A Change In My Life and Blogging Style

Until now, I usually write my blogs by writing what comes to my mind when I have my blog entry page pulled up. As a result, most of my blogs are random and stray quite a bit from the topic I originally held in my head when I started writing that entry. I've been surprised by how many readers I've gathered over the past year, and I hope the numbers continue to climb as I write from my heart. You need to know the true life this crazy girl lives... even if it's crazy in my own way!

When the new year started a few months ago, I wrote about how I was ready to have a new start. I wanted to make changes to how I was living, taking care of myself, taking care of my family, my job as a wife, and just my outlook on life in general. I was ready to have my old self back and regain some form of dependability again. Fortunately, I can say that I have almost done a complete 180 and I have really stuck to my goal to change. As a result, I'm learning new ways to adapt to MS and I'm also regaining control over my life. After pretty much living in a deep and devastating depression for almost one whole year, I'm thankful to say that I'm climbing out of that hole now. And it is so relieving!

Well, now Spring has almost Sprung, it's time for the famous "Spring Cleaning!" This year, I want to continue my "New Start" plan and incorporate this outlook into my Spring Cleaning. I guess you could call it Personal Cleaning instead of physical cleaning, although I do plan on actually putting a mega cleaning spree on my house as well.

The first goal for my personal spring cleaning is to continue to work toward more organization in my life. I've worked my butt off to get my house more organized as we moved, and I've tried to keep everything mostly in place everyday. This may seem like a tiny step, but when you let everything go for almost an entire year, it is really difficult to try to regain control and set new standards. Now I want to gain a better control over my Make Up and Mud Boutique shop.

Better control as in more organized records, inventory, faster shipping, consistent schedule, etc. I want to set goals for my shop and make myself stick to them. I know that I can work even harder to build a better client list, and I can accurately track my progress. As with any start for any goal or project, the beginning is hard because you don't see immediate progress. But if I have everything in line for 6 months, it would be much easier to track inventory and plan for holidays like the Christmas rush. So, being more organized with Make Up and Mud Boutique is on my list as well.

Last goal: more structured blogging. You know those bloggers that consistently post on their blogs, and you can count on their posts to be there by following their blog schedule. Yeah, I want to be one of those bloggers. I'm still trying to make my blog schedule, and I want my writing style to have a certain flexibility, so it's taking me a while to get it all straight. I don't want to have a blog schedule for a month, because I want to have posts about things that happen in the here and now, not the there and then. One thing... my life will be more structured, therefore my blog will be more structured.

I have a new blog notebook to help me keep up with my blog planning, and I'm excited to start that new journey. I always have the craziest thoughts and ideas, and I'll think, "That would be awesome to blog about!" and then I completely forget what I was even thinking about. Well, that's happened to me one too many times, and I now have a little notebook for jotting down ideas and notes. Then of course, they will go straight to you.

Beware... my random thoughts are crazy. They are unpredictable. But... they are honest. And I guess I'm at a point in my life where honestly is the most freeing quality in my life, even if it is on the web for all to see. There is something relieving about getting things off your chest, even if you do have anxiety right when you click the Publish button. In the end, it's worth it. So, stay tuned. Mrs. Organized is working her way toward productivity and as time passes, you'll see a change as well! Maybe someone will learn from my mistakes!

The Real TRUTH About How I Feel

You want the truth about how I really feel about this awful disease? Well here is the honest truth:

One thing I struggle with is accepting this fate: Multiple Sclerosis. For the most part, it appears to be going well, but I have nights, like last night that come out of no where where I fall apart. I lost everything in less than a year, my job, my friends, my Multiple sclerosis mentor and dear friend that died unexpectedly, my future, and all of my plans... they were all taken within a year. So, without even realizing it, I pushed away everything that I REALLY wanted, because it was like I unconsciously thought that if I didn't really want it anymore, then it wouldn't be taken from me, but if I wanted it, like I wanted my job, then it would be taken. 

But you don't have these thought processes and realize it, until that night when you put two and two together, OR when your husband does. He's right... When Bonnie died, it absolutely killed me, because she was not only one of my best friends, but she was the only person I confided in, because she had MS. If I told her about something that happened or something I felt, she had been through it too. So we formed a bond that couldn't be shaken... unless one of us died. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of her, and I can still cry at the drop of a hat. They say over time that it gets easier, but it hasn't yet. I can't even really think about her without falling apart.

Things with Scott and I are good, but I've selfishly kept him at an arms length away. It's like dying... for almost a year, I've been ok with it. If I were to have not woke up the next morning, I've told myself over and over that I would be ok with it, almost to convince myself. But the truth is, I WANT to be ok. I want to beat this. But what if I really try to fight it as hard as I can and then I find out that there's nothing that I can do and it's going to kill me? Something is a lot easier to take if you convince yourself that it's what you wanted in the first place. It's confusing, but you may understand. 

The worst symptom about this is my inability to manage my moods and my emotions. My doctor said that it is an effect of my lesions, but the depression has been awful over the past year. And I never hid it from my family or Scott or my best friends... I was taking an anti-depressant that I had a really bad reaction to that almost made me hallucinate, and I took it for months. I would cry all day every day and just almost watch myself from somewhere else. It was the worst thing I have ever been through in my life. I was diagnosed as being bipolar, but I wouldn't accept it, so I ignored the doctor and quit the meds cold turkey. After the effects wore off, I allowed my body to go back to normal for a few weeks. I wasn't bipolar anymore... it was the other meds! So, I started a different anti-depressant, and it works pretty well for the most part! If I had accepted the bipolar meds and taken them, I would be on another medicine that I don't need, and my doctor agreed. It's just trial and error. 

I think that once I accept this fate, then I will work on rebuilding. But I can't accept it overnight, or even in one year. I'm still in denial about it, and I hate it everyday and I want to go back in time. I used to be so responsible  in control, and I feel like I lost my entire identity and now I'm trying to find the other me. And I don't want to. As soon as I'm able to get out of this funk and start rebuilding my life, I will start my new chapter. Until then... it's day by day.

