Loryn Brown... You Will Always Be Loved!

Well here we are, two days after the huge tornado tore across the South.  With fatality numbers rising and new "road blocks" every day, I would have expected many people to say the famous, "Oh my gosh, that's awful" and go back to their lives. But you know what? That is exactly the opposite of what is occuring across our state.

There has been more people pull together in the last two days than I have ever seen in my lifetime. People who have never met, previous enemies, and people we will never know have given their time, money, supplies, blood, prayers, and assistance to people they will never know. The only way to explain such selflessness is to acknowledge that God is definitely walking with each and every one of us right now, even if you do not want to hold his hand. I personally have clung to Him over the past few days more than I ever have, and I specifically was not even devastated by this disaster. But, I need him, and fortunately, He's here with me!

When I heard of a specific fatality of a girl who graduated from Edgewood Academy, Loryn Brown, I automatically did what many of you have done or will do if you did not know her: I looked her up on facebook.  From what I can tell, she was the All American Beauty Pageant Winning Surrounded by Friends Great Personality College Student. She was smiling in almost every single picture, and her curly hair was wild and free... something I find beautful in itself.

The last picture of Loryn with the houndstooth shoulder strap is my absolute favorite... There's something about the look on her face and the sparkle in her eye (and her awesome bright white teeth that we all would envy!) that seems to say, "I am so completely happy at this very moment!"

It appears that her mother came to Tuscaloosa not too long ago and they went on a little family photo shoot for a day. I found myself thanking God that they took the time to do that, as many of us rarely do.  Those pictures will be cherished by many forever, and they will always have them! Loryn looked identical to her mother, which is where she got her beautiful curls and bright smile. When you look like your  mother and you are close to your mother as it seems like she was, there is a special bond... maybe from always hearing, "She's a spitting image of you!" I read in one of her picture comments where someone wrote, "Loryn, you look beautiful." and Loryn's response was this:"Thanks! You know I get it from my mom!" Breaks my heart... You know that could have just as easily have been you or me, and for many, it almost was!

Below is the link to the news clip of Loryn's parent's that aired last night.

http://www.wsfa.com/Global/story.asp?S=14545445

I've found myself hoping that she didn't know quite how bad it was, and praying that she didn't suffer.  I know how scared I was in my closet and I didn't have a tornado outside my house. What I felt when I looked at her picture was sadness mixed with fear, because of this: When she smiled so big for the camera, she had no idea that her life would be taken so early. She thought she had forever, just like we think we do. One of her picture captions even says, "You can't replace this!" And you know what? She was exactly right.  Having done thousands of autopsies, I've often caught myself wondering what each person would do different if they knew their time to be called to heaven would be soon.. Would they change anything? Would she have changed anything? Would we change anything? What would it be?

We are all fortunate to have the opportunity to change things in our lives from this point on, because our fragile lives were spared! We are still alive, and we have to rethink how we all live. The story of our lives is determines by the compilation of each an every day we live and our actions.  I have the urge to contact old friends and family members that I often think of but do not take the time to let them know... how long would it take? A few extra minutes? I received a message a few years ago from a fellow classmate, Justin Rye. All it said was, "Hey girl. I just wanted to see how you have been doing lately." I checked the message and realized I was late for class and I decided I would write back a little later... two days later, he passed away. I never wrote him back. We were not close friends, but we WERE friends and that's what matters now... And I will always wish I had let him know that instead of deciding to write back later.  Tuscaloosa RIGHT NOW should show us all that we may not have later!

My husband is heading home for a temporary stay as I type, and I am so thankful that God kept him safe while he dealt with the fatalities there. From my own experience working with death and autopsies and mass fatalities, when you come home from an area of devastation surrounded by death constantly for an extended amount of time, the transformation to ordinary life is so stressful. It is like temporary Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and you don't even realize it until it hits you hard! I worked a mass murder a while back, and it took me days to relax and ease back to being normal, because you play everything over and over all the time, and then someone asks you what you want for dinner. Dinner? Why would you be talking about dinner when these people are suffering? That's what you think, but unless you have been there, you would not understand.


