Shattered Dreams and BRAND NEW SCHEMES!

Well, Hello to ALL of my super special blog readers! (And, yes I do realize that my blog is overwhelmingly followed by a grand total of TWO people). So, you don't have to point that out to me, thank you...

I hope that each and every one of you two faithful readers finds yourself in good company tonight... See now doesn't that approach make me sound so.... sweet?  Like the eerily cheerful Michelle Obama, with her "I don't even know how to spell 'ATTITUDE'" sweetness? She makes me look like a demonic witch.  I don't know why but it irritates me that she is always so freakin nice and in such a good mood ALL   THE    TIME... with the SAME smile. And you know what I'm talking about ladies... We all have numerous smiles for every occasion, ready to pull the perfect one out at just the right time. Not Michelle. She's always just so... following.

   See what I mean? Ugh.

 Ok, I have to quit, because I'm just cracking myself up.  Lately, I catch myself laughing all the time at myself. You know what that is called: Sudden Twenty-Something Dilusion Syndrome. And, that's right, I think I have it.

Now if you google this phenomenon, and you are impressed by the hundreds of articles published about the unfortunate symptoms of this illness, PLEASE let me know, because I totally thought I made it up.

May has been a month of personal transition for me. Nothing major, just the fact that I feel like my entire life has changed completely, therefore transforming me into a person even I don't recognize some days. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, because I think that I have matured and found myself...kinda. I never really realized how much real precious time I was wasting before I was sick. I got up each morning and got dressed and felt nothing. I drove to work and slaved away and drove myself home each night... and felt nothing. I made detailed organized plans for my future, and set milestones all the time and... God was laughing at me. Then one day, He must have thought that I had wasted just about enough time being selfish, so he took my life and He did to me what can only be described as this: He Re-Hatched Me with a Brand New Set of Morals and Values.

God gave me a second chance through Multiple Sclerosis, a second chance to learn how what truly is most important in life. Best of all, God taught me to be THANKFUL, for just about everything. I no longer fret about my high heels matching or my make-up looking beautiful, for now I am thankful that I am able to put my shoes on by myself *most* mornings. I no longer worry about letting someone down because I cannot be there for them all the time, because now I have to focus on not letting myself down and staying the course day after day. It's like waking up each morning to a new agenda, an agenda that you have to prepare for without any warning: Will my feet be numb, will my legs refuse to move, will I be able to feel my fingers, is my neck physically going to hold my head up tomorrow, is my body trying to tell me something? But as most of you know, I am SO random.. and God gave me a random disease.

I'd imagine when God was shifting through his "Disease Binder" on the day that my name was called, He was probably frustrated. I mean, He had to give me something pretty important, something that would be challenging for me, otherwise I would always be griping and complaining to Him, whining about how "SHE got to have Multiple Sclerosis and all I got to have was Lupus?" or "Why do I have to get something as boring as Cancer when HE gets to be so cool with his Multiple Sclerosis?" God was probably sitting at his huge table with all of his sparkly angel buddies while they debated which illness I would enjoy more. I'd imagine that just about the time all of the angels started getting catty, flapping their wings, causing MY precious Heaven Papers to scatter across the room, God loudly announced, "OK, I have decided to give her Multiple Sclerosis AND a Chronic Daily Migraine, because if she only has Multiple Sclerosis she will eventually become bored with figuring out her symptoms, so the Migraine will cause just the right amount of daily fog to make her have to actually use her brain each day." And that is how I like to think that I was specially selected to harbor this disease... and I'm ok with it. In this scenario, I STILL got to be the center of attention for a little while, right?

All kidding aside, I'll briefly update you on my last visit with my neurologist. I have a *knot* in my neck that is really painful and it causes confusion and awful cramps in my neck and sometimes I physically cannot hold my head up. I have a little neck brace for that, luckily. Well, if you feel my neck, you can feel the knot. So I diagnosed myself with a brain tumor, made a will for my precious chihuahua, JoJo, and selected a nice solid Oak casket for my funeral... which will be pulled by a Harley... haha Just kidding. I seriously was worried about it though, and I had no answers. Turns out, It's JUST that I am having a chronic daily migraine in my neck, and the pain is so intense that it is causing the muscles in my neck to form a hard ball, like a cyst. The ball of muscles is pressing on the nerves in my neck from the bottom side and the top side is making the bones in my neck between my c3- c4 Spine area poke out of my neck... thus creating the hard *knot*. And I absolutely do NOT respond to migaine medicine, so I cannot make the migraine cease. The bad news is that Doctor Leganke thinks the lesions on my brain could possibly have spread to my neck and/or spine. I have to go back for like my tenth MRI in a week or so. And for those who do not know, the lesions cause pain and they mess with things such as your concentration, speech, attention span, congnitive abilities, walking, etc. It just depends on where they are. So, basically I have almost had the migraine in my neck every single day for one whole year... I totally think that on my one year Migraine Birthday, June 3, 2011, I should so get a surprise migraine party.... Just Saying.

