The Real TRUTH About How I Feel

You want the truth about how I really feel about this awful disease? Well here is the honest truth:

One thing I struggle with is accepting this fate: Multiple Sclerosis. For the most part, it appears to be going well, but I have nights, like last night that come out of no where where I fall apart. I lost everything in less than a year, my job, my friends, my Multiple sclerosis mentor and dear friend that died unexpectedly, my future, and all of my plans... they were all taken within a year. So, without even realizing it, I pushed away everything that I REALLY wanted, because it was like I unconsciously thought that if I didn't really want it anymore, then it wouldn't be taken from me, but if I wanted it, like I wanted my job, then it would be taken. 

But you don't have these thought processes and realize it, until that night when you put two and two together, OR when your husband does. He's right... When Bonnie died, it absolutely killed me, because she was not only one of my best friends, but she was the only person I confided in, because she had MS. If I told her about something that happened or something I felt, she had been through it too. So we formed a bond that couldn't be shaken... unless one of us died. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of her, and I can still cry at the drop of a hat. They say over time that it gets easier, but it hasn't yet. I can't even really think about her without falling apart.

Things with Scott and I are good, but I've selfishly kept him at an arms length away. It's like dying... for almost a year, I've been ok with it. If I were to have not woke up the next morning, I've told myself over and over that I would be ok with it, almost to convince myself. But the truth is, I WANT to be ok. I want to beat this. But what if I really try to fight it as hard as I can and then I find out that there's nothing that I can do and it's going to kill me? Something is a lot easier to take if you convince yourself that it's what you wanted in the first place. It's confusing, but you may understand. 

The worst symptom about this is my inability to manage my moods and my emotions. My doctor said that it is an effect of my lesions, but the depression has been awful over the past year. And I never hid it from my family or Scott or my best friends... I was taking an anti-depressant that I had a really bad reaction to that almost made me hallucinate, and I took it for months. I would cry all day every day and just almost watch myself from somewhere else. It was the worst thing I have ever been through in my life. I was diagnosed as being bipolar, but I wouldn't accept it, so I ignored the doctor and quit the meds cold turkey. After the effects wore off, I allowed my body to go back to normal for a few weeks. I wasn't bipolar anymore... it was the other meds! So, I started a different anti-depressant, and it works pretty well for the most part! If I had accepted the bipolar meds and taken them, I would be on another medicine that I don't need, and my doctor agreed. It's just trial and error. 

I think that once I accept this fate, then I will work on rebuilding. But I can't accept it overnight, or even in one year. I'm still in denial about it, and I hate it everyday and I want to go back in time. I used to be so responsible  in control, and I feel like I lost my entire identity and now I'm trying to find the other me. And I don't want to. As soon as I'm able to get out of this funk and start rebuilding my life, I will start my new chapter. Until then... it's day by day.

BEST book ever!

I am Chelsea, and I am a Procrastinator with ADD

Merry Christmas Everyone! Do you like the title of this blog entry? I hope you do, because it is SO TRUE! I have serious ADD, otherwise known as Attention Deficit Disorder, and it severely hampers my ability to do just about anything in a reasonable manner and on time. Getting distracted is the very least of my problems, because my crazy condition goes much further than that. MUCH deeper.

Usually people with ADD or ADHD get distracted from their initial task very easily. It's not the fact that I get distracted from what I'm doing that is so crazy... it's what distracts me. Normally, people with ADD will be walking through the bedroom to go fold clothes and see a book or video game that catches their attention and distracts them and off they go to play. Not me. I'll be walking through the house to go fold clothes and see a James Patterson commercial about his new book and then randomly decide that very moment is the PERFECT opportunity to grab a stack of paper and start writing that book I've never planned to write. You know, the book that I don't have in my head that would most definitely become a best seller? Seriously? What is my deal?

In the middle of cooking dinner, I'll be measuring flour and suddenly, BAM! That seems like the perfect time to cut out some vinyl letters and label my measuring cups. Or I'll be washing clothes, and I'll start computing the cost of laundry detergent which sparks a google witch hunt for homemade laundry detergent recipes that will never get made. (Although, I must add that I DID actually make 5 gallons of homemade laundry detergent ONE time, and it was VERY wonderful and it worked like a charm! I got to trip over the 5 gallon bucket for 4 months as I hobbled over the mountain of clothes to do laundry.)
 
