The Real TRUTH About How I Feel

You want the truth about how I really feel about this awful disease? Well here is the honest truth:

One thing I struggle with is accepting this fate: Multiple Sclerosis. For the most part, it appears to be going well, but I have nights, like last night that come out of no where where I fall apart. I lost everything in less than a year, my job, my friends, my Multiple sclerosis mentor and dear friend that died unexpectedly, my future, and all of my plans... they were all taken within a year. So, without even realizing it, I pushed away everything that I REALLY wanted, because it was like I unconsciously thought that if I didn't really want it anymore, then it wouldn't be taken from me, but if I wanted it, like I wanted my job, then it would be taken. 

But you don't have these thought processes and realize it, until that night when you put two and two together, OR when your husband does. He's right... When Bonnie died, it absolutely killed me, because she was not only one of my best friends, but she was the only person I confided in, because she had MS. If I told her about something that happened or something I felt, she had been through it too. So we formed a bond that couldn't be shaken... unless one of us died. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of her, and I can still cry at the drop of a hat. They say over time that it gets easier, but it hasn't yet. I can't even really think about her without falling apart.

Things with Scott and I are good, but I've selfishly kept him at an arms length away. It's like dying... for almost a year, I've been ok with it. If I were to have not woke up the next morning, I've told myself over and over that I would be ok with it, almost to convince myself. But the truth is, I WANT to be ok. I want to beat this. But what if I really try to fight it as hard as I can and then I find out that there's nothing that I can do and it's going to kill me? Something is a lot easier to take if you convince yourself that it's what you wanted in the first place. It's confusing, but you may understand. 

The worst symptom about this is my inability to manage my moods and my emotions. My doctor said that it is an effect of my lesions, but the depression has been awful over the past year. And I never hid it from my family or Scott or my best friends... I was taking an anti-depressant that I had a really bad reaction to that almost made me hallucinate, and I took it for months. I would cry all day every day and just almost watch myself from somewhere else. It was the worst thing I have ever been through in my life. I was diagnosed as being bipolar, but I wouldn't accept it, so I ignored the doctor and quit the meds cold turkey. After the effects wore off, I allowed my body to go back to normal for a few weeks. I wasn't bipolar anymore... it was the other meds! So, I started a different anti-depressant, and it works pretty well for the most part! If I had accepted the bipolar meds and taken them, I would be on another medicine that I don't need, and my doctor agreed. It's just trial and error. 

I think that once I accept this fate, then I will work on rebuilding. But I can't accept it overnight, or even in one year. I'm still in denial about it, and I hate it everyday and I want to go back in time. I used to be so responsible  in control, and I feel like I lost my entire identity and now I'm trying to find the other me. And I don't want to. As soon as I'm able to get out of this funk and start rebuilding my life, I will start my new chapter. Until then... it's day by day.

BEST book ever!

The Videos of Life... Enjoy!

Over the past day or so, I have shared with you the struggle I have been facing lately with Mrs. Bonnie. I've told you the good, the bad, and the sad. Today as I have sat here thinking about the words in my other posts, second guessing if I should have been so honest, I decided to send in a final entry today with more of an explanation through the songs of others. A final "Feeling Sorry For Myself" entry, so maybe you will truly get what she brought to my life. I have saved video after video and watch them over and over, each one reminding me of Mrs. Bonnie in some way. I am going to share them with you now...  Enjoy!

The first video is "Journey On" by Ty Herndon, featuring Kevin Turner. Mrs. Bonnie LOVED this song. As the preacher stated in her eulogy, she thought this song was written just for her. When we talked on the phone, she would tell me that whenever I had a really bad day and I felt like I just couldn't go on, listen to this song as I watch Kevin Turner in the video. This song was written for anyone who struggles, and I also claim this song as well... It hits home.  (This song was the last song played at her funeral and it covers me in chills each time I hear it.)

 Kevin Turner, who played eight seasons in the NFL for the New England Patriots and Philadelphia Eagles, has Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, otherwise known as ALS. Kevin and I both started this journey in the same month, May 2010, so he holds a precious place in my heart as well. Hearing his story and watching this video makes me thankful that God chose MS for me, because I don't know if I would be as strong as Kevin is.