While I have worked situations very similar, I have not been with him during this experience, therefore I do not understand fully now. Please pray that God gives me the ability to comfort him when he comes home. We work so well together because we both have such a strong ability to block out and deal with death and trauma, but we do this together. For those who do not know, our relationship started because we work together.  So from the beginning, we have been a partner to each other, and we have leaned on each other through each difficult day. I've done autopsies on children hundreds of times, and he was right there holding my up in his own little way, letting me know that he truly knows what emotions I had to learn to deal with.  In fact, he taught me how to deal with death... He taught me different coping mechanisms and how to be successful. He physically trained me in a lot of areas at my job (before we started dating), and his mentality was, "I'm going to make you better than I ever was." Where I am weak, he is strong and visa versa. He is the strongest man I know when dealing with this kind of situation, but a situation like this can bring you to your knees really quickly.... and this time it's up to me to catch him when he falls. This is the first time we have been apart on scenes, so this is a new area for me. We are a team, but  have to learn how to play my position this time from the sidelines.

Now multiply that by thousands. That's how many people are dealing with these emotions. Think about how many parents are picking up their college children who rode out the tornado, and the are devastated and traumatized. What do you say to your child in a time like this? While you are thankful they survived, you cannot understand what emotions they are experiencing.  Pray harder for those people, because they are not acclamated with death as we are. This is our life because of our career in forensics, but so many people have not been trained to deal with this emotion and it is SO hard! Pray that God gives them peace... And I know he will.

I love you all!

The Tornado Will Not Win!!

Hello friends!

As you already know, several horrible tornados ripped through Alabama last night as we all watched helplessly from the comfort of our own homes. We may have been uncomfortable with our kids and pets in our cramped "safe place," but now, if you are like me, you are continuously thanking God that He gave you a safe place to hide from the storm.

Fortunately, we all have the opportunity to assist and help those who were not as fortunate as ourselves, and I pray that each and every one of you find it in your hearts to help in the way that God leads you to help. The minor things we take for granted each day are so very needed by MANY people, and if you take a few minutes to look, I am positive you can find an extra blanket, pillow, or bottle of Shampoo that will never be missed. But, before you look, take a moment to pray and ask God that He tells you what He needs you to send, that He will show you the item that will make a huge difference to another family. Then, pray for him to open your eyes so that you may know what he is saying.

This is a time when we cannot be selfish.  We often save many items "just in case" we need them at a future time. Well, THIS is that time, and the reason you saved them is NOW.  It is not another country or even another state that needs your assistance.  No, this time, it is your neighbor, your friends, and your own cities that need help. Don't make them ask, and cheerfully give what you can! It could just as easily have been you or me in this situation, and I would hope that someone would help me just the same.

A good friend of mine and her family lost everything they own last night. By the grace of God they are safe and together. They came out of their house and went into their stom shelter.  Minutes later, they came out of their storm shelter and the only thing left was 4 trees and the foundation of their house. The flowers in the flower beds were still in their perfect little places, but their cars still have not been located. They literally have the clothes on their backs, and every video, every memory, every item they owned is not ruined, it s not dirty, it is GONE! No where to be found at all. Now multiply this by thousands...

Due to the fact that I have been very sick lately, I cannot assist physically in the clean up there. Thankfully, God has answered my prayers, and the medication I am currently taking has made an improvement that allows me to stay awake and alert! Usually, this is But, my mother and I are driving two car loads of supplies to Tuscaloosa this afternoon to help.  I have items for my friends, but we are also bringing items to anyone who needs them. Just being there may let them know that they are not alone.  If you have anything you can give, please let me know though facebook.  I will be driving back to Montgomery tomorrow to pick up another load to bring there, so if you still have time! But, I need to be notified if you have items, because time will be limited and in order to get everything theren safely, we can't drive all over the county to pick up items from each person. I'll arrange everything if you have ANYTHING!

When I was gathering items in my house, I thought that I had better read my devotional journal first. I said a prayer that God would show me which part of the journal to read to show guide me where I am to go to assist, and He told me to open randomly. This is what was written on the page:

He leads us on by paths we did not know;
Upward He leads us, though our steps be slow;
Though oft we faint and falter on the way;
Though storms and darkness oft obscure the day;
Yet when the clouds are gone;
We know He leads us on.

