My Plan for the New Year... Or Plan(s)

Well the new year is rapidly approaching... Act Surprised.  I'm sorry, haha, but I just had to write that last sarcastic line, because the sentence before it is one of those "Duh! No, Really?" lines. 

• I'm not sure if you have noticed before now, but I try to write to you like I would if I were actually talking to you. Therefore, I really try hard not to erase the stupid lines or sentences that I might not have thought through all the way. Why? Because if I was actually talking to you in person, I would have actually said the sentence without thinking. Does this make sense to anyone? Bottom Line: This is me. These words are mine. I admit that I can speak before I think, or in this case, write before I think. And I'm not erasing it just to make myself look like I'm totally together all the time. Cause I'm not. Hardly ever.  

On to our BIG topic today: Do you have any great new years resolutions? Yes, I'm sure there are the usual resolutions like:

• I'm going to lose 50 pounds this year.
• I'm going to join a gym and go 5 days a week. (DON'T sign a contract!)
• I'm going to pay off my credit card debt.
• I'm going to floss twice a day

Ok, well maybe that last one has never crossed your "Resolution List," but hey, you never know. For some anti-flossers, that may be a BIG commitment.

Anyway, I've a confession... (bahaha... that made me laugh out loud, because while I meant to write "I Have" a confession, the way I wrote it sounds kind of Foreign 1920's with an accent if you say it out loud... I've a confession... lol.)

Let's try that again: I HAVE a mildly shocking confession...

Ive NEVER had a New Years Resolution before.

I say "mildly shocking," because I'm only 24, so what serious thing could I have resolved to do in my life before now... make good grades? That would be a... sometimes.

This year, I'm going to be making my first New Years Resolution, and it's a little tricky to say the least. Remember my past ADD blog entry? (If you don't, click Past ADD Blog Entry. )
Well, I haven't yet mastered the art of narrowing down my lists yet, so my New Years Resolution is actually a Master List with many other Major Resolution List topics that also have Mini Resolutions below them. Remember this:

New Years Resolution
      1.Major Topic
              1a. Mini Topic
              1b. Mini Topic
      2. Major Topic
              2a. Mini Topic
              2b. Mini Topic

Get my drift? I think the main problem stems from one main issue: I want 2012 to be SO different from what 2011 was for me. This past 2011 year was full of ups and downs, with MANY more down days than up days, and I want 2012 to be the complete opposite. I desperately want 2012 to be a wonderful year, full of so many ups that I can't even remember what it feels like to be down.

If you have followed any of my past posts, you know that I have struggled with gaining control over my Multiple Sclerosis this past year, and I was largely unsuccessful most of the time. Thankfully, God has allowed me to kind of wrap up the 2011 year with a little more closure and control than I've had all year. As a result of such a crazy rollercoaster of a year and the effects of the placement of my brain lesions, I've also struggled with depression almost consistenly for the entire year.

Many people who have never been exposed or dealt with depression don't realize how difficult it is to find the perfect medication for depression or what happens if you have a bout with a medication that seems to do more harm than good.

Now imagine this:

Imagine trying to make all of these medications work successfully together EVERY DAY, all the while trying not to lose your mind:

• Anti-Depressant
• Muscle Relaxer
• Migraine Medication
• Interstitial Cystitis Medication
• Hypersomnia Medication (to stay awake)
• Brain/Nerve Conduct Medication (like anti-seizure)
• ADD Medication (to channel the Hypersomnia medication effects)
• Medication for random pain management
• Heat/cooling therapy
• The list goes on

See what I mean? Try making all of those work together every single day. It takes time, and for me that time was most of 2011. And the thing about MS is that the symptoms are constantly changing, so what medication works this month may not work next month if anything changes. What does that mean? It means II better pray long and hard that there are no side effects from the new introduction of new medicine or withdrawal from the ceasing to take the old medicine.

The #1 KEY to taking all of this every day is MANAGEMENT, MANAGEMENT, MANAGEMENT. Strictly documenting everything, so that if I have some adverse effect, I can help to narrow down which one is causing it. And by adverse effect I mean nausea, fatique, grogginess, dizziness... I have to be able to function as well as possible, and I've had to build up a decent tolerance to each drug. And I have to responsibly monitor each medication to ensure that the tolerance stays at the right place, making TIME MANAGEMENT crucial.