 

 


I've tried Adderall, and it made me extremely edgy and anxious, so that was a No-Go. Now, I'm on a similar drug called Focalin, and it does seem to work a lot better as far as keeping me awake and somewhat better with focusing. I guess lately I've actually been doing a lot better with the whole "Can't maintain focus" thing, luckily. If I hadn't wrangled some kind of control over my ADD I would have never wrapped the first Christmas gift, because I would have decided to hand make the wrapping paper or something crazy like that. It seems like I have the hidden mentality that if it's not extraordinary then it doesn't count. Is that realistic? Not hardly, although I DID make all of my gift tags!

My curse: I was given a vision. A vision of what "Could Be." The curse? I was also given the inability to channel that vision to one item and EXECUTE the "Making it Be" part of the equation.
 
 

One thing I credit for my recent gain of control over my ADD is a new book I bought about a week and a half ago. And I bought it out of desperation, because when you live like this, unorganized, it seems like you don't have control over one single aspect of your life. One thing I learned that made me feel better: A LOT of this inability to control my ADD is caused by my brain lesions affecting the executive functions in my brain, because of the location of the lesions. Whew! It's not ALL me... although some of it is laziness I have to admit.
 
 

The book is called Procrastination: Why You Do It, What To Do About It NOW! And it's an AMAZING book that I highly recommend to anyone who has issues with time management, procrastination, finishing projects, depression, ADD, or ADHD in general. It is written by Jane B. Burka and Lenora M. Yuen. One of the best parts about the book is that the authors are habitual procrastinators as well, so they understand what the reader feels like. They use their personal experience to help you not only understand what the problem is and medical causes, but also how to remedy this loss of control over your life and gain your self-worth back. Self help book, yes. Am I thankful for it, definitely. (There were over 150,000 copies sold, so they must be doing something right.)
 
 

Below is the link to purchase the book for $10.85 if you are interested (and it is SO worth it)! It is also available at Books-A-Million.

http://www.procrastinationisfun.com/procrastination-books/
They said that they held Procrastinator's Anonymous meetings to help gain more information while writing this book, and the meetings were from 9 a.m.-11 a.m. I thought it was hilarious that they said that was a horrible time to hold the meeting, because all of the people that were attending had issues with procrastination, and they all didn't show up until 10 a.m. anyway. (I totally understand this, because I am usually late for everything!)

Since I have been reading the book, I have been through two highlighters, and I've been on time and finished more projects that I have total in the past year. It's AMAZING, and if a book can help my butt be on time... it can help you too. (Chapter 16 is called: Tips for Procrastinators with ADD and Executive Dysfunction.)


I learned that self-monitoring is very important when you are trying to be on time, and people with either of these disorders have issues with this (I have both.. yay me!) I also learned that if you are like this, every single decision point represents a potential diversion from whatever path you are on. As Ned Hallowell said, "The devil does reside in the details in the land of ADD."
 
 

Another tip I've learned is,"Don't try to be good at what you're bad at. Get better at what you're good at." (by Ned Hallowell and coauthor John Ratey) To boost your attitude and inspiration, find what you're good at, and do it more! (Sounds good to me... even if it is funky dancing... haha)


FINAL POINT: You have a choice. You can delay, or you can act!
 
 

I choose to act. And to all you readers, if you are a procrastinator like me, BUY THIS BOOK. If you are an organizational wonder-person, please give me your ideas, tips, and strategies. All of them will not work for me, but some of them definitely will. And just knowing you care will mean the world and inspire me as well.
 
 

FYI: This is NOT my brain... Ironically, I can't figure out how to save my own brain scans from the disc, because of the system they used to download them. As soon as I can learn how to do it, you can bet that I'm going to share my BIG beautiful brain with you. It's proof... I have one! haha. Seriously, this picture shows you what a brain with MS looks like with lesions (the white spots). I have four lesions... this person has more than I do. And... because of my lesions, I have more color in my brain than just that dull gray color.. I have white polka dots! How cool is that... which means.. my brain is prettier than yours! haha... Gotta have humor in it!
 
 

Well, enough procrastinating! Off to finish my daily goals!

A Brand NEW Approach to Cleaning

Good Morning Everyone! (By the way, I'm totally faking this *CHEERY* attitude, because this chilly weather makes me want to go crawl right back in the bed... just to let you know.)  Now that we have that out in the open, I'll continue.

