The Dark Days and Mrs. Bonnie

Hello Everyone... I have procrastinated writing this blog post since the end of June. Every time I sit down to write, I am overcome with so many emotions, and I fear that I will never be able to say the right words to show you what God has placed on my heart. So, before I started writing, I asked God to guide my fingers, so that my words emit love, quidance, undestanding, and peace for all who read this. He has done this for me continuously throughout this journey.

My sweet Mrs. Bonnie Robinson, my Multiple Sclerosis mentor, life lessons counselor, honest and true friend, and keeper of my secret fears unexpectedly passed away. While we do not know the exact cause of her death, we do not believe that "Multiple Sclerosis" took her life, for she was doing her most favorite activity: Swimming and getting the wonderful tan she always had. She loved to swim, because it kept her active and it gave her a good reason to get out of the house. Her awesome tan was one that any woman would envy!

I wrote a previous blog entry that included informtion about my past with Mrs. Bonnie, called, "Life... Totally Not Going As Planned"  if you would like to read more about this sweet lady.

While trying to decide what angle to use to approach this post, I decided I would write about the wonderful blessing Mrs. Bonnie was and will continue to be in my life, how this tragedy has impacted my spirit, and ways I'm dealing with my own grief. I hope this will positively impact at least one person who reads it, and my wish is that everyone will truly understand what a wonderful amazing lady heaven enjoys now!

Please keep in mind, especially if you were also close to Mrs. Bonnie, that my experience as her friend may differ from the relationship you had with her. God sent her to me to fulfill a purpose, and that she did. But the Mrs. Bonnie I love and trusted may cover different angles of memories than you have, so I'm truly writing about the Mrs. Bonnie I knew and what our own personal relationship was like.

Mrs. Bonnie came into my life through my dear friend Dawna Robinson. Dawna is married to Grant, Mrs. Bonnie's oldest son. I did not even meet Mrs. Bonnie until March 2010 at Dawna's bridal shower, and I briefly remember seeing her at their Luau Couples Shower in April 2010. I also remember seeing her at the wedding later that month, but as a bridesmaid, I was more worried about my high heels sinking in the soggy mud when I headed down the rainy outside "aisle" than I was about trying to make friends with Dawna's new mother-in-law.

I remember Dawna telling me around that time that Mrs. Bonnie had Multiple Sclerosis, but at that particular point in my life, the news went in one ear and out the other quickly. At that time, I knew I had a sleeping disorder, but I had no idea that my life would soon become entangled in a web of aches, Bengay, and Multiple Sclerosis. I do remember one event that happened at the Luau Party that I am now so incredibly ashamed to admit, but I will tell you about it, because if it will make you rethink your actions in the future, I'm doing my job well.

At the couples shower, Mrs. Bonnie sat at the kitchen table for most of the entire party. She talked and laughed with everyone who stopped to talk, but I remember wondering why she didn't get up and mingle as a mother-in-law should do, according to the imaginary rules written in the "Imaginary superficial Wedding Rule Book." I also remember admiring her awesome tan and eyeing her stylish whitish blond color hair with envy. I remember thinking, "Man, Grant as a pretty hot mom!"

(Here is the part I am ashamed to admit.) I remember standing there in the kitchen in my brand new pink and white dress, sporting the newest must have Victoria Secret Bombshell Bra, and prancing around in my black high heels without a care in the world. Soon, Mrs. Bonnie and her husband, Mr. Donald, started to tell everyone "Goodbye" and when she got up, I saw her first limp. Then I watched her walk slowly across the room with her cane, obviously struggling with the stiffness and pain from sitting all evening. And in my selfish mind I thought, "Oh, that's a shame. She WAS so beautiful until I saw her struggling to walk."  In my mind, she no longer fit the criteria I had made up to be beautiful..... You know, the sexy swaying walk, the confident steps taken in glamorous heels... The usual.

And you know what, God definitely heard my shallow thoughts. Yes, He heard my superficial and conceited thoughts loud and clear. God decided that He would teach me to be a good person and help me to see the real meaning and values in life. He would make me see what should always be most important, and that it definitely was not the strutting around in the black stilettos I wore on my feet that night, the same shoes that are now collecting dust on the back of my closet door, because that was the last time I ever wore them.