BEST book ever!

My Plan for the New Year... Or Plan(s)

Well the new year is rapidly approaching... Act Surprised.  I'm sorry, haha, but I just had to write that last sarcastic line, because the sentence before it is one of those "Duh! No, Really?" lines. 

• I'm not sure if you have noticed before now, but I try to write to you like I would if I were actually talking to you. Therefore, I really try hard not to erase the stupid lines or sentences that I might not have thought through all the way. Why? Because if I was actually talking to you in person, I would have actually said the sentence without thinking. Does this make sense to anyone? Bottom Line: This is me. These words are mine. I admit that I can speak before I think, or in this case, write before I think. And I'm not erasing it just to make myself look like I'm totally together all the time. Cause I'm not. Hardly ever.  

On to our BIG topic today: Do you have any great new years resolutions? Yes, I'm sure there are the usual resolutions like:

• I'm going to lose 50 pounds this year.
• I'm going to join a gym and go 5 days a week. (DON'T sign a contract!)
• I'm going to pay off my credit card debt.
• I'm going to floss twice a day

Ok, well maybe that last one has never crossed your "Resolution List," but hey, you never know. For some anti-flossers, that may be a BIG commitment.

Anyway, I've a confession... (bahaha... that made me laugh out loud, because while I meant to write "I Have" a confession, the way I wrote it sounds kind of Foreign 1920's with an accent if you say it out loud... I've a confession... lol.)

Let's try that again: I HAVE a mildly shocking confession...

Ive NEVER had a New Years Resolution before.

I say "mildly shocking," because I'm only 24, so what serious thing could I have resolved to do in my life before now... make good grades? That would be a... sometimes.

This year, I'm going to be making my first New Years Resolution, and it's a little tricky to say the least. Remember my past ADD blog entry? (If you don't, click Past ADD Blog Entry. )
Well, I haven't yet mastered the art of narrowing down my lists yet, so my New Years Resolution is actually a Master List with many other Major Resolution List topics that also have Mini Resolutions below them. Remember this:

New Years Resolution
      1.Major Topic
              1a. Mini Topic
              1b. Mini Topic
      2. Major Topic
              2a. Mini Topic
              2b. Mini Topic

Get my drift? I think the main problem stems from one main issue: I want 2012 to be SO different from what 2011 was for me. This past 2011 year was full of ups and downs, with MANY more down days than up days, and I want 2012 to be the complete opposite. I desperately want 2012 to be a wonderful year, full of so many ups that I can't even remember what it feels like to be down.

If you have followed any of my past posts, you know that I have struggled with gaining control over my Multiple Sclerosis this past year, and I was largely unsuccessful most of the time. Thankfully, God has allowed me to kind of wrap up the 2011 year with a little more closure and control than I've had all year. As a result of such a crazy rollercoaster of a year and the effects of the placement of my brain lesions, I've also struggled with depression almost consistenly for the entire year.

Many people who have never been exposed or dealt with depression don't realize how difficult it is to find the perfect medication for depression or what happens if you have a bout with a medication that seems to do more harm than good.

Now imagine this:

Imagine trying to make all of these medications work successfully together EVERY DAY, all the while trying not to lose your mind:

• Anti-Depressant
• Muscle Relaxer
• Migraine Medication
• Interstitial Cystitis Medication
• Hypersomnia Medication (to stay awake)
• Brain/Nerve Conduct Medication (like anti-seizure)
• ADD Medication (to channel the Hypersomnia medication effects)
• Medication for random pain management
• Heat/cooling therapy
• The list goes on

See what I mean? Try making all of those work together every single day. It takes time, and for me that time was most of 2011. And the thing about MS is that the symptoms are constantly changing, so what medication works this month may not work next month if anything changes. What does that mean? It means II better pray long and hard that there are no side effects from the new introduction of new medicine or withdrawal from the ceasing to take the old medicine.

The #1 KEY to taking all of this every day is MANAGEMENT, MANAGEMENT, MANAGEMENT. Strictly documenting everything, so that if I have some adverse effect, I can help to narrow down which one is causing it. And by adverse effect I mean nausea, fatique, grogginess, dizziness... I have to be able to function as well as possible, and I've had to build up a decent tolerance to each drug. And I have to responsibly monitor each medication to ensure that the tolerance stays at the right place, making TIME MANAGEMENT crucial.

Needless to say, I've spent the better part of 2011 being poked, prodded, tested, watched, and monitored. And thankfully, God is making everything come together just in time for the New Year... now do you soo why it's so important for me to get off on the right foot?

First things first: When you're struggling to climb out of a hole of depression, you can easily sink back further down before you realize it. I REFUSE to do that, so I am starting a crazy little thing for myself called: The Good Day Project. See, I am so scheduled in my own weird way that I can almost trick myself into following my own rules (yes, I know it's strange). In 2011, 15 out of 20 days were just low low low and I honestly had a hard time finding reasons to make them any higher.

2012 Solution: The Good Day Project
I have one of those little mini planner/calenders and I have already filled it up with so much inspiration! There are certain days each month that are designated to be GOOD DAYS, no matter WHAT HHAPPENS that day. So what does this mean? One of my problems stems from feeling overwhelmed a LOT of the time. I never used to get overwhelmed, but that's one of the biggest personality changes for me now, because the slightest change in plans can make me panic. On the designated GOOD DAYS, when I feel overwhelmed all I have to do is remind myself that I promised myself that I would have a good day that day, and if I let me down, what will all of the rest of the GOOD DAYS in the year mean?