This post is about my path to a new MUCH more organized life.  Thinking about having an "Organized Life" really reminds me about how we think about our senses. While we often remember to give Sight and Smell a slot in our senses category area, a good majority of people forget that people actually have and use FIVE senses: Sight, Hearing, Taste, Touch, Smell.

Similarly, when the term "organized" comes into play, what is the first thing you think of? Do you only think of how un-clean and "dis-organized" your house is right now? What I'm learning is that I can "pick up" the clutter in my home all I want, but I also have to remember that there is Mental Clutter, Financial Clutter, Guilty Clutter, Mourning Clutter, Sentimental Clutter,  Sad Clutter, Potentially Useful Clutter, Memory Clutter, "I Might Need It One Day" Clutter, Relationship Clutter, Time Clutter... and the list goes on and on and on. I'm just a clutterbug I guess!

Have you ever really thought deep down about what kind clutter you may be carrying around? I know I hadn't until recently.  I found myself beginning to feel overwhelmed, but I couldn't quite put my finger on the cause of this sudden stress.  Sound familiar?  For more information on types of clutter and how to take control of your clutter, click on the links below. (Don't forget to come back to the good stuff!)

{FYI: I'm about to tell you why these approaches do NOT work for me, but they may work for you.}

6 Types of Clutter
Oprah's Clutter Control Remedies
How Clutter Control Affects You

I have never really thought of myself as an organized person. In the past, I was never stressed out enough to feel the need seek out a cause to blame it on. That sure has changed! In the past 6 months, I've struggled with so many new changes in my life, and I've looked near and far for the main cause of the changes. The only answer I can come up with is that my changes were just in God's plan for me. That's fine with me, because I would rather be a part of God's plan and not understand why he dealt me these cards than be in a rough situation that I was responsible for on my own. I think that's why the clutter in my life is so frustrating: I did it to myself.

BACK to the point: (See, the same thing happens when I try to clean: I get DISTRACTED!)

If you open any "Lady" magazine, you can almost bet that somewhere inside there will be at least one article about household organization. I'm waiting for the day when all of the "Women's" magazines realize that they just rotate advice around from one article to the next... and it doesn't work half of the time.

Common advice doesn't always work for everyone, and it amazes me that magazine editors still haven't created a few more reasonable or unique approaches to housework. Below, I have listed a few "Common Clutter-Clearing Tips" that I see ALL the time. So, underneath each useless tip is a little tidbit of what I think about it and why it doesn't work for me.

The Common Advice 

• Walk into a room and pick up everything you see that doesn't belong there.

                            - I don't like this tip, because I feel like the writer is trying to make me feel like an idiot. Obviously, IF I could go into a room and pick up everything out of place and it was really that easy, there's a pretty good chance that I wouldn't need to read the article in the first place. I would have already picked everything up and put it away. Strike One... NEXT.

• Everything in your house needs to have a "place" where it belongs.

                             -  REALLY? Everything needs to have a place? Uh yea, obviously. And if I KNEW how to make a place for everything, again, I wouldn't be reading the article. I want to know HOW to find a place for everything. A "REASONABLE" how-to... Not one of those, "Save 20 cereal boxes and cover them with wall paper and have your husband use his circular saw to cut eleven of the thirteen 2x4's you had to buy from 'Herald's Home Place' specifically for this project" and hotglue them together and so forth.  That is NOT the norm...

                             - First of all, I said "Herald's Home Place," because there is a 50/50 chance that you will have never heard of the hardware store recommended in the magazine, the one with "the lowest price around." Around what? Sometimes I think writers google all over to find the store with the cheapest lumber prices, even if the only one in the entire United States is in Idaho. Second of all, I can almost promise you that IF you indeed routinely volunteer your husband and his circular saw for every cereal box DIY craft that you run just happen to across, there's a good chance you will need to read to the "Why Does My Husband Avoid ME" printed a few pages over. Long point short: Give us some eco-friendly, easy, CHEAP ways to organize. Strike Two... NEXT.

• Only save the "Really Special Artwork" that your child has made, and take digital pictures of the rest. You can print the pictures and look at them forever without the clutter of all of the coloring pages.