Now if that doesn't tell you that God was listening to me, read what was written underneath that:

Your guide will keep to no beaten path. He will lead you by a way such as you never dreamed your eyes would look on. He knows no fear, and He expects you to fear nothing while He is with you.

My prayer was answered instantly!

My sweet husband, Scott, is headed to Tuscaloosa as we speak. He is in charge of the Department of Forensics Mass Disaster Team, so unfortunately as you all know what "forensics" means, he is going solely to work with the people who lost their lives last night.  As in any disaster situation, the longer deceased bodies are outside, the risk of infection and disease grows. Please pray that he will be a solid leader for the disaster team, and that God will watch over them as they do the worst job imaginable. I am honored to be married to the man who is in charge of this difficult task, and I know that he will use his skill and knowledge to be the most effective leader that he can be.

Many days I have prayed that his phone would not ring to call him into the destruction, and I have worried about his safety in the event that he was called out.  Fortunately, he his team has not been activated until now. What I found was that when I was helping him pack supplies this morning for his mission, I did not feel nervous our scared, but I felt pride and peace. God will watch over him and his team, and I trust this more than I ever have. Before he left, I told him I felt like we needed to say a prayer together, and he agreed.  Leaning in he drivers side door of his car, I wrapped my arms around his neck, told him loved him, and I started speaking to God for both of us. I asked to wrap His arms around my husband and keep hm safe from harm. I asked him to place it on Scott's heart where he needs him to be, and show him who he needs to help. I asked God to allow Scott to be receptive and give him the patient ability to listen to what God is trying to say, regardess of other instructions.

Before he left, Scott reminded me that his job was to deal with the fatalities while he was there, and he would not be able to pass out supplies and he reminded me that he would most likely be inside a morgue most of the time. This made me smile, to which he looked confused... I said, "Scott, you don't know what your job is right now. In this situation, you do not get to choose our job. As soon as I said that prayer, you lost control of what your plan is,and your put it in Gods hands. Fortunately, everything is out of your control."  and with that I turned and walked back into the house.
This morning I was headed to the beach to sleep for the next four days. But, the beach is not where I am supposed to go. There are SO many people who have given their time to help those in need. Please also pray that God will direct them where to go.

I read a story a while back that I will share with you. I read that on Septembe 11, 2001, when the terrorist attacks occured, there was a retired marine that lived in Connecticut. He saw the devastation on television, and he immediately knew he had to help. He prayed that God would show him who he needed to help and show him where to go to find the victims and make the most difference. He put on his old marine uniform, packed a bag, put the top down on his convertible, and drove as fast as he could to the twin towers. Everything was calculated as he knew that if he was a civilian, the road blocks would not grant him access into te city, but so many military forces had been activated that they would now know he was retired. They simply looked into his convertible, saw the marine uniform, and granted him immediate access. When he got to ground zero, he saw the officers and people instructing workers where to look. He decided he would go search in the area that had been designated as "clear" and off limits. He said it was if it was called into that direction. He ran into a man who had a very similar idea, and they searched together for survivors, and this was unknown to any other people searching, as they were in an uncharted area. After looking and yelling for survivors, they heard a tiny yell. Slowly, the moved debris for hours and hours, until they uncovered what was an elevator full of survivors. Survivors that would have been missed if he had ignored God's instructions and guidance. Two people out of both of those buildings may seem small, but I bet when those few survivors tuck their kids in at night or kiss their wives good morning, they thank God everyday that the marine had a Christian heart.

So, I'm going to go now so I can finish packing. I hope you took something away from this, and I pray that you see the truth. We are ALL family, but some of our family is hurt... Can you help?  

Our Journey... Totally Not Going As Planned!!

When Scott and I started dating, I was the girl in high heels, perfect hair, not a real care in the world except for what color eyeshadow I was going to wear or if my toenails matched my fingernails. We were so carefree, just roaming day to day in complete "normalness." The night that I went to the Emergency Room for the first time with a 6 day migraine, numbness on one side of my face, and complete vision loss in my right eye, we still saw this as a temporary minor kink, a typical headache from stress and everyday wear and tear. Boy were we wrong. Little did we know that in less that a year, I would rapidly become a shell of who that girl once was and we would both have to struggle with "real life" before either one of us was ready for it to smack us in the face....