Sounds simple, but to someone who's actively trying to make a normal life again, this is a BIG deal. The point is to start out with a few good days a month and gradually, as the year passes, I want to start to have more GOOD DAYS than bad until, at the end of the year, I have almost nothing but AWESOME DAYS. I know no one has good days every single say, so I'm planning for that. But the 2012 year will be a year of "Finding the new me, figuring out who I really am now, being normal again. I will never be the old Chelsea, and I can't go back in time. But I want to learn who I am now. And yes, brain lesions are brain trauma, which do cause personality changes. While I still have the same values and love, my interests, talents, needs, and wants have changed drastically.

  Now, I obviously don't want to be too optimistic so I'm starting out in January for one designated GOOD DAY each week. All of the other good days that run my way are bonus days. February, I start with two GOOD DAYS a week, and March goes to three and so on. The weird thing is, I found myself making little "rules" about which days could be designated as GOOD DAYS...

For example, Holidays don't count, because those are already good days in my book, because I get to spend time with people I love. Close friends and family member's birthdays don't count, because they're a given that they're going to be good, because I'm going to be trying to make that day special for them. Weekends don't count, because I'm also with people I love. Do you see the trend I made for myself, even though I didn't realize it at the time. My designated GOOD DAYS were only the days that I would be spending alone. And there lies my problem. Solution?

On the GOOD DAYS, I plan to do more than just make it "good." I plan to spend about an hour or two doing something that makes me happy that day, something that relaxes me that has nothing to do with stress. For me, it may be making a scrapbook page, painting, making jewelry, or even writing in my blog. I promise to keep you updated! When I realized that the GOOD DAYS were days that I was alone, I realized that I was starting something a little more important than just having a good day... I was starting a little project to spend some time on myself. I was starting an actual project for one year that I really want to finish. To me, it's more than just having a GOOD DAY... it's finding out what makes me happy again. I can't wait for the new year to begin! 
 

Accepting the Inevitable Changes

Well, lately I haven't been able to write in my blog, mail out orders, or really do much of anything. And by lately I mean almost three weeks... that may not sound like much, but imagine getting on a loopy roller coaster three times an hour everyday for three whole weeks. That's the only way to describe what it feels like to have crazy lesions in your brain that are completely unpredictable.

I did happen to run across a new blog, and it has some pretty interesting info. about brain lesions, their affects, and tests conducted (just in case you're in the mood to read). The link is below:

Social Neuroscience Info Blog Link

Ok... back to my own pity party...

When I first felt a little sick, I started out with a couple million sneezes and within a few hours the symptoms were pretty much was resembling the flu virus. I had a bit of fever, but the main symptom was nausea. Let's just say that Phenergan was my best friend that first week.

One day, I laid in the bed all day with the entire room completely spinning, and when I closed my eyes or tried to talk around, the room would spin even more. That was awful. I would force myself to close my eyes, hour after hour, and think about anything soothing that could possibly help me fall asleep. My body and mind were both so exhausted, but the spinning in my head made sleeping virtually impossible. I would fall asleep for 20 minutes, wake up for an hour. Fall asleep for 20 minutes, wake up for an hour. All. Night. Long. for several days days.

Then Scott suggested I try Phenergan for the nausea, and under normal circumstances I would refuse this medicine (I think you know why), which explains why I had a whole prescription from an old doctor's visit still sitting in the refrigerator.  The only thing I could remember was that is was supposed to be used for was nausea, and it would make me really sleepy. PERFECT! About 15 minutes later, I was so sleepy that when Scott was fighting me to wake up and take my medicine, and I was completely out of it. The relief was wonderful. For a little while, anyway.

Then, just when it seemed that the sneezes were going away at the end of that week, and I was clearing up, BAM... I got a fever. When I'm about to have some serious MS issues, I unconsciously tend to favor my left arm and hold my hand a weird way without even realizing it. Which is exactly what came next.

When I did notice that I was favoring my left arm, I knew that I was about to go downhill in the next day or so. Being exhausted from the week-long flu-like symptoms was hard, but I received a new sleep "stay awake" medicine on Thursday, so I figured it would give me the energy to help ward the symptoms off... wrong.

What I didn't realize is fever, even a 1 degree change, aggravates any existing brain lesions, even the ones that don't usually cause major trouble. In other words, the brain lesions are haywire for a while, until the fever is gone at least. And the funny thing about brain lesions is that they are completely unpredictable, and they cause the weirdest symptoms, many dealing with personality and cognitive functions.

See, I have the ability to see this from two angles of understanding:  I lived 23 years just like you, and my main objective was to wake up, make it to work on time, wash the clothes, hang out with friends and family etc, just everyday ins and outs. Sure I got a cold or the flu once a year and whined for a week or so, but then I was back to normal.  I understand "life" from this position, and I know how fast the train of life whizzes by. I have to admit that if I had never had this experience and one of my friends was going through this mess, I probably wouldn't have been patient enough to try to understand. I know this, because more often than not, I'm too impatient enough with myself to try to understand me and what is best for me.

The other angle or position that I understand is the one I'm sitting in right now. That old "Train of Life" is still whizzing by, but I'm no longer one of the passengers. But the reason I say the "Train" of Life, is because for the most part, trains always come back around sooner or later, giving everyone another opportunity to grab on and try to pull yourself up again. There may be a different train and the passengers may have changed, but that's all part of the big plan God has for us. And there is the inevitable, "Kick me when I'm down" that seems to linger everywhere. Eventually, if you keep pushing and pushing on, no matter what setbacks you have, you will eventually make it up on that train before it passes by.

(If I were to keep using the Train of Life analysis to let you know where I am right now, this is what it would be...And yes, I am completely making this up as I go. It's the only way I can explain it!):

Step One: Riding the train (normal life)
Step Two: Falling off the Train (first symptoms)
Step Three: The Train is invisible (diagnosis process)
Step Four: I can hear the Train but I can't see it (Finding peace)
Step Five: I see the train, but it's going WAY too fast to catch up to it (Regaining Strength mentally/physically)
Step Six: I catch up to the train, jump and leap up, but can't quite make it all the way up in the car before I fall back and have to start over. (Learning to Adapt with new limitations for YOU)
Step Seven: After months of persistent jumping, I make it inside the train car, but everything is confusing and unfamiliar. (Learning to make your limitations work with what society expects of you.)
Step Eight: Riding the Train, catching up with everything that is familiar from the past. (Blending into where you first began. Starting to drive more, a little less isolation, rebuilding relationships and finding the new you)
Step Nine: Misjudging balance and distance, and not only do you fall completely out of train, but you fall on a totally different side than you were on the first time. Nothing is familiar, and you don't know where to start over.