                            -  Ok, let me be clear for those who do not know me personally: I am not a mother to a biological child.  I do, however, have two creative little stepchildren who constantly draw and design oodles of pictures and items for their Daddy and me. I even have a box in the top of our closet with special little keepsakes they have created. While they are only at our house every other weekend, they still draw like 10 pictures at a time... each. I wish I knew how many "books" with silly little stories they have created and stapled together for us, but I lost count a while ago. And I've kept every single one.

                            - My point is: I don't want to take a picture of their artwork. And it's probably not for the reason that you may think. I don't want to take a picture and toss out the art work, because I just don't agree with the reasoning. You're swapping out an original for a duplicate. Printed pictures are also going to take up space, right? So, you might say, "I'll burn the pictures of their artwork on a c.d. to save space."  Really? You're going to take the time to round up the artwork, take an individual photo of each page (usually double sided as well), so around two pictures of EACH page, and upload or scan them into your computer, name each picture describing what it is, who drew it, and what year it was made. Then, you're going to either upload the files to Rite Aid and drive there to pick up your child's artwork pictures? Or if you opt for the Image C.D. route, are you going to put the images in a folder and burn a million C.D.s and then label each C.D. and create a way to organize them?

                          -Either way, you're going to be in a bad mood, because you just threw our your kid's precious artwork! Just take twenty minutes and stack each paper individually, neatly, with one on top of the other and put it in a clear $4 bin from Wal-Mart and slide it under the bed or put it up in the top of the closet. Do you really think you're going to have that day where you say, "You know what? I don't have anything to do today. I think I'm going to go find the disc with Tommy's artwork from 2nd grade and look at all of those pretty scribbles on the computer this afternoon?" Please just stop kidding yourself.

                        -In reality, you are going to want to pull out that old dusty box of "Scribbles" after your "baby boy" moves off to college and cry as you have your midlife crisis, wishing that he was five years old again. You actually DESERVE to keep the originals as proof that you actually kept another tiny teacup human alive AND they were somewhat creative. SCORE! (ha... that makes me crack up to hear someone say that, and I've been looking for a place to throw that in!)

Back to the point: You'll be in even more distress if you regret throwing the originals away. Most of our world is digital and made up of replicas, so I think there's something special about original items to bring you back in time. So if someome tells you to take a picture of your kids artwork and "bid it farewell," then I suggest that you tell them to go take a picture of their grandmother's 100 year old china cabinet and sell it for $10 at a yard sale... Strike three... THE MAGAZINE ADVICE COLUMNS LOSE.

                       -(I HAVE to add this last tidbit just because it annoys me to read it over and over... so here's one more piece of useless advice.)

• Ask yourself, "Do I REALLY need this?" If the answer is "No," then toss it out.

                       - What kind of dilusional world do these overpaid organizers live in? Don't they think that IF indeed you are reading an article on how to get organized, then you have probably already asked yourself IF you need a specific item like a million times already, and the answer is, "Yes. Yes I do need to keep the busted float from the beach trip in 1999, because it CAN be fixed. And what if there's a time in life where we don't have the money to buy another $2 float? When everyone else needs a float and they can't afford to buy one, I won't have to worry about anything, because I kept AND fixed mine!"

                       - Now we're just going to ignore the fact that IF you did happen to keep a ripped $2 float for 12 years, waiting to need to fix it during a economical depression, then you are probably not JUST a "tad bit unorganized." You're probably well on your way to arriving at your next "Hoarders Anonymous" meeting. The main point I'm trying to make is, people who keep pure crap and wierd junk are horrible at organizing, but they have a freakishly awesome ability to rationalize anything. They will indeed ask theirselves IF they actually need something, and the ALWAYS "yes". I ask myself all the time if I REALLY need something, and I'm so distracted and unorganized that sometimes I even forget to answer! :)

The REAL Bottom Line:  Don't these Martha Stewart clones think that if everyone could/would "spend twenty minutes a day" putting away items that we wouldn't have an issue with clutter?

BACK TO MY OWN MESSY HOUSE:

I think I may have FINALLY found the solution to my clutter... FLYLADY!!!

You have GOT to check out this site! FLYLADY takes a whole new approach to cleaning, and I believe she specifically works well for people with "Attention Issues," much like myself. She teaches you how to use new approaches to my three main demons: PROCRASTINATION, GETTING SIDETRACKED and BOREDOM! I LOVE this site!