Right now I can't sleep, because the pain in the back of my head and my neck is throbbing and radiating down my spine.  I'm still in the bed, propped sideways on 4 pillows and one round donut pillow, the only position that seems to aleviate some of the strain, but unfortunately highly inhibits my typing accuracy.  I have to be honest with you now, as I know I haven't been in the past. We are  99.9999% sure that I have Multiple Sclerosis. The 100% mark has not been met, because of the extensive testing and the time required to achieve a positive diagnosis for insurance to accept, but I do have lesions on my brain, I do have Ideopathic Hypersomnia (a sleep disorder where I sleep an abnormal amount of time, like 23 hours a day without my medication and if I don't take it, I get so delirious that the pictures on the walls move), I have chronic migraines on a weekly basis, I have excruciating daily chronic joint and muscle pain equivalent to a what it would be like for a 60 year old to water ski all day, I do have blurry or partial vision in both of my eyes at random times unexpectedly, I have bleeding stomach ulcers from the migraine management medication, I cannot sit OR walk for extended periods of time, various parts of my body go numb at any given moment, but the absolute worst symptom is new and the most debilitating of all: The condition in the back of my head and neck creates confusion and the inability to perform normal tasks like everyone else.

For example, the best way to describe it is like this: The pain in my neck is so severe that it puts me in a "mental fog," prohibiting me from concentrating, walking straight and steady, focusing on words and sentences, and diminished any motivation I may have to do anything but lay down.  It honestly feels like I have weights attached to my head, pulling down at all times, while pressure is shooting up my neck. I think that if I could have something hold my head up for me, I would feel better.  It is just so incredibly heavy that I can't concentrate on anything except putting my head against something supportive, like my pillow.  It's almost like the back of my neck is about to bust from the pressure, and NOTHING takes this away.

The pain travels down my neck to the area where my bra strap is and radiates down and around my shoulder blades.  This is every single day, all day, all week, all month... with no relief. I have spent so so many months acting like everything is ok and I've told those who asked that I am doing better, and thanks for asking and things are great now. Well, honestly, I am totally lying to you and I just can't pretend anymore. I honestly don't have the energy to act like I am the same person anymore, because it exhausts what energy I do have. I guess it's pride, but I feel like everyone feels like I had potential to do something with my life, but that I ended up being a disappointment. Trust me, each morning when I scream out loud when I have to straighten my arms out and my elbow joints burn with stiffness down my arm... I feel the disappointment too,

The thing is, I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I don't even want people to pray for me to be magically healed, and for God to take the disease away from me.  Ok, well that is sort of a lie.  You can pray that God will take this specific neck and head pain  away if you want to, because to date this is the only pain I can't function with.  Other than that, I don't mind having Multiple Sclerosis, because it could be so much worse, and I have met some pretty awesome people as a result of this journey.  One of my best friends, Dawna, introduced me to her mother in law, Bonnie, before I ever even knew what Multiple Sclerosis was. When I first went to the Emergency Room and started seeing neurologists, I contacted Mrs. Bonnie, who also has Multiple Sclerosis and that turned out to be the smartest decision I have made yet. She not only connected me with my current AWESOME neurologist, Dr. Christopher LaGanke, but she also has walked me through the major turning points.

Although I kind of "knew" before I saw Dr. Laganke, I will never forget the night I got the call that I do have the indicative lesions on my brain.  I was driving home, and when I parked my car, I got out and called Mrs. Bonnie to tell her the results we had been waiting for. I was overcome with... relief! I was so excited after the LONG process of tests and being told that I was totally fine that they had finally found Lesions on my brain! Finally!!.... Um no. I was completely dilusional, partly because I was naive and partly because my symptoms were so minor compared to now. The testing was just getting started and I hadn't even bought my ticket on the MS Journey Train.  I remember standing in the pouring rain outside my house, and she told me that the results and diagnosis has not hit me yet, not really, but when it did, I could call her, because I would be devastated. I didn't understand what she was talking about until many weeks later when I had to miss a trip that was so very important to me but I was sick, I didn't understand until that day when I was sobbing uncontrollably on the couch with disappointment not only from having missed the trip, but with realization that this was who I was now... and I was not ready. I suddenly realized I was different, and it was so devastating.