This is what I call the Sudden Crash, which is what can happen in a matter of hours, like from a slight fever. It's struggling to regain your strength and making a little bit of ground, only to have to start over from the beginning. It's literally like learning to do normal functions again, because your body just decided it doesn't want to cooperate. And there's no magic medicine or magic pill that will make it better, because no two patients are exactly the same, no two brains are the same, and the symptoms of brain lesions change day to day for each person and then multiply that  over a lot of people, and you will have a million different symptoms that are completely unpredictable and mostly uncooperative.

It's just weird to me, and maybe a little more frustrating than anything. People want me to explain it to them, explain how I feel, why I've changed, what is going on, and I haven't even begun to understand it myself. I've read book after book not only about Multiple Sclerosis, but also about the processes of mentally dealing with any chronic diagnosis.

I know that the first two years are usually the most rocky for the emotional part, and couple that with a disease that scrambles your emotions randomly and you basically have a big ball of crazy sometimes. haha.. I don't think my husband would deny that. While I've been going through the acceptance/diagnosis process, I have found that Hindsight is indeed 20/20 and I don't like that. That means I usually end up hurting me AND others around me while I struggle to find the antidote for my own sanity, acceptance, and most of all, the loneliness of being different. That is overwhelming in itself, because it often feels like there is an expectation of me that I cannot fulfill. I hate to think that I'm letting those closest to me down, but I cannot control this disease any more than the doctor can.

And the biggest curse of all... it's invisible to you. There is nothing that I can do to let you into my skull to really feel the pressure and pain that is inside my neck and my head each day.  I can't make you feel how it feels to be in a constant foggy cloud, or what it feels like to have someone speaking to you and no matter how many times they repeat it, their words just aren't making sense.

I just have to keep pushing on, praying every day, and asking God to give me the strength to keep trying to find relief and to give others patience as well. See, there is nothing I can do to rush the medicines, to find a solution, etc, and my only option is to wake up every day and try again. Try a new medicine to see if it will relieve the pressure in the back of my skull. Try to get out of the house more, and actually interact with other people. I'm doing the best that I can, and that's all I need to know. It's all I can know.

I miss my family and my friends, but I refuse to drive unless I feel completely comfortable with it that day. I don't leave the house much, so when I do leave the house for a day, it's sometimes overwhelming to all of my senses. Processing the sounds and lights and stimuli can be a little exhausting if you aren't used to it. I think one of my biggest issues is definitely what I said earlier, letting people down and disappointing them. It's easy for you to hop in the car for a two hour visit, but it's not easy for me to do that right now. I haven't driven to Montgomery in almost an entire month, and I can't tell you the last time I was in Prattville.

The hard part is that it always seems to feel like it's my fault, like I chose to not drive or like I'm choosing to be sick. Trust me, if I could make this go away and work 40 hours a week with no pain, I would. I didn't want to be in this situation. I didn't want to change my entire life for something so drastic.  Everyone is always like, "We never see you" and "You should come over and visit sometime" and while I am indeed thankful for the invitation, there is so much guilt from that and there is a responsibility on me to make it better. It's like it's my responsibility to see them more often or just magically make the symptoms disappear that one day.

Over the course of the last year or so, I've learned one thing that is essential to my own well-being:

First and foremost, I have to take care of ME. I am the one who has to wake up in the morning and deal with the symptoms. I am the one who has to deal with the bad episodes. And when it comes down to the person who has to hold the weight of this, that person is ME.

I've realized that I can't please everyone, but also that I can't let that bother me all the time. I have a journey to travel, and over the course of that journey, I have faith that I will find new and improved ways to adapt and slowly mingle back into a little more normal life again. I don't think things will be this bad forever, and I truly feel that my health will improve as I learn how to adapt to my limitations. My ability to be flexible will improve, and things will look up. I just hate how lonely the journey is along the way though. Where there used to be close knit relationships, there is now a communication gap and thinned patience by others.


I've opened up a lot in past blog posts, and that's tough to do, exposing yourself to the world. When I get e-mails, comments, or messages about what I've been going through or how someone is praying for me, it gets a little easier to press the "publish" button to share my life. First and foremost, I'm never asking for people to feel sorry for me. I guess I'm asking for time... more time. Time to adjust and learn how to adapt to this. Time to figure out how to rebuild my new life. Time without feeling guilty. I think the mental guilt is the most crippling part of this for me, because people used to expect things from me, expect me to be something, to make something of my life, and to be something special.

But when I tell people what's going on, and you can see the pained expression come across their face, it's almost like there's an invisible banner that says, "That's too bad... she had such potential."  

(This just crossed my mind, and it's so true)
Instead of accepting this disease and trying to learn how to adapt to my limitations, everyone just seems to be sitting around, going on with their lives, just waiting for the old Chelsea to come back. Waiting for the day when I'm back to normal. This is the most true example of all. And it's the one thing that will never happen. Everyone keeps saying, when you feel better we can do this. When you feel better, we can do that. Are some things going to get better? Yes... But as long as you are sitting back waiting for the old Chelsea to come back, you're just wasting your time and widening the gap.

(When I say "Everyone", I don't literally mean everyone around me. Though it may feel that way sometimes, I do have wonderful people that support me endlessly!)

It's just really hard, because I am forced to adapt to what has happened to me. I don't have a choice. But what do you do when everyone around you isn't interested in accepting what's going on? Acceptance is a blessing, but avoidance will kill your spirit. Trust me, I know.