Ironic? No, it was planned by God. God decided he would teach me how to live a Godly, Christ-like life... and He chose the random lady that I had that horrible thought about to be the teacher that would save my life in the next year. You may think that God doesn't hear your thoughts, but I am SO incredibly thankful that He heard mine that night. I now realize that the sweet lady who took those steps, my sweet Mrs. Bonnie, only became more beautiful with each step she took across the room. Because of her, I now know how to look for real beauty.

A little about Mrs. Bonnie's life:
                   When I was trying to find words to describe Mrs. Bonnie, I thought of the usual words you would use to describe someone you love: gentle, comforting, etc. As I looked a little closer, I realized that Mrs. Bonnie was indeed very comforting to me when it seemed that I couldn't find a soft place to land anywhere. But, Mrs. Bonnie was NOT gentle with me. haha... She spoke her mind to me, even when she knew it would hurt, and she had a tone in her voice that would make you do what she said (When she said it!) . In her approach was where I found my comfort.

The other words I thought of to describe her are below:

Words Describing	Mrs. Bonnie Robinson
Passionate	Dainty
Dependable	Protective
Inspiring	Abrasive
Determined	Sympathetic
Poignant	Respectful
Logical	Mentor
Loving	Humble
Influential	Messenger
Priceless	Motherly
Real	Soothing
Invigorating	Confident
Consistent	Refreshing

I'm nowhere near a computer genius, so the large size of this table is going to have to stay that way, because I can't figure out how to make it smaller. I usually click on the corners, but this was as small as it would go...

Anyway, those are Mrs. Bonnie's words for how I knew her, heard her and love her.

In late May 2010, I had a Cluster Headache that landed me in the Emergency Room, and I lost the sight in my right eye for a few weeks. The ER doctor threw around a few causes, Multiple Sclerosis being one of them. For someone addicted to GOOGLE as I am, I looked up all of the possible causes, and I saw that I fit the criteria for Multiple Sclerosis quite well.  I didn't know anyone with MS, but I remembered that Dawna had told that was what Mrs. Bonnie had, so I sent her a friend request on facebook asking her for a little information.

From that moment on, she became my "Midnight Friend" and I became hers. I can't describe to you what she gave and will always continue to give me or what she brought into my life, because no words can describe it. She came swiftly, and she left swiftly.


To be honest with you, everything written above was written the week of her death. I edited certain parts tonight to be in the present tense, but I haven't had it in me to finish this entry until now. From this moment on, I'm writing for RIGHT NOW.

This has been a rough week. Truthfully, the past month has been quite "iffy." Well, it has been more of a "may be" month. I "may be" fine one minute, then I "may be" crying about Mrs. Bonnie the next. I can't even begin to describe the pain that I am in right at this very moment. My heart is broken, and I thought for sure that God would have given me peace by now. I can't blame God though, because I have continuously struggled with being leaning on Him during this time.

From the very minute I found out about Mrs. Bonnie, I have refused to be angry with God. I knew from the beginning that road was a dead end, because God does indeed have a plan for me still. One day, I was laying in the bed at about 2 p.m. and I hadn't even stepped a foot out of the bed all day, much less out of the room. I think I laid in the bed until about 7 p.m. that night, only getting up to go to the bathroom. I slept on and off throughout the day, but mostly I was in a daze, just about as low spirited as I have ever been. Scott brought my medicine in to me and I took it, but even he hadn't seen me at this point, so there wasn't really much he could do or say.

I remember sitting up in the bed, and I just told him that I was tired. Tired of fighting this disease, tired of missing out, tired of hurting each and every day, all day long, tired of the headaches and muscle pain, tired of the chronic migraine every minute of each day. I was just tired.

And for the first time I was honest with him. I will now be honest with you.

I told Scott that I don't believe in suicide, and honestly the line between suicide and going to heaven is so foggy for me that I don't want to "think" I'm going to heaven and take a chance in doing one thing that could jeopardize that. So, I told him that he didn't have anything to worry about as far as that was concerned. Then I told him that didn't mean every single night when I climbed into bed that I didn't let God know that it was ok if He decided to take me that night. I told him I wasn't scared to die anymore, and if one day he rolls over and God answered that prayer, I wanted him to know that I was ok with it. I told him that I didn't think your heart will physically continue to beat if you feel this much pain inside it for a long period of time. At some point, I think it just stops.