Mrs. Bonnie had told me the good, the bad, and the...funny stuff. Just like anything else, you must have humor in the situation. For example, Scott, who is 16 years older than me, is now going to be able to grow old with me. What I mean is, before I was sick, when I imagined us 20 years from now, I pictured me at the top of a big water slide, motioning for him to  run up the 30 flights of stairs to slide too, while he waves No from below, nestled underneath an umbrella, his knees sore like everyone else his age while I had to slide alone all day. Wierd, I know, but It's true. Now I laugh, because we both get to grow old together, even if my appearance doesn't age as fast, my body still will, maybe more rapidly than his.Only now I tell him he will be old and senile and I'll at least look young. ha.

Scott hated the word "Caregiver" in the beginning, because he said he will be my husband, not my caregiver, because it's implied.  We quickly realized he was my caregiver and my husband, and those roles are two entirely different positions.  He has to take care of me and make sure I get in bed after I get too sleepy to function, and he makes the doctor's office and pharmacy calls, because I know he can remember to relate all of the information and not get confused.  But, he also is my husband, and he had to learn how to balance those two roles, because when they co-mingle...  I get stubborn. And stubborn and multiple sclerosis does not equal safety.

Back to Mrs. Bonnie for a sec:  She may be a little tiny lady, no more than 100 pounds soaking wet, but I know now that she is one tough lady.  She didn't shield me from the truth, and although it's hard to hear, that was so comforting in the long run.  She gives me someone to refer to. What I mean is, when I get a new symptom or get in a tough situation, I think, "I wonder if Mrs. Bonnie had to go through this... and that's comforting, because she's skill going strong.  One thing most people do not realize is that while Multiple Sclerosis is a disease many have heard of, a lot of people do not know all of the symptoms or what the disease does to your body. I definitely did not when this started.  I believe if more people truly knew some of the symptoms, they could be more helpful and understanding.  Unfortunately, Multiple Sclerosis is best described as a "Big disease composed of multiple little diseases and illnesses."  And each person has a different journey and a different symptom tracker, usually different with each new day. It's unpredictable, much like my personality, which I find to be ironic. So, just because you know somone who has MS and they are doing great and you hardly know, that really doesn't help. That kind of implies that because they are handling it so great that I should too, like I must be doing something wrong, because I'm not doing as well as they are. But the truth is, they may have a totally different kind of MS with a different rate of progression.

Often people ask me how I deal with the disease and it is best described like this:  Every day when I drive home from work, I pass a sign in Shorter, Alabama that makes me think about the disease.  I'm not sure why this sign does it, but I think it's because that sign just happens to be about in the spot where I get really sleepy on my way home every day, also a symptom. Anyway, when I see this sign, I often think the same thought:  I am so thankful that God chose to give me this disease instead of any one of my friends or family.  I know the horrible pain that I live in each day. I know what it takes to make myself get out of bed even when it hurts. But I also know that I CAN handle it no matter what. I know that, because I AM! On the contrary, I can't imagine having to watch any of them have to suffer with his day in and day out. Honestly, I probably wouldn't have had very much patience to help before now, and I can admit that. I have always known that I have an extremely high pain tolerance (as long as I'm not bleeding or I don't get a paper cut... ha), but even with a high pain tolerance, I am still in the floor at home sometimes, trying to find anything to take the throbbing away. I can't imagine if I had to watch them like that and know that I couldn't help. Because honestly, nothing except patience, understanding and an ear to listen will make this situation better... and maybe a prayer or two.  But, when you pray, don't pray that I magically be healed. Pray that I continue to accept this hand that I have been dealt. Pray that I will use this to help others as I have been helped. Pray that I continue to make good decisions regarding my health and that I have the strength to fight this every day for the rest of my life... because honesty, that thought right there makes me want to talk a nap all over again.