On the other hand, God has given me special friends and family that seem to be there at just the right moment! For them, I am so very thankful.

Add caption

All in all, I am still Chelsea. My heart is still the same, and I still have the same desires, goals, etc. I'm learning every day to adapt, and I pray that when I find where I'm supposed to be, that God will put the right people there at the right time! So far, He always answers at the right moment in His time. Frustrating, yes. But to have a God that you KNOW will follow through in the end... that's a huge relief!

The Videos of Life... Enjoy!

Over the past day or so, I have shared with you the struggle I have been facing lately with Mrs. Bonnie. I've told you the good, the bad, and the sad. Today as I have sat here thinking about the words in my other posts, second guessing if I should have been so honest, I decided to send in a final entry today with more of an explanation through the songs of others. A final "Feeling Sorry For Myself" entry, so maybe you will truly get what she brought to my life. I have saved video after video and watch them over and over, each one reminding me of Mrs. Bonnie in some way. I am going to share them with you now...  Enjoy!

The first video is "Journey On" by Ty Herndon, featuring Kevin Turner. Mrs. Bonnie LOVED this song. As the preacher stated in her eulogy, she thought this song was written just for her. When we talked on the phone, she would tell me that whenever I had a really bad day and I felt like I just couldn't go on, listen to this song as I watch Kevin Turner in the video. This song was written for anyone who struggles, and I also claim this song as well... It hits home.  (This song was the last song played at her funeral and it covers me in chills each time I hear it.)

 Kevin Turner, who played eight seasons in the NFL for the New England Patriots and Philadelphia Eagles, has Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, otherwise known as ALS. Kevin and I both started this journey in the same month, May 2010, so he holds a precious place in my heart as well. Hearing his story and watching this video makes me thankful that God chose MS for me, because I don't know if I would be as strong as Kevin is.

But you know what? Think about my story and how I may appear to be so strong and tough at times, just as Kevin does, and remember that his dark nights are even darker than you could ever realize. The pain in his heart from his world being turned upside down must weigh heavier than we will ever know. Even if you haven't had the pleasure of meeting Kevin or especially if you have, head on over to his website by clicking the link below and send him a little message that he will be able to read that will brighten his day just a bit.

http://kevinturnerfoundation.org/

 You never know, today could be one of those hard days for him too. I know from my own experience that knowing someone took a few seconds to send you a few words of encouragement will mean the world to him! Also, please put him front and center in your prayers, because that's always number one!  When you are diagnosed with a disease and the doctor looks at you and says, "We don't know how your disease will progress, because it is different with everyone. You may or may not be in a wheelchair, but we can't predict that. We just have to wait and see." When you hear this, there is something that comes alive inside you, a desire to fight. Now you often fight yourself, but you also learn to fight hard against this invisible demon... We are all fighters. I hope this video pulls at your heart... then listen to what it tells you. This is powerful. (Don't forget to come back and watch the other videos!

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HUYF8wFchI&ob=av2n

The second song is by Whitney Houston and the song is called "I Look To You."  I will never forget the first time I heard this song, because I thought her voice was so powerful and smooth, and I couldn't help but stop what I was doing and listen to every sound. I think this is a very beautiful song, and this was how I felt about Mrs. Bonnie... Now, This is my song with God. Losing Mrs. Bonnie has forced me to LOOK TO GOD for guidance. This song gives me chills every time I hear it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Pze_mdbOK8&ob=av3e

The next song is so so special to me for one special reason... You know when you get married and you say the "I Do" part? As in the usual, "I Do" promise to love you through sickness and in health til death do us part? Well, when my special husband said his "I Do," he also silently said every single word in this next song. He continues to say it through his actions each day as he walks in from work, just by going through this tiring journey with me.  Several times, Mrs. Bonnie told me that her husband, Mr. Donald, did the same for her. Her exact words were, "When my husband said "In sickness and in health." boy he sure meant those words, and he's been right by my side from day one!"  If that doesn't tell you how much she appreciated and loved him, and also how incredibly much he loves her, I don't know what will. Now you can hear those words...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4fqPcnuVPR8&ob=av2n


And for the final song, a little bit more upbeat. I have told you several times that Mrs. Bonnie was a little bitty lady with a powerful presence. When I was a whiny baby to her, wimpering about how bad I felt, she gave me all she had. She gave me her support, her love, and her own personal story with MS. What she did NOT give me was Pity, nor did I ask that of her. She was the one who told me that I better get to living now, while I still can use the health I do have. This is probably the song that reminds me of her the most, and the most listened to song of mine. This song encourages me, and I cannot even tell you how "Mrs. Bonnie" this song is...  Every bit of advice in this song passed through her lips at least once during our long conversations!  She's STILL telling me this advice everyday in the words she left me with~! This is the song that keeps me going and I love it!!  Pay attention to the second verse... It is the most accurate.   ENJOY!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2PZNth9UUOk

Now with an ending as positive as that, I'm gonna get to living now... First things first: Unloading the Dishwasher. Ugh.
Until Our Next Therapy Time...

Cleaning House: A Godly Twist

Hello again.. I know, I know.. last night's post was a little rough. Well, last night WAS another rough night. The only thing that sets it apart from other nights is the fact that I finally told you about them. My low nights are few and far between, but they still are there, and they still hit me like a ton of bricks.

As usual, the morning comes and I get yet another new start. I think this morning makes like my 200th new start morning, but one of these days, it will stick! After Mrs. Bonnie's funeral, I didn't drive anywhere for almost 2 whole weeks. I didn't realize that I was hovering around the house, but I did. I've tried to slowly venture out of the house again, and I catch myself finding reasons not to leave the house, even after I get ready. I actually cut my hair, because I knew that couldn't be a reason for me to not get ready. Instead of my hair taking an hour, it takes about 15 minutes, and I LOVE it!  The smallest things like that make the day a little better.