His response was exactly right: All he said was, "This is the stuff you need to write in your blog. Not how great you are or how great you are dealing with ths diagnosis. If you truly want to help someone else who may be in this position too, like Mrs. Bonnie helped you, you need to tell them the truth." And he was right.

The truth is, for months I was dealing with the diagnosis okay. But, something inside me snapped when Mrs. Bonnie died, and sometimes I truly don't know how I will ever have the energy to fight this forever. I'm at the point where I am bitter and angry about it. I'm pretty much bitter and angry at everyone to tell you the truth.. I'm angry that I have to deal with this. I'm angry that I have to feel this pain that is invisible to others. I'm angry that my mom and dad can't make this better for me like everything else. And I'm angry that I have to do it without Mrs. Bonnie.

I had one single person in this entire world that felt the pain physically that I do everyday. One person that could feel what I was talking about. One person who, in some special way, made it ok for me to be sick, because if she could do it then I could too. And I'm angry that the one person I had is gone. I was so lost before she died, but she held me up. How can I not want to talk to hardly anyone in the world for days but I just want to go sit at her grave and talk to her for hours?

I know I have to keep it together, but I am really starting to let this diagnosis sink in. So, for all of those people who were so proud of me for having such a great attitude about it, I'm so sorry to let you down. I wish my heart didn't hurt so bad. It's almost a physical pain, on top of the others, a constriction in the center of my chest that just squeezes and creates a real pain. Am I depressed? Of course, who wouldn't be? Actually, the lesions on my brain also cause depression. Do I know how to deal with this? Not a clue.

I am so tired of everyone giving me advice and tips and telling me what I should do or what they would do, but where are all those people when I need them to help me carry out this advice. Scott is a husband of someone who has a chronic illness and could care less if I wake up tomorrow morning. I can't tell you how many times I've been in the middle of doing something normal, like cooking dinner, and I'll stumble and the next thing I know I'm on my knees, screaming at the top of my lungs at nothing in particular, just out of frustration and pain and Scott just silently comes in and wraps his arms around me and lets me cry and cry. And I'm angry that he has to deal with the pain too.

I know when you get married, you always look forward to spending time with your new spouse. But, we never had that newlywed phase. We've had doctor visits, HUGE medical bills, I had to resign from work, decreased income and increased prescription bills, a death of a close friend, etc... What else? So when I climb into bed at night, I always scoot over close to him, and he always wraps his arm around me. At that moment, I feel so peaceful. It is the only time when I can feel his warmth, and I know that he understands and he's in this with me forever. I'm thankful for him. More than he knows.

Now, I have poured our my heart to you. I've cried this whole entry. I miss my Mrs. Bonnie, and my heart hurts so bad right now. I know God has a plan for my life, and I guess his current plan is for me to be a wife, which I am not quite mastering I assume. I want to fulfill His purpose. I want to be able to look at old pictures from my life from before I was sick, and not feel so much anger. I want to be happy again and look forward to leaving the house. I know God hears my prayers, and I am comforted by that. But, I still wish I could go crawl in the bed with Mrs. Bonnie and snuggle up next to her while she holds me and tells me that it's going to get better in time. I know you don't understand, and it's ok. I just hope someone out there that may also be hurting can find a little comfort knowing they're not completely in the dark, because it's darker than you could ever imagine when you feel like that.

Here are some pics of Mrs. Bonnie

Not a Very Nice Chelsea...

Lately, I have been hearing random comments about my blogging habits. Something like, "If I am so sick, how can I blog and write so much?"  I have heard this over and over, and it is really starting aggravate me. Right now, I have 8 half written blog entries saved to my post list. Tomorrow, I may add a paragraph or two to an entry, IF it is a good day, I may add three paragraphs. By writing like this, at any given time I may have anywhere from 7-10 blogs entries half finished in my drafts. Sometimes I can't sleep so I write at 3 a.m., sometimes noon, sometimes 7 p.m., usually just whenever I can think clearly enough to make sense.

Then, when I finish with an entry, I schedule it to be submitted and posted at a time when when there is usually a lot of people on the computer or facebook. Then, when I send out the blog notification, I will only have to type it a few times rather than many times. I hardly ever post an entry  when I actually write it.  In other words, if my blog says that I wrote it at 3:45 p.m., and at 3:30 p.m. I had just told you that I was sick, there's a 99% chance that blog entry was written earlier in the day or even a few days before or the night before, and I had already scheduled it to be submitted at a later date. That does not mean that I lied about being sick or that I am avoiding anyone or faking anything...