I know that I can do this. Do I want to do this?  Um...no, not at all. But I'm a firm believe that everything happens for a reason, and someone out there will be touched by this, and I can't lose sight of that. Scott says that I'm too proud and I need to let people help me, and maybe he is right. It's hard though, because I have gotten so good at acting normal and falling apart when I come home at night so no one will think I'm different.  Mrs Bonnie told me not to shut people out and to let them help me, and I remember thinking, "I have nothing to be ashamed of and I wouldn't shut anyone out!" Guess what? I didn't tell more than like 5 people for over NINE months! I did just that, shut everyone out and didn't let anyone help me. But a hospital stay in February for what may or may not have been a mini-stroke (TIA) and my name making it on the church prayer list changed that overnight, and suddenly everyone knew...and you know what... I felt the first blow of relief. (The second blow came when I got to ride the handicapped elevator in Los Angeles after walking 10 blocks...ha Little tiny blue wheelchair inside the blue circle... you were my savior!)

Last but not least, I am currently faced with a really difficult decision. A speedy decision. Sometimes effects from Multiple Sclerosis can be helped for a long period of time, even improved. But, like I said, each case is different.  I do not know exactly what is causing my head and neck pain, but the horrible pain is finally at the point where I can't function properly and work 40 hours a week like I have been.  I filed for FMLA, just in case, a few months ago, so I have 3 months of unpaid leave if I need it.
Bottom line:  While my heart is broken and our bank account has been depleted with medical bills and unbelievable monthly prescription costs, I am facing the decision of whether or not I should resign from my job while I still have a relatively clean file. I'm considering taking FMLA leave per my doctors request to have the time to discuss treatments, explore options, see if working everyday is straining my body still even with easier work, to see if we can afford for me not to work at all, and the list goes on.  From the time this started, I really haven't taken the time to come to terms with anything, and in the meantime my health has rapidly deteorated and I have to be able to accept that or at least know if I can reverse any of the symptoms, and I do not think I can do that if I am working everyday right now or if I am paranoid that I am going to make a mistake at work that will really cost me my job. FMLA leave will hold my job for three months max, so if in that time I can try new options and things impove then I go back, nothing lost. If nothing changes and I still can't work effectively, then we know we tried. But I can't be accountable for evidence if I don't trust my own abilities, much less expect my boss to. I have never made a mistake with the actual evidence, and this is my way of ensuring that never happens. The scary thing is that I'm only 24. What am I going to be like in 30 years?

I just do not know what to do for sure.  I have to talk with my doctor tomorrow and also with Scott tomorrow night.  We will make our decision after we explore all routes and then I meet with my boss Friday morning to let her know.  All I know is this: I love my job. I am in extreme pain. We definitely NEED the money as it is, much less without my salary. But, I also need to help myself get well and focus on me right now. I want to do what is best for my family.

So, please say a prayer that we make the right decision.  If you have any suggestions, please pass them on to us, because we are open to anything. Oh, and THANK YOU everyone for thinking and praying about as we travel down this warped little journey.... Sometimes you just have to laugh when it hurts this bad. Then you realize that this is a disease that progresses... meaning, yes, it really does get worse in this situation. That very fact is the thing that makes me relish each day, no matter how painful it is. I feel like I can't take off work today for the worry that what if it is worse tomorrow?  What would I do if I thought this was the worst pain imaginable? Tomorrow, when it hurts a little more, I wouldn't be able to handle it. ButI know I can, because I do. Well,WE do.  In a way, Scott was diagnosed with this little fate along with me. And, even when he's being a butthead and making me get up when I'm sleepy by yanking the covers off or even when he gets cranky when I'm already feeling sorry or myself, I know that God sent him to me for a reason. I rely on him to let me lean on him in so many ways... even on the Subway Handicapped elevator in Los Angeles at 10 p.m. on our Honeymoon. He never looks up and sees me limping, because he's already walking right beside me, holding my hand. 

Sometimes I look up at him quickly to try to catch a glimpse of embarrassment on his face when I am having a flare-up in public and my walking is slow... Instead, I usually get a wink and a smile and a quick simple kiss on the tip of my nose. I don't think I would trade this if I could, because the one hard simple disease that has forced me to rely on another person has taught me how to truly love someone for how they treat others... mainly for how he treats me.  I know I love him more than anything, but most importantly, I know he loves me just the same, sick or not.  I know this because he tells me all the time.