Needless to say, I've spent the better part of 2011 being poked, prodded, tested, watched, and monitored. And thankfully, God is making everything come together just in time for the New Year... now do you soo why it's so important for me to get off on the right foot?

First things first: When you're struggling to climb out of a hole of depression, you can easily sink back further down before you realize it. I REFUSE to do that, so I am starting a crazy little thing for myself called: The Good Day Project. See, I am so scheduled in my own weird way that I can almost trick myself into following my own rules (yes, I know it's strange). In 2011, 15 out of 20 days were just low low low and I honestly had a hard time finding reasons to make them any higher.

2012 Solution: The Good Day Project
I have one of those little mini planner/calenders and I have already filled it up with so much inspiration! There are certain days each month that are designated to be GOOD DAYS, no matter WHAT HHAPPENS that day. So what does this mean? One of my problems stems from feeling overwhelmed a LOT of the time. I never used to get overwhelmed, but that's one of the biggest personality changes for me now, because the slightest change in plans can make me panic. On the designated GOOD DAYS, when I feel overwhelmed all I have to do is remind myself that I promised myself that I would have a good day that day, and if I let me down, what will all of the rest of the GOOD DAYS in the year mean?

Sounds simple, but to someone who's actively trying to make a normal life again, this is a BIG deal. The point is to start out with a few good days a month and gradually, as the year passes, I want to start to have more GOOD DAYS than bad until, at the end of the year, I have almost nothing but AWESOME DAYS. I know no one has good days every single say, so I'm planning for that. But the 2012 year will be a year of "Finding the new me, figuring out who I really am now, being normal again. I will never be the old Chelsea, and I can't go back in time. But I want to learn who I am now. And yes, brain lesions are brain trauma, which do cause personality changes. While I still have the same values and love, my interests, talents, needs, and wants have changed drastically.

  Now, I obviously don't want to be too optimistic so I'm starting out in January for one designated GOOD DAY each week. All of the other good days that run my way are bonus days. February, I start with two GOOD DAYS a week, and March goes to three and so on. The weird thing is, I found myself making little "rules" about which days could be designated as GOOD DAYS...

For example, Holidays don't count, because those are already good days in my book, because I get to spend time with people I love. Close friends and family member's birthdays don't count, because they're a given that they're going to be good, because I'm going to be trying to make that day special for them. Weekends don't count, because I'm also with people I love. Do you see the trend I made for myself, even though I didn't realize it at the time. My designated GOOD DAYS were only the days that I would be spending alone. And there lies my problem. Solution?

On the GOOD DAYS, I plan to do more than just make it "good." I plan to spend about an hour or two doing something that makes me happy that day, something that relaxes me that has nothing to do with stress. For me, it may be making a scrapbook page, painting, making jewelry, or even writing in my blog. I promise to keep you updated! When I realized that the GOOD DAYS were days that I was alone, I realized that I was starting something a little more important than just having a good day... I was starting a little project to spend some time on myself. I was starting an actual project for one year that I really want to finish. To me, it's more than just having a GOOD DAY... it's finding out what makes me happy again. I can't wait for the new year to begin! 
 

Not a Very Nice Chelsea...

Lately, I have been hearing random comments about my blogging habits. Something like, "If I am so sick, how can I blog and write so much?"  I have heard this over and over, and it is really starting aggravate me. Right now, I have 8 half written blog entries saved to my post list. Tomorrow, I may add a paragraph or two to an entry, IF it is a good day, I may add three paragraphs. By writing like this, at any given time I may have anywhere from 7-10 blogs entries half finished in my drafts. Sometimes I can't sleep so I write at 3 a.m., sometimes noon, sometimes 7 p.m., usually just whenever I can think clearly enough to make sense.

Then, when I finish with an entry, I schedule it to be submitted and posted at a time when when there is usually a lot of people on the computer or facebook. Then, when I send out the blog notification, I will only have to type it a few times rather than many times. I hardly ever post an entry  when I actually write it.  In other words, if my blog says that I wrote it at 3:45 p.m., and at 3:30 p.m. I had just told you that I was sick, there's a 99% chance that blog entry was written earlier in the day or even a few days before or the night before, and I had already scheduled it to be submitted at a later date. That does not mean that I lied about being sick or that I am avoiding anyone or faking anything...