This is just another one of those times where there really is more to the story than what is on the surface, and I do what I have to do to make sure that I can keep writing, even if it is at 3 a.m.

And, if anyone tries to call me and I don't answer, please send me a text or an e-mail, because I will most likely see those attempts first.  There are days where I don't speak well or the background noise is confusing, and I have gotten to the point where it is very difficult to talk on the phone quite often. If you do call and I don't answer and you don't want to text, the only thing I can tell you is call about 10 times. I do not answer my phone most of the time, and I know most of you do not understand that.

But if it was hard for you to speak and pronounce your words or if ANY background noise during phone calls, even a plastic bag rustling, left you in a fog for the rest of the day, you would truly get it. Click these links on Sensory Processing Disorder, and you can read all about it.

http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/adult-SPD-checklist.html

http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/sensory-processing-disorders.html


When we hang up the phone, you go back on with your normal day. For me, something just shuts down, and I can't explain why the phone does that to me. And it doesn't matter if it is a 30 second call or a 30 minute call. As a result, most of the time lately I have no idea where my phone even is. The sound of any ring used to bother my head, so I turned the ringer down to vibrate. Now, the sound of the vibration of the phone makes me feel like I am going to crawl right out of my skin, so I turn my phone on silent.

I don't want anyone to read this and think I'm speaking to you specifically, because I'm not. Lately, there just has been so many friends and relatives that complain constantly that I don't answer my phone but then I am well enough to blog. I hear it all the time from tons of people. Truth is, when I do have that time when my migraine isn't hurting too bad to think straight, I spend that little bit of time on myself. And what I mean is, I'm usually sitting in total silence, because I can tell you that the pain never lets my brain be silent for too long. When I'm not hurting for even an hour, that is the only time I can think totally straight.  I may write a blog, I may sit on the porch, I may lay down and enjoy the silence... I enjoy that rare time, but after spending all the hours before that in pain, I am selfishly not ready to give up that hour yet.

I finally have the house organized & clean for the most part, so any of you are more than welcome to visit during the day. Hey, you don't even have to call first... haha. (I'm joking about the call, but I do with you would e-mail or text, because I'd rather not be naked.)  I don't leave the house much, because everything in my house is comfortable. I would love to just have a presence in the house sometimes, even if we don't talk the whole time. But, it doesn't matter how mad anyone gets at me or how many people think I could do this different...  I promise, unless you have walked in these shoes, MY shoes, not someone else that has MS, not someone else with a similar disease, and NOT your shoes, but unless you have walked in MY shoes, you really don't understand.

Bottom line, I wake up in the pain. I walk in the pain. I hear the pain and I have such a keen sense of hearing that the sound of the hands moving on the clock in the hallway drives me crazy, so I took the battery out. Or the hands in my watch on the nightstand moving. I can't stand the windshield wipers being on. I can't stand the sound of the air on in the car. And the list goes on...

Anyone can waste their time being mad or upset or whatever but I promise, there is no one in this world that is more tired, sore, angry, exhausted, disappointed, aggravated, hurt, inconvenienced, and most of all impacted the most by this disease than YOURS TRULY. And to have to deal with all of the side effects of zillions of meds, physical pains, phantom pains, emotional distress, and chronic fatigue is absolutely draining. But I will tell you bluntly: You sure do give me that final kick I need to be flat on the floor when you add all of the snide comments and remarks about me not answering the phone. I know you care, but I'm finally at a point in my life where I can't kill myself trying to make everyone else happy all the time. I struggle with my own happiness often enough. I'm not telling anyone NOT to call, for I really love knowing that I have friends and family that care. I love all of you, and I wish I could see you more often, but I can't drive very far anymore. I miss you all, and yes I miss your voices too! All I'm asking is that you NOT to get angry with me about not answering the phone every single time. I do answer then I can, I promise! I just really don't think everyone truly grasps the severity of this disease, and honestly, I pray that you never will, even if you all always get angry with me about this stupid phone.

How about this: Open your skull and pour millions of fire ants on top of your brain and sew your skull back together and sit there while they sting and bite you millions and millions of times every day, all day long..

Then, with those fire ants setting your head on fire, go water skiing for three days straight, and add the FLU on top of that. Picture how that would feel every single day.......... Wait...I think your phone is ringing.                                                     Welcome to my wonderful world...