Some great close friends of ours, Lee and Gena Anderson drove all the way to Tallassee to take Scott and I out to dinner not too long ago. It was my first time out of the house, and they will never know how much that night meant to me. They actually drove all the way here, just to see us. Lee and Gena have been here from the very beginning, and I love them so much. Lee just "gets" me, maybe because I'm so much like him, even though I think he would beg to differ. He's extremely set in his ways and his manner is often abrasive... but I found his heart hidden inside him. And he has a HUGE giving heart, and he's not the kind of friend you have to talk to everyday to know he still cares. He's always there, and he would absolutely DIE for Scott or me, and especially Izzy and Evan. And his wife Gena, well she's my long lost grandmother I think! She's a tough little lady, but she's had her own health struggles, and she understands what I am going through. We used to go to their house quite often, but with men ot driving and Scott doing my wifey duties and his husbandly role, we don't get to go often. But, when we do go, I feel comfortable and welcome. That's rare for me. When I was in the hospital in February, Lee didn't just visit me everyday, he visited several times a day, everyday. We were actually eating dinner at their house when I started to have my attack, so I'm questioning whether I should eat his shrimp again... (Just kidding Lee).

My oldest best friend Kristin, she also drives all the way to my house to see me too! She will come stay all day long, and I don't have to "coddle" her when she's here. If she wants a drink, she fixes it. If she wants to take a nap, she sleeps. We don't have to talk the whole time, and she just knows that I want her presence there. We make a game out of picking the movies to watch, because I always try to find one that she will love but hasn't seen... and she's seen everything! We're at the point now where when I call out a movie name, she says, "Chel, I watched that last time with YOU!" haha... She just graduated with her Masters from the University of Alabama (My little girl is growing up.. sniffle...) and we all thought she would go straight from the diploma to a new fancy job. Thank you recession for being such a pain in the butt with that. No, really, God hasn't found her perfect job yet, but maybe he knew I would need her right now, so he's made her available all the time... There's a reason for everything and when the time comes, God will give her the best job in the world. She deserves it!

Dawna, Mrs. Bonnie's daughter-in-law, is my newest best friend, and she is my other sweetheart. She is also in pain over Mrs. Bonnie, and we hurt together. Dawna had to call me and tell me about Mrs. Bonnie passing away, and that was a HUGE burden for her to bear. Dawna had shared Mrs. Bonnie with me for the past year, when she could have just held on to her for her own. After all, Dawna is in fact the daughter-in-law... but my heart melted when Dawna told me she thought one of the reasons she met Grant (Mrs. Bonnie's son), was so I could meet Mrs. Bonnie and be helped by her. I'm thankful for Dawna being so selfless and letting me have a closeness with Mrs. Bonnie when she could have been jealous... I'm thankful that we can cry together on the phone, and she has been here from day one as well.

I have other close friends, and I will write about them later when I'm not so groggy. I just wanted to give a special "shout out" to those friends that make a HUGE difference each and every day, especially when I need it the most. I need all of you, Kris, Lee, Dawna, and Gena.. I need you  more than you know right now. I just need to know you're there, so just keep doing what you're doing already, because I thrive off of you. And Daddy, thank you for coming to spend the days with me, just taking me wherever we go, even if it is Hobby Lobby... I love that store, and I will teach you how to find the deals.... haha.

And Mama, she's at the beach this week. I hope she's relaxing and having a great time, because she needs it! I'm ready for her to come home though! I'm ready to see her and throw my arms around her neck and smell her familiar smell. It's been too long! I miss her more than she knows!

On to today: I am going to clean my house a little bit today. I want to clean a lot, but let's not be too optimistic. I can only tackle so much before I get distracted by the oreos in the cabinet.. ha.

The whole point of this was to tell you about my latest venture out of the house. I decided that I would start trying to get out a little bit every week, even if for an hour to give me some interaction someone other than the people who work at the gas station a mile down the road. They probably wonder why I only buy Laffy Taffy... They have no clue that I'm just finding a cheap reason to get out of the house and they are my interaction for the day... I've learned quite a bit listening to conversations from the old men who sell potatoes in there...

Anyway, I ventured out yesterday and guess what I did? I got me a LIBRARY CARD! Yay! The Tallassee Library is about three miles from the house, and I promised myself that I would go this week and get a Library card... FREE BOOKS.  I think that's a YES! I checked out the max amount yesterday, which is 5 books. I checked out:

The House That Cleans Itself        by Mindy Starnes Clark
http://www.mindystarnsclark.com/house.php


Drawing for Dummies
http://www.amazon.com/Drawing-Dummies-Brenda-Hoddinott/dp/076455476X


Inc. Your Dreams:  For Any Woman Who Is Thinking About Her Own Business     by Rebecca Maddox
http://www.amazon.com/Inc-Your-Dreams-Thinking-Business/dp/014023537X


Write It Down, Make It Happen:  Knowing What You Want and Getting It      by Henriette Anne Klauser
http://www.henrietteklauser.com/_books/_writeitdown/index.htm


The Business of Bliss:  How To Profit From Doing What You Love        by Janet
Allon
http://www.amazon.com/Business-Bliss-Profit-Doing-What/dp/0688160840


I'm going to start with the cleaning book today. Wish me luck! I rather enjoyed the whole library experience. It's wierd though, because it feels like people can look at me and tell that I haven't been out of the house much. I know that's in my head, but it feels so strange. You know, when I do get out, God always sends me people randomly that start conversations out of no where. It's almost like He says, "See Chel, you are alive and people do want to talk to you." I love those conversations, because those people have no clue that I am sick. If there is one thing you should take from this entry: You never know when the conversation you strike up at the grocery store with the random lady may be her only conversation that day. So take the time to make your words count. YOU can make a difference without even realizing. NEVER forget that.

I'm off to clean!