This is just another one of those times where there really is more to the story than what is on the surface, and I do what I have to do to make sure that I can keep writing, even if it is at 3 a.m.

And, if anyone tries to call me and I don't answer, please send me a text or an e-mail, because I will most likely see those attempts first.  There are days where I don't speak well or the background noise is confusing, and I have gotten to the point where it is very difficult to talk on the phone quite often. If you do call and I don't answer and you don't want to text, the only thing I can tell you is call about 10 times. I do not answer my phone most of the time, and I know most of you do not understand that.

But if it was hard for you to speak and pronounce your words or if ANY background noise during phone calls, even a plastic bag rustling, left you in a fog for the rest of the day, you would truly get it. Click these links on Sensory Processing Disorder, and you can read all about it.

http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/adult-SPD-checklist.html

http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/sensory-processing-disorders.html


When we hang up the phone, you go back on with your normal day. For me, something just shuts down, and I can't explain why the phone does that to me. And it doesn't matter if it is a 30 second call or a 30 minute call. As a result, most of the time lately I have no idea where my phone even is. The sound of any ring used to bother my head, so I turned the ringer down to vibrate. Now, the sound of the vibration of the phone makes me feel like I am going to crawl right out of my skin, so I turn my phone on silent.

I don't want anyone to read this and think I'm speaking to you specifically, because I'm not. Lately, there just has been so many friends and relatives that complain constantly that I don't answer my phone but then I am well enough to blog. I hear it all the time from tons of people. Truth is, when I do have that time when my migraine isn't hurting too bad to think straight, I spend that little bit of time on myself. And what I mean is, I'm usually sitting in total silence, because I can tell you that the pain never lets my brain be silent for too long. When I'm not hurting for even an hour, that is the only time I can think totally straight.  I may write a blog, I may sit on the porch, I may lay down and enjoy the silence... I enjoy that rare time, but after spending all the hours before that in pain, I am selfishly not ready to give up that hour yet.

I finally have the house organized & clean for the most part, so any of you are more than welcome to visit during the day. Hey, you don't even have to call first... haha. (I'm joking about the call, but I do with you would e-mail or text, because I'd rather not be naked.)  I don't leave the house much, because everything in my house is comfortable. I would love to just have a presence in the house sometimes, even if we don't talk the whole time. But, it doesn't matter how mad anyone gets at me or how many people think I could do this different...  I promise, unless you have walked in these shoes, MY shoes, not someone else that has MS, not someone else with a similar disease, and NOT your shoes, but unless you have walked in MY shoes, you really don't understand.

Bottom line, I wake up in the pain. I walk in the pain. I hear the pain and I have such a keen sense of hearing that the sound of the hands moving on the clock in the hallway drives me crazy, so I took the battery out. Or the hands in my watch on the nightstand moving. I can't stand the windshield wipers being on. I can't stand the sound of the air on in the car. And the list goes on...

Anyone can waste their time being mad or upset or whatever but I promise, there is no one in this world that is more tired, sore, angry, exhausted, disappointed, aggravated, hurt, inconvenienced, and most of all impacted the most by this disease than YOURS TRULY. And to have to deal with all of the side effects of zillions of meds, physical pains, phantom pains, emotional distress, and chronic fatigue is absolutely draining. But I will tell you bluntly: You sure do give me that final kick I need to be flat on the floor when you add all of the snide comments and remarks about me not answering the phone. I know you care, but I'm finally at a point in my life where I can't kill myself trying to make everyone else happy all the time. I struggle with my own happiness often enough. I'm not telling anyone NOT to call, for I really love knowing that I have friends and family that care. I love all of you, and I wish I could see you more often, but I can't drive very far anymore. I miss you all, and yes I miss your voices too! All I'm asking is that you NOT to get angry with me about not answering the phone every single time. I do answer then I can, I promise! I just really don't think everyone truly grasps the severity of this disease, and honestly, I pray that you never will, even if you all always get angry with me about this stupid phone.

How about this: Open your skull and pour millions of fire ants on top of your brain and sew your skull back together and sit there while they sting and bite you millions and millions of times every day, all day long..

Then, with those fire ants setting your head on fire, go water skiing for three days straight, and add the FLU on top of that. Picture how that would feel every single day.......... Wait...I think your phone is ringing.                                                     Welcome to my wonderful world...