Shattered Dreams and BRAND NEW SCHEMES!

Well, Hello to ALL of my super special blog readers! (And, yes I do realize that my blog is overwhelmingly followed by a grand total of TWO people). So, you don't have to point that out to me, thank you...

I hope that each and every one of you two faithful readers finds yourself in good company tonight... See now doesn't that approach make me sound so.... sweet?  Like the eerily cheerful Michelle Obama, with her "I don't even know how to spell 'ATTITUDE'" sweetness? She makes me look like a demonic witch.  I don't know why but it irritates me that she is always so freakin nice and in such a good mood ALL   THE    TIME... with the SAME smile. And you know what I'm talking about ladies... We all have numerous smiles for every occasion, ready to pull the perfect one out at just the right time. Not Michelle. She's always just so... following.

   See what I mean? Ugh.

 Ok, I have to quit, because I'm just cracking myself up.  Lately, I catch myself laughing all the time at myself. You know what that is called: Sudden Twenty-Something Dilusion Syndrome. And, that's right, I think I have it.

Now if you google this phenomenon, and you are impressed by the hundreds of articles published about the unfortunate symptoms of this illness, PLEASE let me know, because I totally thought I made it up.

May has been a month of personal transition for me. Nothing major, just the fact that I feel like my entire life has changed completely, therefore transforming me into a person even I don't recognize some days. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, because I think that I have matured and found myself...kinda. I never really realized how much real precious time I was wasting before I was sick. I got up each morning and got dressed and felt nothing. I drove to work and slaved away and drove myself home each night... and felt nothing. I made detailed organized plans for my future, and set milestones all the time and... God was laughing at me. Then one day, He must have thought that I had wasted just about enough time being selfish, so he took my life and He did to me what can only be described as this: He Re-Hatched Me with a Brand New Set of Morals and Values.

God gave me a second chance through Multiple Sclerosis, a second chance to learn how what truly is most important in life. Best of all, God taught me to be THANKFUL, for just about everything. I no longer fret about my high heels matching or my make-up looking beautiful, for now I am thankful that I am able to put my shoes on by myself *most* mornings. I no longer worry about letting someone down because I cannot be there for them all the time, because now I have to focus on not letting myself down and staying the course day after day. It's like waking up each morning to a new agenda, an agenda that you have to prepare for without any warning: Will my feet be numb, will my legs refuse to move, will I be able to feel my fingers, is my neck physically going to hold my head up tomorrow, is my body trying to tell me something? But as most of you know, I am SO random.. and God gave me a random disease.

I'd imagine when God was shifting through his "Disease Binder" on the day that my name was called, He was probably frustrated. I mean, He had to give me something pretty important, something that would be challenging for me, otherwise I would always be griping and complaining to Him, whining about how "SHE got to have Multiple Sclerosis and all I got to have was Lupus?" or "Why do I have to get something as boring as Cancer when HE gets to be so cool with his Multiple Sclerosis?" God was probably sitting at his huge table with all of his sparkly angel buddies while they debated which illness I would enjoy more. I'd imagine that just about the time all of the angels started getting catty, flapping their wings, causing MY precious Heaven Papers to scatter across the room, God loudly announced, "OK, I have decided to give her Multiple Sclerosis AND a Chronic Daily Migraine, because if she only has Multiple Sclerosis she will eventually become bored with figuring out her symptoms, so the Migraine will cause just the right amount of daily fog to make her have to actually use her brain each day." And that is how I like to think that I was specially selected to harbor this disease... and I'm ok with it. In this scenario, I STILL got to be the center of attention for a little while, right?

All kidding aside, I'll briefly update you on my last visit with my neurologist. I have a *knot* in my neck that is really painful and it causes confusion and awful cramps in my neck and sometimes I physically cannot hold my head up. I have a little neck brace for that, luckily. Well, if you feel my neck, you can feel the knot. So I diagnosed myself with a brain tumor, made a will for my precious chihuahua, JoJo, and selected a nice solid Oak casket for my funeral... which will be pulled by a Harley... haha Just kidding. I seriously was worried about it though, and I had no answers. Turns out, It's JUST that I am having a chronic daily migraine in my neck, and the pain is so intense that it is causing the muscles in my neck to form a hard ball, like a cyst. The ball of muscles is pressing on the nerves in my neck from the bottom side and the top side is making the bones in my neck between my c3- c4 Spine area poke out of my neck... thus creating the hard *knot*. And I absolutely do NOT respond to migaine medicine, so I cannot make the migraine cease. The bad news is that Doctor Leganke thinks the lesions on my brain could possibly have spread to my neck and/or spine. I have to go back for like my tenth MRI in a week or so. And for those who do not know, the lesions cause pain and they mess with things such as your concentration, speech, attention span, congnitive abilities, walking, etc. It just depends on where they are. So, basically I have almost had the migraine in my neck every single day for one whole year... I totally think that on my one year Migraine Birthday, June 3, 2011, I should so get a surprise migraine party.... Just Saying.

