives me someone to refer to. What I mean is, when I get a new symptom or get in a tough situation, I think, "I wonder if Mrs. Bonnie had to go through this... and that's comforting, because she's skill going strong.  One thing most people do not realize is that while Multiple Sclerosis is a disease many have heard of, a lot of people do not know all of the symptoms or what the disease does to your body. I definitely did not when this started.  I believe if more people truly knew some of the symptoms, they could be more helpful and understanding.  Unfortunately, Multiple Sclerosis is best described as a "Big disease composed of multiple little diseases and illnesses."  And each person has a different journey and a different symptom tracker, usually different with each new day. It's unpredictable, much like my personality, which I find to be ironic. So, just because you know somone who has MS and they are doing great and you hardly know, that really doesn't help. That kind of implies that because they are handling it so great that I should too, like I must be doing something wrong, because I'm not doing as well as they are. But the truth is, they may have a totally different kind of MS with a different rate of progression.

Often people ask me how I deal with the disease and it is best described like this:  Every day when I drive home from work, I pass a sign in Shorter, Alabama that makes me think about the disease.  I'm not sure why this sign does it, but I think it's because that sign just happens to be about in the spot where I get really sleepy on my way home every day, also a symptom. Anyway, when I see this sign, I often think the same thought:  I am so thankful that God chose to give me this disease instead of any one of my friends or family.  I know the horrible pain that I live in each day. I know what it takes to make myself get out of bed even when it hurts. But I also know that I CAN handle it no matter what. I know that, because I AM! On the contrary, I can't imagine having to watch any of them have to suffer with his day in and day out. Honestly, I probably wouldn't have had very much patience to help before now, and I can admit that. I have always known that I have an extremely high pain tolerance (as long as I'm not bleeding or I don't get a paper cut... ha), but even with a high pain tolerance, I am still in the floor at home sometimes, trying to find anything to take the throbbing away. I can't imagine if I had to watch them like that and know that I couldn't help. Because honestly, nothing except patience, understanding and an ear to listen will make this situation better... and maybe a prayer or two.  But, when you pray, don't pray that I magically be healed. Pray that I continue to accept this hand that I have been dealt. Pray that I will use this to help others as I have been helped. Pray that I continue to make good decisions regarding my health and that I have the strength to fight this every day for the rest of my life... because honesty, that thought right there makes me want to talk a nap all over again.

I know that I can do this. Do I want to do this?  Um...no, not at all. But I'm a firm believe that everything happens for a reason, and someone out there will be touched by this, and I can't lose sight of that. Scott says that I'm too proud and I need to let people help me, and maybe he is right. It's hard though, because I have gotten so good at acting normal and falling apart when I come home at night so no one will think I'm different.  Mrs Bonnie told me not to shut people out and to let them help me, and I remember thinking, "I have nothing to be ashamed of and I wouldn't shut anyone out!" Guess what? I didn't tell more than like 5 people for over NINE months! I did just that, shut everyone out and didn't let anyone help me. But a hospital stay in February for what may or may not have been a mini-stroke (TIA) and my name making it on the church prayer list changed that overnight, and suddenly everyone knew...and you know what... I felt the first blow of relief. (The second blow came when I got to ride the handicapped elevator in Los Angeles after walking 10 blocks...ha Little tiny blue wheelchair inside the blue circle... you were my savior!)

Last but not least, I am currently faced with a really difficult decision. A speedy decision. Sometimes effects from Multiple Sclerosis can be helped for a long period of time, even improved. But, like I said, each case is different.  I do not know exactly what is causing my head and neck pain, but the horrible pain is finally at the point where I can't function properly and work 40 hours a week like I have been.  I filed for FMLA, just in case, a few months ago, so I have 3 months of unpaid leave if I need it.
Bottom line:  While my heart is broken and our bank account has been depleted with medical bills and unbelievable monthly prescription costs, I am facing the decision of whether or not I should resign from my job while I still have a relatively clean file. I'm considering taking FMLA leave per my doctors request to have the time to discuss treatments, explore options, see if working everyday is straining my body still even with easier work, to see if we can afford for me not to work at all, and the list goes on.  From the time this started, I really haven't taken the time to come to terms with anything, and in the meantime my health has rapidly deteorated and I have to be able to accept that or at least know if I can reverse any of the symptoms, and I do not think I can do that if I am working everyday right now or if I am paranoid that I am going to make a mistake at work that will really cost me my job. FMLA leave will hold my job for three months max, so if in that time I can try new options and things impove then I go back, nothing lost. If nothing changes and I still can't work effectively, then we know we tried. But I can't be accountable for evidence if I don't trust my own abilities, much less expect my boss to. I have never made a mistake with the actual evidence, and this is my way of ensuring that never happens. The scary thing is that I'm only 24. What am I going to be like in 30 years?

I just do not know what to do for sure.  I have to talk with my doctor tomorrow and also with Scott tomorrow night.  We will make our decision after we explore all routes and then I meet with my boss Friday morning to let her know.  All I know is this: I love my job. I am in extreme pain. We definitely NEED the money as it is, much less without my salary. But, I also need to help myself get well and focus on me right now. I want to do what is best for my family.