One of the HUGE things I find motivating about this new sight is that the FLYLADY herself, Marla Cilley, is not one of those "Organizing Fanatics" that was practically born obsessively color coordinating and organizing her crayons when she was like 3. She didn't spend her childhood making her parents beam with pride at how clean she kept her room. No, Ms. Cilley was once a dysfunctional personal herself, so she really knows what she's talking about. Regular methods didn't work for her, either. LOVE IT!

I have found that I work much better if I set my own goals rather than follow another person's schedule. All of our lives are going in different directions, right? All I know is, when I found this site, I just about peed in my pants with excitement, because I finally found someone who just seemed to "get" me and my organizational issues. I now have a new title to add to my chaos: I am a... "FLY Baby."

Here are a few links to get you on the right track!

Getting Started with FLYLADY
Start with BABYSTEPS
What to Expect from FLYLADY

So, if you want to try to make an attempt at become more organized and efficient and the regular methods just aren't helping you become successful, I recommend that you check out FLYLADY.  I really don't see how it could hurt!

Here are a few of the motivational pictures and quotes that I use to "BOOST" my cleaning genes...

Now, in the words of the FLYLADY herself.... "Go Shine Your Sink!"

Loryn Brown... You Will Always Be Loved!

Well here we are, two days after the huge tornado tore across the South.  With fatality numbers rising and new "road blocks" every day, I would have expected many people to say the famous, "Oh my gosh, that's awful" and go back to their lives. But you know what? That is exactly the opposite of what is occuring across our state.

There has been more people pull together in the last two days than I have ever seen in my lifetime. People who have never met, previous enemies, and people we will never know have given their time, money, supplies, blood, prayers, and assistance to people they will never know. The only way to explain such selflessness is to acknowledge that God is definitely walking with each and every one of us right now, even if you do not want to hold his hand. I personally have clung to Him over the past few days more than I ever have, and I specifically was not even devastated by this disaster. But, I need him, and fortunately, He's here with me!

When I heard of a specific fatality of a girl who graduated from Edgewood Academy, Loryn Brown, I automatically did what many of you have done or will do if you did not know her: I looked her up on facebook.  From what I can tell, she was the All American Beauty Pageant Winning Surrounded by Friends Great Personality College Student. She was smiling in almost every single picture, and her curly hair was wild and free... something I find beautful in itself.

The last picture of Loryn with the houndstooth shoulder strap is my absolute favorite... There's something about the look on her face and the sparkle in her eye (and her awesome bright white teeth that we all would envy!) that seems to say, "I am so completely happy at this very moment!"

It appears that her mother came to Tuscaloosa not too long ago and they went on a little family photo shoot for a day. I found myself thanking God that they took the time to do that, as many of us rarely do.  Those pictures will be cherished by many forever, and they will always have them! Loryn looked identical to her mother, which is where she got her beautiful curls and bright smile. When you look like your  mother and you are close to your mother as it seems like she was, there is a special bond... maybe from always hearing, "She's a spitting image of you!" I read in one of her picture comments where someone wrote, "Loryn, you look beautiful." and Loryn's response was this:"Thanks! You know I get it from my mom!" Breaks my heart... You know that could have just as easily have been you or me, and for many, it almost was!

Below is the link to the news clip of Loryn's parent's that aired last night.

http://www.wsfa.com/Global/story.asp?S=14545445

I've found myself hoping that she didn't know quite how bad it was, and praying that she didn't suffer.  I know how scared I was in my closet and I didn't have a tornado outside my house. What I felt when I looked at her picture was sadness mixed with fear, because of this: When she smiled so big for the camera, she had no idea that her life would be taken so early. She thought she had forever, just like we think we do. One of her picture captions even says, "You can't replace this!" And you know what? She was exactly right.  Having done thousands of autopsies, I've often caught myself wondering what each person would do different if they knew their time to be called to heaven would be soon.. Would they change anything? Would she have changed anything? Would we change anything? What would it be?

We are all fortunate to have the opportunity to change things in our lives from this point on, because our fragile lives were spared! We are still alive, and we have to rethink how we all live. The story of our lives is determines by the compilation of each an every day we live and our actions.  I have the urge to contact old friends and family members that I often think of but do not take the time to let them know... how long would it take? A few extra minutes? I received a message a few years ago from a fellow classmate, Justin Rye. All it said was, "Hey girl. I just wanted to see how you have been doing lately." I checked the message and realized I was late for class and I decided I would write back a little later... two days later, he passed away. I never wrote him back. We were not close friends, but we WERE friends and that's what matters now... And I will always wish I had let him know that instead of deciding to write back later.  Tuscaloosa RIGHT NOW should show us all that we may not have later!