And for the next course of action... just wait and see. Your guess is as good as mine. Treatment can control the MS, but it doesn't target the migraines. The migraines an cause lesions on my brain too. And the damage so far is irreversible. MS treatment just slows down the progression of the disease.. if it works. Doc gave me steroids to boost me, but so far the only thing it has given me is the inability to have even an ounce of patience and the rage of an old alcoholic wife beater... Sometimes I'd like to take a lot of heavy bottles and hurl them through the big den window one at a time, just to relieve some of the pressure. Then I imagine myself sitting on the couch for the rest of he day, trying to come up with a good story about how a big *animal* flew into the window and shattered it and I refrain from throwing anything but the occasional two year old tantrum.  Steroids = Chelsea is CRAZY. And the absolute best part is, they have not worked at all this time. Usually they do. This time... I think I may just have to buy stock in ice packs.

On a lighter note, while I have been "finding myself," I have made quite a few revelations about the new me. Most importantly I have realized this: I am the absolute wierdest person I know. I am not even kidding with you. Here are a few quick facts about me:

- I am obsessed with trying to find out how serial killers tick.
- I am addicted to Mountain Dew.
- I HATE to clean out the kitchen drain.
- I honestly have no patience anymore... for much of anything.
- Sometimes I get the urge to say what is on my mind... the real truth.
- I am so much stronger than I ever thought I could be.
- I have friends in places that I never even appreciated or realized.
- I am a creature of habit: I bathe with the same motions in the same order, every single time. If you walk in and say something that distracts me, I have to start all over.
- I have to have everything in balance- If there is a candle on one side, there has to be a candle on the other side... or my anxiety will fly through the roof thinking about it.
- I just realized I just may like frilly rosy feminine clothes.. who knew?
- I unplug everything before I leave the house... EVERYTHING... unless my dog is not there.
- I have a mental schedule that I may forget to share with you- But we HAVE to follow it.
- I HATE to drive.
- I think I'm a loner.

And the list goes on.  And on. And on.

Here are a few pictures of things or people that make me smile. Underneath, I'll put a little explanation...

 Our Wedding Day... this picture always makes me wonder what he was whispering in my ear. I can't remember most anything after the ceremony because I was so sick. This picture is real emotion. I love it!

 And honestly I added this picture, because while I am not SO concerned about make up anymore, I still think her eyeshadow is absolutely stunning... Just in case you wanted to know.

 I have this picture, because I think anyone with the natural ability to be so beautiful with such minimal effort should be... tagged in my blog?  I think she is beautiful all the time, in every picture. Real natural beautiful features.

And of course, the *Duchess* Kate! Sometimes I think she is so beautiful that I could cry. She is not scared to be herself, and she sets her own standards. The way she carries herself should be a guide for anyone who wants to learn how to set an example without even trying. I love everything about her, even the fact that her boobs are so teeny tiny like mine... We will take the focus away from you *trying* to tell is we are in fact female, and divert that attention to the fabulous HUGE hat on our head. If Kate can wear gaudy hats and hair clips with feathers on national t.v., I should definitely have the guts to stroll up to Izzy's soccer game with my big white Accessory on my head. Unfortunately, I have not ever made it out of the car with the hat actually on my head, but hopefully by next year I'll almost be there.

This needs no explanation... haha.

In this picture I was looking for my wedding gown. This was the dress I went in to try on... this was NOT THE DRESS. Ladies... when you pretend not to notice the price tag and bypass it to run your fingers across through the perfectly white lace... You just know. And this dress was not in my dreams.

 Neither was this dress... NOT THE ONE. .... Keep looking.