But you know what? Think about my story and how I may appear to be so strong and tough at times, just as Kevin does, and remember that his dark nights are even darker than you could ever realize. The pain in his heart from his world being turned upside down must weigh heavier than we will ever know. Even if you haven't had the pleasure of meeting Kevin or especially if you have, head on over to his website by clicking the link below and send him a little message that he will be able to read that will brighten his day just a bit.

http://kevinturnerfoundation.org/

 You never know, today could be one of those hard days for him too. I know from my own experience that knowing someone took a few seconds to send you a few words of encouragement will mean the world to him! Also, please put him front and center in your prayers, because that's always number one!  When you are diagnosed with a disease and the doctor looks at you and says, "We don't know how your disease will progress, because it is different with everyone. You may or may not be in a wheelchair, but we can't predict that. We just have to wait and see." When you hear this, there is something that comes alive inside you, a desire to fight. Now you often fight yourself, but you also learn to fight hard against this invisible demon... We are all fighters. I hope this video pulls at your heart... then listen to what it tells you. This is powerful. (Don't forget to come back and watch the other videos!

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HUYF8wFchI&ob=av2n

The second song is by Whitney Houston and the song is called "I Look To You."  I will never forget the first time I heard this song, because I thought her voice was so powerful and smooth, and I couldn't help but stop what I was doing and listen to every sound. I think this is a very beautiful song, and this was how I felt about Mrs. Bonnie... Now, This is my song with God. Losing Mrs. Bonnie has forced me to LOOK TO GOD for guidance. This song gives me chills every time I hear it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Pze_mdbOK8&ob=av3e

The next song is so so special to me for one special reason... You know when you get married and you say the "I Do" part? As in the usual, "I Do" promise to love you through sickness and in health til death do us part? Well, when my special husband said his "I Do," he also silently said every single word in this next song. He continues to say it through his actions each day as he walks in from work, just by going through this tiring journey with me.  Several times, Mrs. Bonnie told me that her husband, Mr. Donald, did the same for her. Her exact words were, "When my husband said "In sickness and in health." boy he sure meant those words, and he's been right by my side from day one!"  If that doesn't tell you how much she appreciated and loved him, and also how incredibly much he loves her, I don't know what will. Now you can hear those words...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4fqPcnuVPR8&ob=av2n


And for the final song, a little bit more upbeat. I have told you several times that Mrs. Bonnie was a little bitty lady with a powerful presence. When I was a whiny baby to her, wimpering about how bad I felt, she gave me all she had. She gave me her support, her love, and her own personal story with MS. What she did NOT give me was Pity, nor did I ask that of her. She was the one who told me that I better get to living now, while I still can use the health I do have. This is probably the song that reminds me of her the most, and the most listened to song of mine. This song encourages me, and I cannot even tell you how "Mrs. Bonnie" this song is...  Every bit of advice in this song passed through her lips at least once during our long conversations!  She's STILL telling me this advice everyday in the words she left me with~! This is the song that keeps me going and I love it!!  Pay attention to the second verse... It is the most accurate.   ENJOY!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2PZNth9UUOk

Now with an ending as positive as that, I'm gonna get to living now... First things first: Unloading the Dishwasher. Ugh.
Until Our Next Therapy Time...

Make Up and Mud Boutique... OPEN for business!

Hello Everyone!!

Before I wrote this, I asked God to guide my hands and my heart... just to let you know.

Well, here it is, the BIG announcement I have been waiting to write. For those of you who do not know, I have been on a leave from work using FMLA leave since April 7, 2011.  And not this past Monday but the last, I sent in my resignation and officially was no longer an employee of ADFS due to medical problems, which is of course Multiple Sclerosis. While I am so heartbroken that I no longer will be able to work with my husband, I have been given a new opportunity by the great man himself, GOD.

First of all, before I start I want to mention that I left on great terms, and I have the utmost respect for my previous bosses, Director Michael Sparks and Deputy Director Rod Kennette. Those wonderful men worked with my medical issues and tried constantly to accomodate my medical issues right down to the last day. I am grateful for their support, and I will continue to maintain a wonderful learning relationship with everyone with the Alabama Department of Forensic Sciences through my husband and the open invitation to luncheon festivities. Sandra Webster, a close friend of both Scott and myself, should also be mentioned highly, as she has had to devote a surreal amount of time to ironing out every kink or nitch that we have encountered through medical insurance, aflac, name changes, and anything personnel oriented. Thank you to ALL, and I appreciate how much you have helped us!

(AGAIN) SHATTERED DREAMS AND BRAND NEW SCHEMES

It took me a while to figure out what I was going to do about my job, because most days I have a rough time driving, and my MS is completely unpredictable. So, due to the fact that I had and continue to have no income at all, I knew I had to figure out what I needed to do about that tiny trainwreck. I have had some lengthy conversations with God about my new career path, and I have tried my best to listen to His answers and His guidance (and put my bossy nature aside).