My husband is heading home for a temporary stay as I type, and I am so thankful that God kept him safe while he dealt with the fatalities there. From my own experience working with death and autopsies and mass fatalities, when you come home from an area of devastation surrounded by death constantly for an extended amount of time, the transformation to ordinary life is so stressful. It is like temporary Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and you don't even realize it until it hits you hard! I worked a mass murder a while back, and it took me days to relax and ease back to being normal, because you play everything over and over all the time, and then someone asks you what you want for dinner. Dinner? Why would you be talking about dinner when these people are suffering? That's what you think, but unless you have been there, you would not understand.


While I have worked situations very similar, I have not been with him during this experience, therefore I do not understand fully now. Please pray that God gives me the ability to comfort him when he comes home. We work so well together because we both have such a strong ability to block out and deal with death and trauma, but we do this together. For those who do not know, our relationship started because we work together.  So from the beginning, we have been a partner to each other, and we have leaned on each other through each difficult day. I've done autopsies on children hundreds of times, and he was right there holding my up in his own little way, letting me know that he truly knows what emotions I had to learn to deal with.  In fact, he taught me how to deal with death... He taught me different coping mechanisms and how to be successful. He physically trained me in a lot of areas at my job (before we started dating), and his mentality was, "I'm going to make you better than I ever was." Where I am weak, he is strong and visa versa. He is the strongest man I know when dealing with this kind of situation, but a situation like this can bring you to your knees really quickly.... and this time it's up to me to catch him when he falls. This is the first time we have been apart on scenes, so this is a new area for me. We are a team, but  have to learn how to play my position this time from the sidelines.

Now multiply that by thousands. That's how many people are dealing with these emotions. Think about how many parents are picking up their college children who rode out the tornado, and the are devastated and traumatized. What do you say to your child in a time like this? While you are thankful they survived, you cannot understand what emotions they are experiencing.  Pray harder for those people, because they are not acclamated with death as we are. This is our life because of our career in forensics, but so many people have not been trained to deal with this emotion and it is SO hard! Pray that God gives them peace... And I know he will.

I love you all!

The Tornado Will Not Win!!

Hello friends!

As you already know, several horrible tornados ripped through Alabama last night as we all watched helplessly from the comfort of our own homes. We may have been uncomfortable with our kids and pets in our cramped "safe place," but now, if you are like me, you are continuously thanking God that He gave you a safe place to hide from the storm.

Fortunately, we all have the opportunity to assist and help those who were not as fortunate as ourselves, and I pray that each and every one of you find it in your hearts to help in the way that God leads you to help. The minor things we take for granted each day are so very needed by MANY people, and if you take a few minutes to look, I am positive you can find an extra blanket, pillow, or bottle of Shampoo that will never be missed. But, before you look, take a moment to pray and ask God that He tells you what He needs you to send, that He will show you the item that will make a huge difference to another family. Then, pray for him to open your eyes so that you may know what he is saying.

This is a time when we cannot be selfish.  We often save many items "just in case" we need them at a future time. Well, THIS is that time, and the reason you saved them is NOW.  It is not another country or even another state that needs your assistance.  No, this time, it is your neighbor, your friends, and your own cities that need help. Don't make them ask, and cheerfully give what you can! It could just as easily have been you or me in this situation, and I would hope that someone would help me just the same.

A good friend of mine and her family lost everything they own last night. By the grace of God they are safe and together. They came out of their house and went into their stom shelter.  Minutes later, they came out of their storm shelter and the only thing left was 4 trees and the foundation of their house. The flowers in the flower beds were still in their perfect little places, but their cars still have not been located. They literally have the clothes on their backs, and every video, every memory, every item they owned is not ruined, it s not dirty, it is GONE! No where to be found at all. Now multiply this by thousands...

Due to the fact that I have been very sick lately, I cannot assist physically in the clean up there. Thankfully, God has answered my prayers, and the medication I am currently taking has made an improvement that allows me to stay awake and alert! Usually, this is But, my mother and I are driving two car loads of supplies to Tuscaloosa this afternoon to help.  I have items for my friends, but we are also bringing items to anyone who needs them. Just being there may let them know that they are not alone.  If you have anything you can give, please let me know though facebook.  I will be driving back to Montgomery tomorrow to pick up another load to bring there, so if you still have time! But, I need to be notified if you have items, because time will be limited and in order to get everything theren safely, we can't drive all over the county to pick up items from each person. I'll arrange everything if you have ANYTHING!