This sweet little beautiful brown baby is my chihuahua JoJo. It's sad, because I truly depend on her to keep me company each day, and I don't give her enough love in return. She may just be a dog, but this little girl has been through everything from day one. I truly love her.

I like this picture, because right after I put those fish down, my grandfather, Bop, taught me how to filet a fish for the first time... A wonderful experience that I will treasure forever!

This picture is special to me, because it is proof that I had the courage to cut off inches and inches of hair at one single time... That may seem small, but I had to know if I liked short hair better, so I made up my mind and went for it. Turns out, I hated it. Well, I know now.

This was my sweetheart, Scott, before I ever knew he was my sweetheart. That gentle smile... sometimes I wish I could give that back to him more often. A lot has changed since this picture was taken, a lot that hurts and makes you cling to each other as you learn what pain really is. We have been through it and we will stay together as we travel this road... but I will always treasure the short time we had when life was Simple. Gentle. Easy.

My husband really is so confident in his *Manliness* that he sometimes sports my BIG sunglasses when he wants to ooze hotness... Such a goofball... a wonderful goofball.

For added manliness, here is a picture of my husband in my white and pink eye mask... And he really is asleep. And yes, he will kill me when he sees this. Our house is never normal... but it's perfect.

I LOVE this picture, because it was taken when I was 16... and I was so young and free and naive and happy. I was like a freakin walking ray of sunshine all the time in my own little world. I am so thankful for that time!

This is my beautiful Grandmother, Mimi. I LOVE this picture, because it shows her battling her own fight with chemotherapy and breast cancer. I believe this is one of them most beautiful pictures I have of her, because she is real. I'm thankful that we both have been through a crazy experience, because we have an  unspoken bond... Isn't she beautiful?

My one and only tattoo... I was 19, and I went all by myself and got a tattoo. I have no regrets and I am still proud of myself for doing what I wanted regardless of if anyone thought I went from "classy" to "trashy."  It means "ANGEL." I have no idea why I picked that at the time... It was random. Now I love it because I constantly have my own little reminder that God's angels are with me all the time...

Mr. Donnie Martin, one of my old bosses at Martin Funeral Home in Clanton, AL. He has Cerebral Palsy. The doctors said he would never walk. He rode a tricycle around town until he was 8, and his grandmother had to replace his tricycle tires 3 times! But when he was 8 years old, he learned to walk.. He went on to get married, he has a son, and he still beats the odds and works his tiny little butt off each day at the funeral home, even if it just by showing support. He has the personality of an angel, and I love him a lot. He's still walking and talking and he's about 70 years old.

My first scrapbook page... I had never even met Izzy when I made this. But I already loved her so much!

I just like this picture, because I'm being goofy... This was before my head started hurting... I was completely pain free in this picture... but I'm still just as goofy...

So here it is: THE DRESS.

This picture is Izzy and Evan when they were little. This picture makes me smile, because they are so young, so sweet, and so wonderful to have in my life. But it also makes me sad, because I wish I had known them then... I wish I hadn't missed seeing them grow. But I channel this to make sure I watch them grow now... They are angels.

My first baby boy: My brother Micah. I LOVE him more than he will ever realize. He has my heart and he doesn't even know it. I am so proud of him and I am so thankful that he loves God and that he is so smart... He will make a great difference one day, mark my words. He already makes one to me now.

Here I am at an exercise at work when I worked for the Alabama Department of Forensic Sciences Medical Examiner's Office... I am SO thankful that God allowed me to do my dream job, cutting autopsies, for two whole years! He gave me what I wanted!!

Here we are on our honeymoon. This picture is a complete lie; In reality, we were scared out of our minds. That's why I love it. We were on our way to catch the subway in LA and it was getting dark. We were so clueless... but we were so wrapped up in each other that we made it through that crazy journey... Another time, another story...

Universal Studios... No one to worry about but us. We FINALLY made it!

The proposal... look at his shiny little cheeks grinning... LOVE IT! He had my heart way before that night, but the ring sealed the deal!

Without this little lady, I would not be here. This is my great grandmother, Annie Lee. As I've watched her grow older, I have learned that sometimes silence is the key to surviving. This littl lady has known some heavy pain and heartache in her lifetime... She has a story within her, and an entirely different world lives in her heart... sometimes I envy her for that.

I hope you enjoyed that little memory trip! Well, I have to go clean the house. Now. Scott is on his way home with the kids, and it looks like a craft store threw up all throughout my house... More later.