I really enjoy crafty projects, and I own more materials than should ever be allowed in one home. I could spend hours in craft stores, and if I had the money to do that, I surely would!  I had to do a project in college about my career path, and I had two goals that I focused on: I wanted to do autopsies for forensics and I wanted to own my own business. Well, I have already done one of those options in the short time I have been on the career road. And I just had to talk with God to see if he was in my corner about the whole business deal. And He is.


I have spent most of my "good" days while I have been off work experimenting in almost every aspect of crafting (when I wasn't sleeping or groggily tripping around the house). I have tried, failed, tried, succeeded, gotten frustrated, slept, screamed, thrown a LOT away, destroyed the house, practiced, and most of all PRAYED. As my time of FMLA leave was winding down, I knew I had to make a BIG decision: I decided to follow the doctors orders and turn in my resignation. Next, I decided that I was going to start my own online boutique. (Exhale) The new name of my venture is:

Make Up and Mud Boutique


So, I bet you are wondering where the crazy name, "Make Up and Mud" comes from? Well, you can thank my observant husband for that one. I was trying to come up with a name for my store, and I had the usual ideas, "Chelsea's Creations" or "Belton's Beauties," but none of those names seemed to stand out and 'make a lasting impression'. I wanted a name that you just couldn't forget to remember! (That just sounds wierd.)

So, Scott called me one day and said, "I got it! I have a name for you: 'Make Up and Mud'." Of course, my curiously was piqued as to where he came up with this crazy name, and this is what he said:
             You are made up of so many different elements. Sometimes you like to be prissy and all 'dolled up" with your make up on, everything perfectly in place.  Then, in a blink of an eye, you have on your holey torn jeans, and you are out in the yard covered in mud, dirt underneath your nails, no trace of make up in sight. So, I came up with a combination name to describe you and your work: "Make Up and Mud." 

And that's where the name for my boutique came from!

I have to add a silly little comment he made also, to let you know a little bit about my personality if you do not know me very well (yet). I say "yet," because if you keep reading my blog and you travel through my journeys with me, you will see how completely random and complex I am, but most of all, you will truly know me. I pour my heart out in these posts, because from the beginning I decided I would hold nothing back. It is refreshing to my heart to bear my soul to the world, because not only do I get ideas and troubles off my chest, but I also create the ability to help someone who may feel like they may be alone in their wierd and unique thinking. You're not, I promise. I wish someone had been as open as I try to be, because for so many people, the life they display to the world is not the life they truly lead. 

Too often look at others and their lives and think, "I wish I could be like them, because they have their lives so 'together' and perfect." Wrong. They are just as clueless as you and I, and this I promise. I also promise to let you know who I truly am, so that you will feel a bit of relief in knowing there is someone a little more crazy and confused than you are, and also so you will not be surprised if I trip on a stumbling block along my way. It will happen. It is inevitable. That's life.

But by letting you into my life ahead of time, I now have faith that you all will be there to grab my arms and pick me up. I know you will if you are one of the wonderful people who read my blog faithfully.  I trust you, and you can safely trust that I will do the same for you also. Now I'm stepping OFF this soapbox... 

Oh, yes... I was going to tell you about a silly comment Scott made one day. In a few short words, I will describe my personality: I am sarcastic, and I have a short fuse on my temper. Gasp!... me? Unfortunately. Please take comfort in knowing that I am learning to control it by turning to God in times when Scott makes me angry... oops, I mean, in times when I get angry. I am random, and I am bad about bottling up and concealing my angry feelings until I can sort them out, and then long after the issue has passed, I will "strike" when you least expect it. Yet another bad trait that I am working on. I have tomboy features, but I love to feel beautiful and elegant, as every woman deserves to feel from time to time, preferably quite often.  

One day, I had gotten all "glamoured" up in the bathroom, getting ready to go somewhere with Scott, but I was stewing over something he did that made me angry, probably days after the actual occurance or comment was made. After I was dolled up and ready to go, I saw my moment to "strike" and surprise him with my unexpected sarcastic attack. In his moment of desperation and confusion, he made one of the most profound comments in our relationship. I don't think anyone has ever explained my personality as well as he did in that moment.

Instead of responding to my selfish behavior with anger, he smiled and said, "You know what you are? You are just like a 'RATTLESNAKE IN A PROM DRESS!'"

I stood there stunned, but I was glowing inside. One of my selfish pleasures is to hear someone take the time to watch and learn me closely enough to accurately describe me. And he, in his own way, had just told me I was beautiful and feisty, a combination I carry with pride now. That's me, the Ole 'Rattlesnake in a Prom Dress.'    Gosh I love that man... and he loves me quite a bit too!


Okay okay, back to my Boutique...