And for the next course of action... just wait and see. Your guess is as good as mine. Treatment can control the MS, but it doesn't target the migraines. The migraines an cause lesions on my brain too. And the damage so far is irreversible. MS treatment just slows down the progression of the disease.. if it works. Doc gave me steroids to boost me, but so far the only thing it has given me is the inability to have even an ounce of patience and the rage of an old alcoholic wife beater... Sometimes I'd like to take a lot of heavy bottles and hurl them through the big den window one at a time, just to relieve some of the pressure. Then I imagine myself sitting on the couch for the rest of he day, trying to come up with a good story about how a big *animal* flew into the window and shattered it and I refrain from throwing anything but the occasional two year old tantrum.  Steroids = Chelsea is CRAZY. And the absolute best part is, they have not worked at all this time. Usually they do. This time... I think I may just have to buy stock in ice packs.

On a lighter note, while I have been "finding myself," I have made quite a few revelations about the new me. Most importantly I have realized this: I am the absolute wierdest person I know. I am not even kidding with you. Here are a few quick facts about me:

- I am obsessed with trying to find out how serial killers tick.
- I am addicted to Mountain Dew.
- I HATE to clean out the kitchen drain.
- I honestly have no patience anymore... for much of anything.
- Sometimes I get the urge to say what is on my mind... the real truth.
- I am so much stronger than I ever thought I could be.
- I have friends in places that I never even appreciated or realized.
- I am a creature of habit: I bathe with the same motions in the same order, every single time. If you walk in and say something that distracts me, I have to start all over.
- I have to have everything in balance- If there is a candle on one side, there has to be a candle on the other side... or my anxiety will fly through the roof thinking about it.
- I just realized I just may like frilly rosy feminine clothes.. who knew?
- I unplug everything before I leave the house... EVERYTHING... unless my dog is not there.
- I have a mental schedule that I may forget to share with you- But we HAVE to follow it.
- I HATE to drive.
- I think I'm a loner.

And the list goes on.  And on. And on.

Here are a few pictures of things or people that make me smile. Underneath, I'll put a little explanation...

 Our Wedding Day... this picture always makes me wonder what he was whispering in my ear. I can't remember most anything after the ceremony because I was so sick. This picture is real emotion. I love it!

 And honestly I added this picture, because while I am not SO concerned about make up anymore, I still think her eyeshadow is absolutely stunning... Just in case you wanted to know.

 I have this picture, because I think anyone with the natural ability to be so beautiful with such minimal effort should be... tagged in my blog?  I think she is beautiful all the time, in every picture. Real natural beautiful features.

And of course, the *Duchess* Kate! Sometimes I think she is so beautiful that I could cry. She is not scared to be herself, and she sets her own standards. The way she carries herself should be a guide for anyone who wants to learn how to set an example without even trying. I love everything about her, even the fact that her boobs are so teeny tiny like mine... We will take the focus away from you *trying* to tell is we are in fact female, and divert that attention to the fabulous HUGE hat on our head. If Kate can wear gaudy hats and hair clips with feathers on national t.v., I should definitely have the guts to stroll up to Izzy's soccer game with my big white Accessory on my head. Unfortunately, I have not ever made it out of the car with the hat actually on my head, but hopefully by next year I'll almost be there.

This needs no explanation... haha.

In this picture I was looking for my wedding gown. This was the dress I went in to try on... this was NOT THE DRESS. Ladies... when you pretend not to notice the price tag and bypass it to run your fingers across through the perfectly white lace... You just know. And this dress was not in my dreams.

 Neither was this dress... NOT THE ONE. .... Keep looking.

This sweet little beautiful brown baby is my chihuahua JoJo. It's sad, because I truly depend on her to keep me company each day, and I don't give her enough love in return. She may just be a dog, but this little girl has been through everything from day one. I truly love her.