So, please say a prayer that we make the right decision.  If you have any suggestions, please pass them on to us, because we are open to anything. Oh, and THANK YOU everyone for thinking and praying about as we travel down this warped little journey.... Sometimes you just have to laugh when it hurts this bad. Then you realize that this is a disease that progresses... meaning, yes, it really does get worse in this situation. That very fact is the thing that makes me relish each day, no matter how painful it is. I feel like I can't take off work today for the worry that what if it is worse tomorrow?  What would I do if I thought this was the worst pain imaginable? Tomorrow, when it hurts a little more, I wouldn't be able to handle it. ButI know I can, because I do. Well,WE do.  In a way, Scott was diagnosed with this little fate along with me. And, even when he's being a butthead and making me get up when I'm sleepy by yanking the covers off or even when he gets cranky when I'm already feeling sorry or myself, I know that God sent him to me for a reason. I rely on him to let me lean on him in so many ways... even on the Subway Handicapped elevator in Los Angeles at 10 p.m. on our Honeymoon. He never looks up and sees me limping, because he's already walking right beside me, holding my hand. 

Sometimes I look up at him quickly to try to catch a glimpse of embarrassment on his face when I am having a flare-up in public and my walking is slow... Instead, I usually get a wink and a smile and a quick simple kiss on the tip of my nose. I don't think I would trade this if I could, because the one hard simple disease that has forced me to rely on another person has taught me how to truly love someone for how they treat others... mainly for how he treats me.  I know I love him more than anything, but most importantly, I know he loves me just the same, sick or not.  I know this because he tells me all the time.

PINEAPPLE EXPRESS- What's With the Suit Clip

This clip always cracks me up when he realizes that he has a cool job too... That giggle he lets out is priceless! haha... I think one of the ironic aspects about this clip is that James Franco isn't an idiot at all in real life, much unlike the characters he plays in his movies.  Franco is very intelligent, and is often seen reading books such as The Iliad between scene akes.  From the content of his movies, he gives the impression that he is one of the dumbest people alive, but he's actually currently working on his doctorate degree and has published several short stories.  I personally think he is a great actor, even more now that I see how much he really has to work to shift himself into the role for his movies. His younger brother plays the role of "Cole" on the ninth and final season of Scrubs, also.  He, too, has to make a dramatic change to evolve into his "Tool" character of the hospital "player guy."

Belton Baseball.... So Much Fun!

Well, the kiddos just left to go home, and I'm at the house left pondering what to do mixed with smiling about what we all did today. Today, we played the Belton Family Baseball Game....... kinda. Scott, Evan, Izzy, and I got out in the yard in our "goof-off" clothes and played baseball together for a while. I played softball for years back in the day, but both of the kids have no idea (even though I just randomly had my OWN glove...ha). It was hilarious to listen to Evan give me pointers and tips on how to catch the ball. I love it, because that lets me know that he is learning and taking in what he is taught by his Daddy and coaches. And you know what? The little guy is a pretty much on the road to being the next Chipper Jones... after I explained to him who Chipper was.....ha. And it was quite a confidence booster to hear Evan tell Scott that I am a "way better" baseball player than Daddy is. Although Evan did admit that Scott might not be "really trying," because that's just what Daddies do when they play with their kids. :) He's a smart little fella.

Izzy, on the other hand, is at that age where she wants to play sports, but she doesn't think it's the "girly" thing to do, so she "participates." By participates, I mean she didn't want to ruin her nails so she spent half the game attempting to catch the ball with no glove on (Ahh... you threw that at ME!) and we had to be careful where we hit the ball for the chance that she may be laying on her back... sunning. ha! She is growing up so fast, but I still see that sporty little girl come out. Particularly when she was doing everyone's favorite part, batting of course. And she "absolutely could not" bat unless Daddy gave her his sunglasses... Another necessity to complete the cool look. She is such a sweet little girl!

We all took turns batting, and we only had one almost mishap, when I almost took out the back window of my car, which the kids thought was HILARIOUS! Scott gave me those "I'm glad they thought that was cute but you know that would have been bad" looks, and we were back playing again. The weather today was beautiful, with everyone in their shorts and t-shirts except me who opted for hot pink pants. They were perfect for the celebratory run I did when I hit what I know would have been a world record... right into the field in front of the house. When we were finished, I promised Evan that I would try to buy a few more baseballs so I could help Daddy practice so he would be better next time we played, and then we all went back inside for some grape drink to cool off.

All in all, the day was great! I arranged junk in the house while they all had "Daddy Time" exploring in the woods and camping in the yard, yes during the day. They set up a "campfire" (NEVER LIT!) and I think Izzy brought every art supply she has to fill the tent. So, Evan was satisfied with his adventure tent while Izzy had her classroom inside it. The day could not have been better, and I wish we all could do it all over again. The only thing I would add is a bigger bat, because Evan's T-Ball bat was so tiny! Until next time....

I hope you enjoyed the pictures of our wonderful day!

Much To Write, Too Little Time!

Hello Strangers! I have so much to fill you in on, but I just have not had ANY free time lately. If it makes you feel any better, I mentally write my blog posts all the time on my way home.  Transferring them from my overflowing and underpaid brain is another story. So, just be patient please! I want to fill you in on details about our wedding, my new job transfer, recent medical issues, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and so many other recent happenings! Oh, and this is my little princess, my baby girl, JoJo. Isn't she precious!? Check back soon...