Driving issues and MS symptoms are much more manageable when I am home, because I am comfortable and I have everything I need here. I knew that I couldn't open my own business away from the house, because that would require me driving everyday, defeating the purpose of me resigning in the first place. So, I googled and researched different options as I experimented with new ideas. I read literally hundreds of articles and watched hundreds of tutorials to try to learn everything I could about different ways to run, start, plan, own, etc, a craft business. 

The first thing I had to do was narrow down the craft arena choices to a few specialties that continuously grabbed my attention and held my focus. Any my focusing abilities are weak to say the least, a trait Adderall could never repair.


So the areas that I am focusing on are: decorative wooden boxes and jewelry boxes through creative woodworking, and decorations throughout the house. The new term is "Upcycling," where you find used and discarded furniture and "Upcycle" it by giving it a brand new look or purpose. (I also have brand new items, but I love to make an unwanted item a "Must-Have!"  While those creations are wonderful when completed, they are indeed time consuming, so I had to find an avenue that would supply an income in the meantime while I worked on those items. There I found my true love:  Designing Jewelry.


I LOVE designing jewelry. I'm not talking about just buying beads from the store, because I became bored with that really fast. I'm talking about designing my own pendants and beads with polymer clay, resin, wire, wood, etc... all of the above. Painting a clay design that I created myself and turning it into a glamorous pendant is so fulfilling for me! I LOVE every minute of it. I have slowly grown my bead collection to a size that is amazing to me, considering I can count how many times I have been out of the house. I am constantly grateful for the generous people who gather up their jewelry and beads that may have broken or become outdated to give them to me to take apart and "UPCYCLE." Mrs. Tracy Autrey send me a HUGE collection yesterday, and I love the new additions for me to meddle through! You would be surprised how many ways you can make a necklace!

Also, as soon as I found a good dealer in China for jewelry hardware, I was able to skip the craft store mark-ups in the US and buy my materials straight from the dealer, which cut down on that cost. Early on, I was amazed at how expensive certain tools are when they are created, designed, and marketed for a specific craft. When your income is gone and your medical bills are growing each day, the idea to buy polymer clay sculpting tools doesn't tend to sit well for your husband at dinner.

So, I did what I do best: I got creative. I researched numerous tools and their purposes, and I started a scavenger hunt around my house to see what I could use that I already had. Instead of paying $35+ for basic new pottery scultping tools, I bought a teeny tiny miniature screwdriver set for eyeglasses repairs at the dollar store with like 14 new screwdrivers with different shaped ends. I also pulled out my Halloween Decor box, and I "upcycled" my brand new 10 piece pumpkin carving kit that I purchased for $1 after Halloween last year. Scott graciously let me scavenger through his "fly fishing tying kit" to find new tools also. 

In the past, I was a girl living on her own, and the tiny pink tool kits gifted to me by worried relatives have sat unused in my drawer (FYI: I have a real MAN tool box thank you very much). I finally opened those miniature tools to use for sculpting also. I found my 101 pc cookie cutter set that I purchased from Wally World for $10 several years ago, and scoured through Izzy's Barbie and Polly Pocket collection and found the perfect tiny roller to roll out the clay. While I still need a pasta roller, this will do for now.

When I read that I needed a specific solution so help smooth out the clay, I googled DIY options and found that Alcohol works just the same. I searched our kitchen cabinets and my melon ball maker is now the perfect tool for round clay balls. Last but not least, I needed to bake the clay. We received a wonderful toaster oven as a wedding gift, but baking polymer clay is not very smell friendly, and I didn't really want my cinnamon toast to smell like a clay pendant.

So one afternoon when Scott and I were driving down the road, he saw a sign that said,"Free, come and get it" with an open truck trailer behind it. Of course, we HAD to stop so I would stop shrieking. There I found my new polymer clay toaster oven in perfect condition and two wooden chair/benches to go with my table/desk in my craft room.  The people who set out that stuff were probably peering out of their house windows saying, "Those poor people! They probably don't have anything." Oh well, I got what I needed, and God provided what I wanted as well. God is so cool, huh? I now have a HUGE collection much more diverse than the tools in any old craft store and any sculptor would be envious...

As far as jewelry goes, the tools for that are also crazy expensive, and you need oodles of different types and sizes of pliers. On the way to my doctors appointment in Cullman in May, I asked my mom to stop at Old Tyme Pottery, and I bought a complete set of like 10 different pliers for $4.99 that were designed for making small floral arrangements. Scott did buy me some crimping pliers and micro needlenose pliers, but those were a "must". I was getting blisters on my hands from my old needlenose pliers and I do not have the strength in my hands anymore to grip regular pliers to crimp my beads correctly. With my new crimping tool, I can do this effortlessly!