The Dark Days and Mrs. Bonnie

Hello Everyone... I have procrastinated writing this blog post since the end of June. Every time I sit down to write, I am overcome with so many emotions, and I fear that I will never be able to say the right words to show you what God has placed on my heart. So, before I started writing, I asked God to guide my fingers, so that my words emit love, quidance, undestanding, and peace for all who read this. He has done this for me continuously throughout this journey.

My sweet Mrs. Bonnie Robinson, my Multiple Sclerosis mentor, life lessons counselor, honest and true friend, and keeper of my secret fears unexpectedly passed away. While we do not know the exact cause of her death, we do not believe that "Multiple Sclerosis" took her life, for she was doing her most favorite activity: Swimming and getting the wonderful tan she always had. She loved to swim, because it kept her active and it gave her a good reason to get out of the house. Her awesome tan was one that any woman would envy!

I wrote a previous blog entry that included informtion about my past with Mrs. Bonnie, called, "Life... Totally Not Going As Planned"  if you would like to read more about this sweet lady.

While trying to decide what angle to use to approach this post, I decided I would write about the wonderful blessing Mrs. Bonnie was and will continue to be in my life, how this tragedy has impacted my spirit, and ways I'm dealing with my own grief. I hope this will positively impact at least one person who reads it, and my wish is that everyone will truly understand what a wonderful amazing lady heaven enjoys now!

Please keep in mind, especially if you were also close to Mrs. Bonnie, that my experience as her friend may differ from the relationship you had with her. God sent her to me to fulfill a purpose, and that she did. But the Mrs. Bonnie I love and trusted may cover different angles of memories than you have, so I'm truly writing about the Mrs. Bonnie I knew and what our own personal relationship was like.

Mrs. Bonnie came into my life through my dear friend Dawna Robinson. Dawna is married to Grant, Mrs. Bonnie's oldest son. I did not even meet Mrs. Bonnie until March 2010 at Dawna's bridal shower, and I briefly remember seeing her at their Luau Couples Shower in April 2010. I also remember seeing her at the wedding later that month, but as a bridesmaid, I was more worried about my high heels sinking in the soggy mud when I headed down the rainy outside "aisle" than I was about trying to make friends with Dawna's new mother-in-law.

I remember Dawna telling me around that time that Mrs. Bonnie had Multiple Sclerosis, but at that particular point in my life, the news went in one ear and out the other quickly. At that time, I knew I had a sleeping disorder, but I had no idea that my life would soon become entangled in a web of aches, Bengay, and Multiple Sclerosis. I do remember one event that happened at the Luau Party that I am now so incredibly ashamed to admit, but I will tell you about it, because if it will make you rethink your actions in the future, I'm doing my job well.

At the couples shower, Mrs. Bonnie sat at the kitchen table for most of the entire party. She talked and laughed with everyone who stopped to talk, but I remember wondering why she didn't get up and mingle as a mother-in-law should do, according to the imaginary rules written in the "Imaginary superficial Wedding Rule Book." I also remember admiring her awesome tan and eyeing her stylish whitish blond color hair with envy. I remember thinking, "Man, Grant as a pretty hot mom!"

(Here is the part I am ashamed to admit.) I remember standing there in the kitchen in my brand new pink and white dress, sporting the newest must have Victoria Secret Bombshell Bra, and prancing around in my black high heels without a care in the world. Soon, Mrs. Bonnie and her husband, Mr. Donald, started to tell everyone "Goodbye" and when she got up, I saw her first limp. Then I watched her walk slowly across the room with her cane, obviously struggling with the stiffness and pain from sitting all evening. And in my selfish mind I thought, "Oh, that's a shame. She WAS so beautiful until I saw her struggling to walk."  In my mind, she no longer fit the criteria I had made up to be beautiful..... You know, the sexy swaying walk, the confident steps taken in glamorous heels... The usual.

And you know what, God definitely heard my shallow thoughts. Yes, He heard my superficial and conceited thoughts loud and clear. God decided that He would teach me to be a good person and help me to see the real meaning and values in life. He would make me see what should always be most important, and that it definitely was not the strutting around in the black stilettos I wore on my feet that night, the same shoes that are now collecting dust on the back of my closet door, because that was the last time I ever wore them.

Ironic? No, it was planned by God. God decided he would teach me how to live a Godly, Christ-like life... and He chose the random lady that I had that horrible thought about to be the teacher that would save my life in the next year. You may think that God doesn't hear your thoughts, but I am SO incredibly thankful that He heard mine that night. I now realize that the sweet lady who took those steps, my sweet Mrs. Bonnie, only became more beautiful with each step she took across the room. Because of her, I now know how to look for real beauty.

A little about Mrs. Bonnie's life:
                   When I was trying to find words to describe Mrs. Bonnie, I thought of the usual words you would use to describe someone you love: gentle, comforting, etc. As I looked a little closer, I realized that Mrs. Bonnie was indeed very comforting to me when it seemed that I couldn't find a soft place to land anywhere. But, Mrs. Bonnie was NOT gentle with me. haha... She spoke her mind to me, even when she knew it would hurt, and she had a tone in her voice that would make you do what she said (When she said it!) . In her approach was where I found my comfort.

The other words I thought of to describe her are below:

Words Describing	Mrs. Bonnie Robinson
Passionate	Dainty
Dependable	Protective
Inspiring	Abrasive
Determined	Sympathetic
Poignant	Respectful
Logical	Mentor
Loving	Humble
Influential	Messenger
Priceless	Motherly
Real	Soothing
Invigorating	Confident
Consistent	Refreshing

I'm nowhere near a computer genius, so the large size of this table is going to have to stay that way, because I can't figure out how to make it smaller. I usually click on the corners, but this was as small as it would go...

Anyway, those are Mrs. Bonnie's words for how I knew her, heard her and love her.