I like this picture, because right after I put those fish down, my grandfather, Bop, taught me how to filet a fish for the first time... A wonderful experience that I will treasure forever!

This picture is special to me, because it is proof that I had the courage to cut off inches and inches of hair at one single time... That may seem small, but I had to know if I liked short hair better, so I made up my mind and went for it. Turns out, I hated it. Well, I know now.

This was my sweetheart, Scott, before I ever knew he was my sweetheart. That gentle smile... sometimes I wish I could give that back to him more often. A lot has changed since this picture was taken, a lot that hurts and makes you cling to each other as you learn what pain really is. We have been through it and we will stay together as we travel this road... but I will always treasure the short time we had when life was Simple. Gentle. Easy.

My husband really is so confident in his *Manliness* that he sometimes sports my BIG sunglasses when he wants to ooze hotness... Such a goofball... a wonderful goofball.

For added manliness, here is a picture of my husband in my white and pink eye mask... And he really is asleep. And yes, he will kill me when he sees this. Our house is never normal... but it's perfect.

I LOVE this picture, because it was taken when I was 16... and I was so young and free and naive and happy. I was like a freakin walking ray of sunshine all the time in my own little world. I am so thankful for that time!

This is my beautiful Grandmother, Mimi. I LOVE this picture, because it shows her battling her own fight with chemotherapy and breast cancer. I believe this is one of them most beautiful pictures I have of her, because she is real. I'm thankful that we both have been through a crazy experience, because we have an  unspoken bond... Isn't she beautiful?

My one and only tattoo... I was 19, and I went all by myself and got a tattoo. I have no regrets and I am still proud of myself for doing what I wanted regardless of if anyone thought I went from "classy" to "trashy."  It means "ANGEL." I have no idea why I picked that at the time... It was random. Now I love it because I constantly have my own little reminder that God's angels are with me all the time...

Mr. Donnie Martin, one of my old bosses at Martin Funeral Home in Clanton, AL. He has Cerebral Palsy. The doctors said he would never walk. He rode a tricycle around town until he was 8, and his grandmother had to replace his tricycle tires 3 times! But when he was 8 years old, he learned to walk.. He went on to get married, he has a son, and he still beats the odds and works his tiny little butt off each day at the funeral home, even if it just by showing support. He has the personality of an angel, and I love him a lot. He's still walking and talking and he's about 70 years old.

My first scrapbook page... I had never even met Izzy when I made this. But I already loved her so much!

I just like this picture, because I'm being goofy... This was before my head started hurting... I was completely pain free in this picture... but I'm still just as goofy...

So here it is: THE DRESS.

This picture is Izzy and Evan when they were little. This picture makes me smile, because they are so young, so sweet, and so wonderful to have in my life. But it also makes me sad, because I wish I had known them then... I wish I hadn't missed seeing them grow. But I channel this to make sure I watch them grow now... They are angels.

My first baby boy: My brother Micah. I LOVE him more than he will ever realize. He has my heart and he doesn't even know it. I am so proud of him and I am so thankful that he loves God and that he is so smart... He will make a great difference one day, mark my words. He already makes one to me now.

Here I am at an exercise at work when I worked for the Alabama Department of Forensic Sciences Medical Examiner's Office... I am SO thankful that God allowed me to do my dream job, cutting autopsies, for two whole years! He gave me what I wanted!!

Here we are on our honeymoon. This picture is a complete lie; In reality, we were scared out of our minds. That's why I love it. We were on our way to catch the subway in LA and it was getting dark. We were so clueless... but we were so wrapped up in each other that we made it through that crazy journey... Another time, another story...

Universal Studios... No one to worry about but us. We FINALLY made it!

The proposal... look at his shiny little cheeks grinning... LOVE IT! He had my heart way before that night, but the ring sealed the deal!

Without this little lady, I would not be here. This is my great grandmother, Annie Lee. As I've watched her grow older, I have learned that sometimes silence is the key to surviving. This littl lady has known some heavy pain and heartache in her lifetime... She has a story within her, and an entirely different world lives in her heart... sometimes I envy her for that.

I hope you enjoyed that little memory trip! Well, I have to go clean the house. Now. Scott is on his way home with the kids, and it looks like a craft store threw up all throughout my house... More later.