While I still have quite a few more tools and "machines" to purchase before I can do everything I want to do, I know those will be provided in time.  I scour craigslist everyday, even though the money isn't there quite yet. I want to know how to quickly check certain areas, so that when the money IS there in the future, I can find my ultimate prize: a kiln (I want one SO bad!) 

 I'm still experimenting with polymer clay and sculpting beads, and I am thankful to have learned ways to be creative due to a much lower family income! Unfortunately, as with any new learning experience, I have only just recently begun to create items that I could sell, so I have yet to upload those pictures... but they are coming soon!

I feel like I have a creative purpose now that I have new dreams and new goals. I probably set my goals a lot higher than everyone else does, but that makes me push myself. I know at my old job, I always held myself to much higher standards than my supervisor ever did. And you know what? I'm not scared to say that I was actually truly good at what I put my mind to there.


In conclusion, here comes the whole truth, for honestly I write this because I need something from you. Something I am trusting you to do for me, because I know that if you are taking the time to read this, you must care at least in some little way. I'm relying on you to not let down, ok?


What I am asking you for is this: I really need you to... PRAY FOR ME.   Yep, that's what I need you to do. I don't think I've ever wanted or needed anything as much as I need that from you right now at this point in my life. God is amazing, and I know without a doubt that God listens whole heartedly to each and every single prayer. He continues to work wonders in my life each day, and I would like for Him to answer your prayers about me and my boutique too. Just in case you don't exactly know what to pray for or how to, I'll fill you in on a few specific requests I have. But, I'm sure I will forget something important, so feel free to make your own Make Up and Mud Boutique Prayer canvas... you are the artist, you own your prayers, and please throw in a little something about yourself too. And when you say amen, tilt your head sideways in a quirky little way and say, "DONE!" and know that your prayer is already answered! 

My Specific Prayer Requests

* Pray that each morning God will provide me with the ability to focus and that He will accurately channel my energy towards my Boutique and what needs to be done each day.
*Pray that I can keep my house in an organized order as I try to keep the items from my boutique from overflowing and creating mental clutter in our lives.
*Pray that business picks up and God allows me to generate enough income to contribute the income necessary to cover my medical bills, monthly prescriptions, and necessary bills.
*Pray that I always have a generous giving heart and that I listen to when God shows me someone who needs a helping hand that day.
*Pray that God gives me the energy and determination to find true fulfillment with my work, and that he keeps my Multiple Sclerosis symptoms at bay as I try to start this new journey.
*Pray that I always have a creative heart and that my new creations will be used for HIS glory.
*Pray that my new creations and designs touch the lives of many people, and that this new part of my life gives me a purpose and a way to combat the pain that MS brings each day.
*Pray that I have the ability to create unique work that will make my shop stand out from millions of others that are so similar and that the inspiration for my work is present and evident always.
*Pray that friends and family will remember to say these prayers and will share the news of my opening online boutique with hundreds of others to bring me business!
*Pray that I have an endless desire to learn new techniques and tricks.

And last but not least, I'm going to include a personal mildly selfish prayer:
*Pray that I can get my new creations printed in at least one magazine to receive a high volume of advertising! (Personal wish!)

Now if you sincerely pray these prayers that I have asked of you, there is no way that God will not answer them to allow me to do His will.  I've been talking with him continuously to ensure that this journey is what He planned for me, because without his help, I will surely fail. But with His help, I can move mountains and make a difference to thousands of people. I want to use my boutique not only to create an income for my family where we currently struggle, but I want to make a difference.

I want to start from here on out living a life with purpose, and when I am 85 years old, I want to look back and know that I followed my heart, listened to God, brought other people to Him, and made someone else's life better.

At the end of this entry, I will include some pictures of the items I have created. I have many more items in the works, but I want to give you an idea of where I am starting from. And I'm growing with new ideas each day! I apologize early on for the pictures that are crooked and turned sideways, as I am not computer wonderful and I honestly cannot figure out how to turn them once they are uploaded.

The characteristics listed earlier in my prayers are just a few of the wonderful lessons that my Precious Mrs. Bonnie taught me when I had her with me. Although she is most definitely bouncing all around in heaven right now, having wonderful conversations with the angels (I am SO envious, because I know it is a beautiful sight!), I still have her heart with mine. She was a bossy little lady, and I needed her to be bossy with me when I wouldn't let myself be bossed around by anyone. She was thrilled about my new boutique, and she believed in me. And she made me believe in me too. In her final words in the last e-mail that she sent me: "Let go and Let God." Mrs. Bonnie, I am.

Thank you for your love and support,
Chel

makeupandmud@yahoo.com