In late May 2010, I had a Cluster Headache that landed me in the Emergency Room, and I lost the sight in my right eye for a few weeks. The ER doctor threw around a few causes, Multiple Sclerosis being one of them. For someone addicted to GOOGLE as I am, I looked up all of the possible causes, and I saw that I fit the criteria for Multiple Sclerosis quite well.  I didn't know anyone with MS, but I remembered that Dawna had told that was what Mrs. Bonnie had, so I sent her a friend request on facebook asking her for a little information.

From that moment on, she became my "Midnight Friend" and I became hers. I can't describe to you what she gave and will always continue to give me or what she brought into my life, because no words can describe it. She came swiftly, and she left swiftly.


To be honest with you, everything written above was written the week of her death. I edited certain parts tonight to be in the present tense, but I haven't had it in me to finish this entry until now. From this moment on, I'm writing for RIGHT NOW.

This has been a rough week. Truthfully, the past month has been quite "iffy." Well, it has been more of a "may be" month. I "may be" fine one minute, then I "may be" crying about Mrs. Bonnie the next. I can't even begin to describe the pain that I am in right at this very moment. My heart is broken, and I thought for sure that God would have given me peace by now. I can't blame God though, because I have continuously struggled with being leaning on Him during this time.

From the very minute I found out about Mrs. Bonnie, I have refused to be angry with God. I knew from the beginning that road was a dead end, because God does indeed have a plan for me still. One day, I was laying in the bed at about 2 p.m. and I hadn't even stepped a foot out of the bed all day, much less out of the room. I think I laid in the bed until about 7 p.m. that night, only getting up to go to the bathroom. I slept on and off throughout the day, but mostly I was in a daze, just about as low spirited as I have ever been. Scott brought my medicine in to me and I took it, but even he hadn't seen me at this point, so there wasn't really much he could do or say.

I remember sitting up in the bed, and I just told him that I was tired. Tired of fighting this disease, tired of missing out, tired of hurting each and every day, all day long, tired of the headaches and muscle pain, tired of the chronic migraine every minute of each day. I was just tired.

And for the first time I was honest with him. I will now be honest with you.

I told Scott that I don't believe in suicide, and honestly the line between suicide and going to heaven is so foggy for me that I don't want to "think" I'm going to heaven and take a chance in doing one thing that could jeopardize that. So, I told him that he didn't have anything to worry about as far as that was concerned. Then I told him that didn't mean every single night when I climbed into bed that I didn't let God know that it was ok if He decided to take me that night. I told him I wasn't scared to die anymore, and if one day he rolls over and God answered that prayer, I wanted him to know that I was ok with it. I told him that I didn't think your heart will physically continue to beat if you feel this much pain inside it for a long period of time. At some point, I think it just stops.

His response was exactly right: All he said was, "This is the stuff you need to write in your blog. Not how great you are or how great you are dealing with ths diagnosis. If you truly want to help someone else who may be in this position too, like Mrs. Bonnie helped you, you need to tell them the truth." And he was right.

The truth is, for months I was dealing with the diagnosis okay. But, something inside me snapped when Mrs. Bonnie died, and sometimes I truly don't know how I will ever have the energy to fight this forever. I'm at the point where I am bitter and angry about it. I'm pretty much bitter and angry at everyone to tell you the truth.. I'm angry that I have to deal with this. I'm angry that I have to feel this pain that is invisible to others. I'm angry that my mom and dad can't make this better for me like everything else. And I'm angry that I have to do it without Mrs. Bonnie.

I had one single person in this entire world that felt the pain physically that I do everyday. One person that could feel what I was talking about. One person who, in some special way, made it ok for me to be sick, because if she could do it then I could too. And I'm angry that the one person I had is gone. I was so lost before she died, but she held me up. How can I not want to talk to hardly anyone in the world for days but I just want to go sit at her grave and talk to her for hours?

I know I have to keep it together, but I am really starting to let this diagnosis sink in. So, for all of those people who were so proud of me for having such a great attitude about it, I'm so sorry to let you down. I wish my heart didn't hurt so bad. It's almost a physical pain, on top of the others, a constriction in the center of my chest that just squeezes and creates a real pain. Am I depressed? Of course, who wouldn't be? Actually, the lesions on my brain also cause depression. Do I know how to deal with this? Not a clue.

I am so tired of everyone giving me advice and tips and telling me what I should do or what they would do, but where are all those people when I need them to help me carry out this advice. Scott is a husband of someone who has a chronic illness and could care less if I wake up tomorrow morning. I can't tell you how many times I've been in the middle of doing something normal, like cooking dinner, and I'll stumble and the next thing I know I'm on my knees, screaming at the top of my lungs at nothing in particular, just out of frustration and pain and Scott just silently comes in and wraps his arms around me and lets me cry and cry. And I'm angry that he has to deal with the pain too.

I know when you get married, you always look forward to spending time with your new spouse. But, we never had that newlywed phase. We've had doctor visits, HUGE medical bills, I had to resign from work, decreased income and increased prescription bills, a death of a close friend, etc... What else? So when I climb into bed at night, I always scoot over close to him, and he always wraps his arm around me. At that moment, I feel so peaceful. It is the only time when I can feel his warmth, and I know that he understands and he's in this with me forever. I'm thankful for him. More than he knows.

Now, I have poured our my heart to you. I've cried this whole entry. I miss my Mrs. Bonnie, and my heart hurts so bad right now. I know God has a plan for my life, and I guess his current plan is for me to be a wife, which I am not quite mastering I assume. I want to fulfill His purpose. I want to be able to look at old pictures from my life from before I was sick, and not feel so much anger. I want to be happy again and look forward to leaving the house. I know God hears my prayers, and I am comforted by that. But, I still wish I could go crawl in the bed with Mrs. Bonnie and snuggle up next to her while she holds me and tells me that it's going to get better in time. I know you don't understand, and it's ok. I just hope someone out there that may also be hurting can find a little comfort knowing they're not completely in the dark, because it's darker than you could ever imagine when you feel like that.

Here are some pics of Mrs. Bonnie