When I was gathering items in my house, I thought that I had better read my devotional journal first. I said a prayer that God would show me which part of the journal to read to show guide me where I am to go to assist, and He told me to open randomly. This is what was written on the page:

He leads us on by paths we did not know;
Upward He leads us, though our steps be slow;
Though oft we faint and falter on the way;
Though storms and darkness oft obscure the day;
Yet when the clouds are gone;
We know He leads us on.

Now if that doesn't tell you that God was listening to me, read what was written underneath that:

Your guide will keep to no beaten path. He will lead you by a way such as you never dreamed your eyes would look on. He knows no fear, and He expects you to fear nothing while He is with you.

My prayer was answered instantly!

My sweet husband, Scott, is headed to Tuscaloosa as we speak. He is in charge of the Department of Forensics Mass Disaster Team, so unfortunately as you all know what "forensics" means, he is going solely to work with the people who lost their lives last night.  As in any disaster situation, the longer deceased bodies are outside, the risk of infection and disease grows. Please pray that he will be a solid leader for the disaster team, and that God will watch over them as they do the worst job imaginable. I am honored to be married to the man who is in charge of this difficult task, and I know that he will use his skill and knowledge to be the most effective leader that he can be.

Many days I have prayed that his phone would not ring to call him into the destruction, and I have worried about his safety in the event that he was called out.  Fortunately, he his team has not been activated until now. What I found was that when I was helping him pack supplies this morning for his mission, I did not feel nervous our scared, but I felt pride and peace. God will watch over him and his team, and I trust this more than I ever have. Before he left, I told him I felt like we needed to say a prayer together, and he agreed.  Leaning in he drivers side door of his car, I wrapped my arms around his neck, told him loved him, and I started speaking to God for both of us. I asked to wrap His arms around my husband and keep hm safe from harm. I asked him to place it on Scott's heart where he needs him to be, and show him who he needs to help. I asked God to allow Scott to be receptive and give him the patient ability to listen to what God is trying to say, regardess of other instructions.

Before he left, Scott reminded me that his job was to deal with the fatalities while he was there, and he would not be able to pass out supplies and he reminded me that he would most likely be inside a morgue most of the time. This made me smile, to which he looked confused... I said, "Scott, you don't know what your job is right now. In this situation, you do not get to choose our job. As soon as I said that prayer, you lost control of what your plan is,and your put it in Gods hands. Fortunately, everything is out of your control."  and with that I turned and walked back into the house.
This morning I was headed to the beach to sleep for the next four days. But, the beach is not where I am supposed to go. There are SO many people who have given their time to help those in need. Please also pray that God will direct them where to go.

I read a story a while back that I will share with you. I read that on Septembe 11, 2001, when the terrorist attacks occured, there was a retired marine that lived in Connecticut. He saw the devastation on television, and he immediately knew he had to help. He prayed that God would show him who he needed to help and show him where to go to find the victims and make the most difference. He put on his old marine uniform, packed a bag, put the top down on his convertible, and drove as fast as he could to the twin towers. Everything was calculated as he knew that if he was a civilian, the road blocks would not grant him access into te city, but so many military forces had been activated that they would now know he was retired. They simply looked into his convertible, saw the marine uniform, and granted him immediate access. When he got to ground zero, he saw the officers and people instructing workers where to look. He decided he would go search in the area that had been designated as "clear" and off limits. He said it was if it was called into that direction. He ran into a man who had a very similar idea, and they searched together for survivors, and this was unknown to any other people searching, as they were in an uncharted area. After looking and yelling for survivors, they heard a tiny yell. Slowly, the moved debris for hours and hours, until they uncovered what was an elevator full of survivors. Survivors that would have been missed if he had ignored God's instructions and guidance. Two people out of both of those buildings may seem small, but I bet when those few survivors tuck their kids in at night or kiss their wives good morning, they thank God everyday that the marine had a Christian heart.

So, I'm going to go now so I can finish packing. I hope you took something away from this, and I pray that you see the truth. We are ALL family, but some of our family is hurt... Can you help?